Tick Tick. It is time to point the finger in your own direction. Very often, we know the side of the story of those who’ve been cheated on. But how about the other side of the story? Are we bold enough to wear the jacket as we stain it? Of course there are reasons why one cheats and we are not here to validate them or not. Maybe just once, could we spare the detective-like lovers who are always on the lookout for if their partner is cheating, and just look from within and ask ourselves; am I cheating? Hopefully, dear reader, by the time you’re done reading this piece, you’ll be able to put your right hand on your chest and admit your acts. And maybe attempt to right your wrongs, even before you’re caught red-handed. Do you find yourself saying:
"It didn’t mean anything...” did it not really? So why did you do it? The fact is that you’re admitting the act, but minimising it by reassuring your partner that there’s no emotional connection to this other person. Or you may be telling yourself that it didn’t mean anything to ease your consciousness, but the truth is you’re a cheater nonetheless.
"I did it (name the action) because you don’t make enough time for me,” "I was unhappy/not satisfied in the relationship...” This excuse is an attempt to deflect your responsibility. You’re actually trying to make the betrayed partner feel partly responsible for pushing you into it. The bitter truth is that you may even have done it anyway, even if they were the perfect partner possible. Although it may be true that you were not happy/satisfied in the relationship, cheating may not have been the best solution.
"Nothing is going on...it’s just your trust issues...” This is a manipulation attempt to gaslight the betrayed partner. By shifting the attention to their trust issues, insecurities, etc., you’re delving away from your acts.
"We never got physical...” This may be the most famous of all. It implies that there was no cheating as long as it never got physical. But Psychology Bustle notes that there could be many forms of cheating, including emotionally. Spending more time with someone that your partner doesn’t know about, lying about how you are spending your time, divulging your couple secrets, etc., can all be said to be forms of emotional infidelity. Emphasising that the relationship is not physical may not remove the fact that deception was involved.
"It was just sex...” Claiming that the affair was just physical, that doesn’t minimise the betrayal either. In the other partner’s view, it is not about the fact that the act didn’t mean anything emotionally. It is the fact that there was violation of boundaries, in case the relationship was exclusively committed.
"It will never happen again...” Do apologies alleviate the gravity of cheating? Maybe! Or it could also be a manipulation attempt to get your partner to dismiss the current act of cheating as a one-time event, rather than a pattern. You may be hoping that your partner will not think of the cheating as a character flaw, but just an unfortunate mistake. But ask yourself, are you really sure you won’t do it again? Why not?
Sometimes it is the little things. Do you panic when your partner picks up your phone or laptop and suddenly feels the urge to control what they can and can’t do on your phone? The list goes on and on. Research shows that once a person cheats, they are more likely to do it again. But of course, there is also a chance you are being honest, that it was a lone mistake that will not repeat again. Talk with your partner, come clean on what caused you to cheat instead of shifting blame or covering the blame. If they decide to forgive you, discuss how you can both rebuild trust in the relationship.
Cheating doesn’t always spell the end for all couples, but if you act selfishly when confronted with your mistake, by either minimising your actions or laying the blame on your partner, it may be time to rethink if this situation is still a healthy relationship for both of you.