When faced with challenges in relationships, many people find it easier to shift blame outward rather than confront their own flaws, according to experts. The mirror of self-reflection often proves daunting, experts say, but it holds the key to understanding the deeper dynamics of love, empathy, and growth. ALSO READ: What is self-love? Ornella Ikirezi, 27, a business woman, said that for many years she prioritized others, thinking it was the key to being a good friend, colleague, and daughter. However, this led to strained relationships and a loss of herself in the process. ALSO READ: The importance of self-love “I always gave so much of myself, but never felt good enough. I would agree to help, even when overwhelmed, out of guilt, but deep down, I resented it. I started avoiding calls, and the frustration built up,” she said. “No matter how much I gave, I never felt appreciated. I started to question if people around me really cared, and my brain convinced me that people were just taking me for granted. And my relationships started falling apart as I wanted a lot of approval from people of which I had not even communicated. One thing I never realized was that I also had a part I played in all this. After a couple burnouts because of going out of my way, I decided to go for therapy,” she said. At first, she did not think it would work for her. But she began understanding herself better. Setting boundaries was a game-changer for her as she learned to say no without feeling any guilt and rediscovered her passion as she focused on self-love and self-awareness. “By being more present and honest, I became a better listener and finally opened up. My family and friends now see a new side of me. I am not just there physically, but emotionally too. The more I allowed myself to grow, the deeper my connections became. Prioritizing yourself is not selfish but it is essential, to truly love and support others,” said Ikirezi. Her experience aligns with research on self-love – having an appreciation, affinity, and positive regard for yourself – which shows that individuals with higher levels of self-esteem report stronger interpersonal relationships and lower rates of anxiety. A study published by ResearchGate, a European site of researchers, reveals that nurturing self-love not only builds personal confidence but also lays the foundation for healthy connections with others. Damien Mouzoun, a family counsellor and chief executive of Ayina Think Tank, a research-based counselling center in Kigali, said that self-love is both a cornerstone and a paradox in personal relationships. It has the power to build connections, foster empathy, and inspire heroism, but it also carries the risk of veering into destructive territory, he said. ‘Self-love is about fostering self-esteem and self-awareness’ By understanding and embracing this complexity, we can create a more compassionate and balanced society where self-love enriches rather than detracts from our shared humanity, he said. The fine line between selflessness and selfishness, self-love emerges as both a guiding force and a complex trait that influences how we navigate personal relationships. Often misconstrued as narcissism, self-love is, in reality, a nuanced element of human behavior that governs not just how we relate to ourselves but also how we connect with others, experts say. ALSO READ: Self-love – not bans – will bring an end to Africa’s bleaching syndrome Mouzoun told The New Times that the idea of self-love intersects with both the balance between helping others and focusing on oneself which shapes the choices we make as individuals, revealing the dual nature of human actions. “At its core, self-love is about fostering self-esteem and self-awareness. It enables individuals to contribute positively to others and defend their own well-being. Without it, relationships and broader societal interactions often crumble under the weight of neglect and low self-worth,” said Mouzoun. However, like any concept, self-love has its extremes, which can transform it into a destructive force, he said. Mouzoun said that people’s actions often switch between helping others and thinking about themselves. “Take, for example, a person who sacrifices greatly for the benefit of others. At face value, their actions may seem entirely selfless, but upon deeper analysis, these sacrifices might be motivated by a desire for recognition or self-glory and then this ends up benefiting both the individual and the team. Heroism, frequently lauded as the ultimate form of altruism, often carries seeds of egoism,” he said. “In personal relationships, self-love serves as a foundation for healthy connections. It is often said, that if you don't love yourself, how can you love others? This underscores the importance of self-esteem in fostering empathy, understanding, and mutual respect.” Individuals with a strong sense of self-worth are better equipped to support others, create meaningful bonds, and contribute positively to society, he said. Mouzoun also said that when self-love tilts towards narcissism or excessive egoism, it can lead to self-destruction. “For instance, individuals who prioritize their own needs at the expense of others may inadvertently harm the relationships they cherish most. This delicate balance between self-love and selflessness highlights the importance of emotional intelligence and social awareness,” he said. “To make self-love a positive force, society needs to focus on caring for everyone while respecting individual self-worth. Studying human behavior and social interactions can help us move beyond seeing things as simply good or bad. Instead, it can show the complex balance between kindness and selfishness that influences what we do.” Jane Gatete Abatoni, the Executive Secretary of ARCT-Ruhuka, an association of trauma counsellors, emphasized the importance of self-love and self-awareness. She highlighted that people who lack self-love often struggle with low self-esteem, making it hard for them to value themselves or set healthy boundaries. “In Rwanda, societal expectations often place a strong emphasis on community and family, which can sometimes lead individuals to neglect their own needs. Finding a balance between cultural values and personal self-care is crucial,” said Abatoni. “This can lead to unhealthy relationships, as they may rely too much on others for validation or accept poor treatment. They might also avoid taking care of their own needs, leading to stress, burnout, or feelings of unworthiness.” She said that there is no way these kinds of people will maintain other relationships since it becomes challenging to build confidence, pursue goals, or experience true happiness. Parents play a critical in fostering self-love in children, she said. “When children grow up in environments where their feelings are validated, they develop the self-esteem needed to build positive relationships as adults. Parents should always contribute to this internal growth of their children.”