Relationships are built on many things and depending on what two people want, they can choose to make their relationship healthy or simply functional. But there are certain things that happen in relationships that the two people use to keep it going -call it a strategy or approach but most of these actions are aimed at ensuring that you stick together through thick and thin or at least manipulate the other party into doing as you wish. One of those things is guilt tripping. Guilt tripping, which can be rudely defined as manipulation refers to a situation where a spouse, romantic partner, parent, or close friend makes you feel guilty about something to achieve a certain goal. It is almost like a game in a relationship and it starts as early as when people have just met, especially during courtship, mainly because through guilt tripping, people hope to change the behaviour or conduct of others. Guilt tripping involves actions, statements or gestures that can be used against your partner. A good example, if you catch your partner talking to someone behind your back, you bring it up, discuss it and close the chapter. However, later at any given opportunity, whether it is during an argument or a different scenario, your partner brings back the same issue either to humble you or remind you, in turn making you guilty. Another example, when your partner has to work late instead of coming home and hanging out with you, you might guilt trip them by saying that you always make a point to come home on time for dinner, but they never do. Similarly, it happens when your partner forgets to do a certain task, you may make them guilty by listing all the things they forgot to do in the past as a way of giving them a wake-up call to do better. Leila Natacha Umuhoza, a relationship counsellor, says guilt tripping is very much part of a relationship, as opposed to being in a toxic or non-functional relationship. “Naturally, people are very difficult to manage. Sometimes they need a reminder to stay grounded, they need to be checked so that they don’t get too comfortable. It is a healthy practice,” However, she warns that if it becomes too much, especially if the other party doesn’t take it all in well, it is likely to be a deal breaker. Someone might start feeling harassed or completely guilty and they decide to call time on a relationship. Guilt tripping is healthy when done in moderation. There are certain forms of guilt tripping that can make a person feel ashamed, incompetent and unworthy. If you are pushing it to that level, careful, you might just mess up things. When done in extreme form, guilt-tripping can make someone depressed, feel lonely, isolated or dejected. The impact of such can be irreversible. Umuhoza says that some of the couples she counselled in her local church had taken guilt-tripping to a level where trust between them was completely damaged, yet in actual sense they didn’t have any serious grievances. How it happens There are many types of guilt tripping in a relationship, which if capitalised on, are capable of making a person feel ashamed and unworthy so they will give in to what the other person wants. The most popular form is moral guilt where a partner capitalizes on an action or weakness you exhibited to make you feel guilty. If for example your partner caught you flirting, they are likely to use it against you to make you feel unfaithful, even when there was nothing. It is also the same when one of the parties is struggling with a habit such as gambling and alcoholism. Rather than helping your partner to deal with the problem, you keep bringing it up and accusing them of the same. In doing so, you morally push them to the fringes. This can in fact escalate the situation rather than mitigating it, according to experts. Sympathy seeking is the other common form for guilt-tripping, when one partner acts like they have been harmed by the other, exaggerating a small issue to make it look big so that the other party can admit wrongdoing and apologize. Once they apologize, you have them in a corner when you can get them to do whatever you want. Sympathy seeking goes hand-in-hand with manipulation. Once you have the person in the corner, you manipulate them into believing something and doing certain things for you. Emily Sanders, a relationships expert and author says that while guilt-tripping can be a healthy practice, in extreme cases it can be used as a manipulative tool to keep someone in an abusive environment. “Guilt tripping is an effective tool to disorient, confuse, and distort truth,” she says, pointing out that if someone threatens to kill/harm themselves if you break up with them that this is mental and emotional abuse. “You are instantly put into an emotional bind where there is no win. Please see this as a very red flag,” she says. Watch out for these signs. If you think you might be a victim of guilt tripping, or perhaps you’re worried you’ve become a guilt tripper yourself, work it out quickly before it breaks you up with your loved one.
