"You’re not the hottest, but I love you”, "you’re not the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, but you’re smart”. I read these two comments somewhere under a girl’s picture (insert major eye roll). You would be surprised, at least I was, to find out that those were comments from the girl’s boyfriend—basically, compliments she should be happy about!
I know we have already talked about backhanded compliments that are low-key insults. But this time let’s take a look at compliments that definitely mean to humble, in a negative way, the recipient rather than make them feel good.
According to Psychology Today, there are compliments that imply something is not really a compliment at all. In the above example, the compliments implied that she wouldn’t be the first choice if he were asked, but that she still had some good traits about her. The first comment could even imply that he loves her despite everything bad about her. Which would mean that she should be grateful for his ‘sacrifice’, for not going with any other but her.
Of course sometimes it could just be wrong wording, but whether the insult was intended or not, condescending compliments are patronising. They mean to make the other person feel less and not better.
Psychology Today notes that these tactics seek to extract gratitude or submission. In the above example, the girl may be led to believe that the guy is the only option she could ever have. I mean, who else would have settled for her, except him of course? These are perceived as gas-lighters or narcissistic compliments.
According to Harvard Business School’s Alison Wood Brooks and co-authors, those who give condescending compliments think they’re getting a leg up on a perceived rival while burnishing their own reputation without even realising it. Condescending or reductant compliments often damage the receiver’s confidence and self-esteem.
When it comes to romantic relationships, it becomes hard for the receiver to read through the lines and identify the harming fact. They often brush it off, ignoring the unconscious note of the insult, which still inflicts a potent dose of psychic harm, resulting in reduced self-esteem, confidence and sense of worth.
This then gives an illusion to the giver, of having humbled down the receiver. However, it may create resentment and less attraction from the receiver.
Psychology Today also highlights that most of the time, unknowingly, condescending compliments are a projection of the giver’s own insecurities and sense of worth. They (giver) may also not believe that they deserve the best and so they are like, "you ain’t the best, so we’re a perfect match.” Or they personally can’t believe why you possibly chose them, so they cut your confidence short saying, "hey, you ain’t the best but don’t worry I got you.”
Compliments that sound like they are meant to ‘put you in your place’ are referred to as ‘complisults’, meaning that on the surface is a compliment but either intentionally or unintentionally may also be taken as an insult.
One would then wonder how to cope with a gas-lighter/narcissist who throws out complisults, especially when you’re in a relationship with them? Firstly, one needs to be cautious about trusting someone who can’t give straight compliments, at the cost of their own self-confidence and esteem. Also, you may want to communicate how such comments make you feel.