The atmosphere is carefully planned. It begins with a restaurant in Kigali booked exclusively for a special evening. Hours before the big moment, the man's sisters and friends arrive carrying balloons, flowers and decorations. By 6 p.m., everything is in place. A trail of red roses leads to a heart-shaped display where the proposal will unfold. Soft love songs fill the room as everyone takes their positions. Only a handful of people know what is about to happen. A friend persuades the young woman, tired after a day's work, to stop by for what she believes is a casual drink. As she walks in, she freezes in surprise. The young man, dressed in his best, walks towards her, takes a ring from his pocket, drops to one knee and asks the question. For a few moments, the room falls silent. The young woman wipes away tears before saying yes. Applause erupts, phones are raised to capture the moment, and the newly engaged couple share their first dance as family and friends celebrate. ALSO READ: Marriage proposals: Simplicity vs over-the-top? Scenes like these have become increasingly common, particularly in Kigali. What was once an uncommon way to ask for a partner's hand in marriage is now a familiar part of engagements, fuelled by global trends, celebrity culture and social media. Some proposals are intimate, while others involve event planners, photographers, musicians and elaborate decorations. Yet as the trend grows, one question continues to divide opinion: Should a man kneel while proposing? The debate resurfaced after Pastor Paul Gitwaza, founder of Zion Temple Celebration Centre, criticised the practice during a church service on July 22, saying Christians should kneel only before God, not another person. His remarks sparked widespread discussion on social media and radio talk shows, reigniting a long-running conversation about culture, faith and modern relationships. A modern tradition Modern-style marriage proposals are a relatively recent phenomenon in Rwanda. Traditionally, marriage followed a structured family process involving formal introductions and negotiations between families. Public proposals featuring engagement rings, elaborate decorations and photographers have become increasingly popular over the past decade. Social media has accelerated the trend, turning what was once a private milestone into a public celebration shared online. ALSO READ: Love and tradition: Rethinking marriage in modern Rwanda For some couples, kneeling is simply another expression of love. For others, it raises questions about whether Rwanda is gradually replacing its own traditions with imported practices. Culture evolves, but should it imitate? According to Rutangarwamaboko, a cultural enthusiast and mental health expert, kneeling during marriage proposals is not rooted in traditional Rwandan culture. He argues that the practice has largely been adopted through Western influence, particularly celebrity culture and social media. Traditionally, he says, a Rwandan man demonstrated love and respect through responsibility, protection and providing for his family rather than symbolic gestures of submission. Rutangarwamaboko believes many young people embrace trends without understanding their origins or cultural meaning. He also argues that weddings have increasingly become performances designed for social media rather than meaningful cultural ceremonies. Roles once played by respected family elders, such as abasaza and those responsible for kuvugira inka, are now often taken over by hired masters of ceremony with little connection to the families involved. ALSO READ: A look back at traditional Rwandan marriage and evolution of dowry giving While acknowledging that culture naturally evolves, he believes change should not come at the expense of cultural identity. Ideas influence behaviour, behaviour creates habits, and habits eventually shape culture, he says. Looking beyond the gesture Marriage counsellor Damien Mouzoun believes the debate should focus less on whether a man kneels and more on preparing couples for marriage. Kneeling during marriage proposals is not a traditional Rwandan practice. Many people adopt practices from Western celebrity culture without understanding where they come from or whether they fit their own context, he says. He notes that kneeling carries different meanings across societies. In some African communities, including parts of Uganda, it is a recognised sign of respect, while elsewhere it carries different cultural significance. Rather than rejecting the practice outright, Mouzou believes young people should understand its meaning before deciding whether to adopt it. ALSO READ: Under-21 marriages surge 16-fold in 2025 Youth should be allowed to make their own choices, but they also need guidance to appreciate cultural values, he says. He stresses that successful marriages are built on preparation, counselling, commitment and shared values rather than elaborate proposals. There is no single formula for marriage. What matters is that couples understand their choices and build relationships based on respect and commitment. A personal choice Not everyone believes kneeling should be controversial. A feminist, who requested anonymity because of the sensitivity surrounding the discussion, says kneeling is simply one of many ways of expressing love and respect for a future spouse. She rejects the idea that it reflects weakness or a loss of authority, arguing that the strength of a marriage depends on mutual respect, communication and commitment rather than the posture someone adopts during a proposal. ALSO READ: What are the most contentious issues in divorce cases in Rwanda? At the same time, she cautions against embracing every trend simply because it is fashionable or associated with Western culture. Couples, she says, should choose practices that strengthen their relationships while remaining mindful of their own values. Twenty-four-year-old university student Olvis Mugisha agrees. Every woman wants to feel special on that day. For me, kneeling is a sign of respect for the person I love. It doesn't take away anything. When my time comes, I think I will do it to make her proud, he says. More than a proposal The discussion has extended well beyond churches, dominating conversations on radio programmes, podcasts and social media. ALSO READ: Marriage readiness should begin before the wedding Some agree with Gitwaza, arguing that kneeling conflicts with biblical teaching and traditional expectations of masculinity. Others see it as a voluntary expression of love with little bearing on the success of a marriage. On social media, opinions remain sharply divided. Writing on X, Amanda Sangano said she agreed 100 percent with Gitwaza's position. Another user, Rita Kagabo, argued that the conversation would be more meaningful if it focused on teaching men to respect and genuinely love women rather than debating whether they should kneel. Meanwhile, Georges M. Hermann (@georgesmhermann) questioned the message, saying he found the comments concerning and expressing fears that they could reinforce patriarchal attitudes. The debate may be about kneeling, but it reflects broader questions about how traditions evolve in an increasingly connected world. How much should societies borrow from other cultures? Which traditions deserve preservation? And where should individuals be free to make personal choices? Courtship in Rwanda has changed dramatically. Couples now meet through universities, workplaces and social media, while destination pre-wedding shoots, bridal showers, engagement parties and professionally organised proposals have become part of many journeys to marriage. ALSO READ: Why marriage preparation is the foundation of good parenting These changes are unlikely to disappear. As younger generations embrace new ways of expressing love, debates over what is culturally appropriate will probably continue. Whether a man chooses to kneel, stand or simply ask the question without fanfare, a cross section of people agree that the success of a marriage depends far less on the proposal itself than on what follows. Mutual respect, shared values, understanding and a willingness to grow together remain the qualities that ultimately determine whether a marriage stands the test of time.
