Most working parents and guardians try to find time over the weekend to spend with their families, whether it is eating out, going to church or visiting other families. For some, weekends are fully reserved for family, except when there is a wedding or a social ceremony to attend. However, those who can, find time to share a meal with the family in a bid to bond after a long week. Nice try, right? Jacque Nkuranga, a father of two, who works with a leading corporate organisation in Rwanda, used to make time, mostly on Sundays, to spend some quality time with his son and daughter. The first born is nine and the second seven, go to school during the week. Every morning he drops them at school and in the evening their mother picks them up, since he is mostly still busy at work. On Saturday, sometimes a work programme comes up or meeting, sometimes a wedding but when he has time, even Saturday, he makes time to play and take them out. Sundays are for church, swimming and eating out. “Until now, I thought I was doing great but as time went on, I realised we are not talking much. In the morning as I drop them and continue to work, sometimes we don’t talk, depending on the mood I am in. If I am worried about something at work or late, I won’t talk to them and they won’t talk to me and it becomes routine,” shares Nkuranga. Turning point One day while scrolling through social media, he landed on a video that really transformed his life. It was a video of Terry Gogna, an author, life coach, entrepreneur and international speaker, talking about parenting and bonding with children. In the video, Gogna, who was born and raised in England but lives in Canada, talks about parenting his two sons Anil and Aaron. He points out that when his sons were younger, he used to think he was actually building relationships with them by having family day. “Every Sunday we would be going out and we'd have the whole family together and I would be convincing myself that I am building great relationships, I am building a great family because we have family day,” After a few years, Gogna started to realise that he was doing something wrong, having that one family day once a week but it wasn’t making a difference. He wasn’t building an individual relationship with his children. “I realised that family day does not build relationships the way we think. What I needed to do was having a one-on-one time with each person, in order to build a relationship,” “I told my first son, fine, we are going to get together. We are going to chat for an hour. Give me the time that's good for you and then he'd give me the time,” Gogna says, adding that he would sit down for that one hour, just him and the son. “It was like a coaching session,” he says, adding that along the way, he realised something else. “If I am always the one just talking and I’m lecturing, teaching him everything I want him to know, everything that I've learned in my whole life, that's not going to work. That's not going to build a relationship,” he adds. Gogna says that he realised that he needed to join his world, keep his mouth shut and ask him questions on different topics, what he thinks about certain things, how he feels and other questions that would make him open up. Whenever he would begin to talk, Gogna would keep quiet and give him an ear to listen to what he was talking about. Most parents, especially in Africa, do not take time to listen to their children. Gogna says he wanted to give him time to talk and open up. It is a tricky test that most African parents and guardians fail. Listening. The author and entrepreneur says that this is something all parents and guardians must do because most children will simply hold back if adults don’t give them an opportunity to listen to them. “This is what builds the relationship, by him being able to open up and share what's in his heart,” “I've met so many parents who have said, you know what my son or my daughter is going through a real tough time and I didn't know this because they never asked him any questions,” says Gogna. Breaking the silence For most children, if they are not triggered, they won’t bother opening up and they also know when they don’t have the attention from you- and they won’t talk about it also, so the silence carries on. Gogna says that parents and guardians need to realise that listening is so important and it helps heal when people open up and they are listened to, including children. When you ask children questions, they easily open up after a short time and when you continue doing that, you build a much stronger relationship than just sitting out in a restaurant to enjoy a meal. It is a deliberate choice parents and guardians have to make and break the silence or risk alienating their children. It gets worse as they grow and when they become teenagers, they cut you off completely as they don’t trust you with their secrets.
