Dear Counsellor, I have been married for six years and we have two children. My wife seems to believe that I am some sort of a ‘Mr Fix It’ around the house. I must do everything myself. I must check out a leak, take out garbage, if there is an insect she is afraid of, I must kill it. She wants me to take the children to school and to use my lunchtime break to pick them up. She does not like the idea of a driver because she ‘does not trust a driver’. They can’t take the bus either, and she thinks it is a man’s job to pick the children up from school. My wife also thinks that I should take care of all the expenses of the house. Sure, I can afford to do so, but I think she should chip in as well. She thinks her money is just for herself. I can’t stand her. I’m with her because of the children but I am waiting for an opportunity to get out of this terrible marriage. Am I being unreasonable? Simon ----- Dear Simon, A happy marriage is not easy to achieve. The good news is that one committed partner can make a huge difference in a relationship, once you choose to take the steps to rekindle the passion. If your wife is lazy and stingy, your marriage is not doing well; however, this doesn’t mean it is the end. There are many ways to help her change her actions. Marriage is far too valuable to be taken for granted, because it is supposed to be an oasis of happiness. It shouldn’t be compromised. There is need for a serious conversation with your wife to collectively find ways to save this marriage. As her husband, look at her weaknesses and transform them into something positive. A great marriage can only be achieved if all responsibilities are shared between husband and wife, and this can be achieved through a domestic management system to control work schedules at home. Encourage her and offer your support. Weirdly, lazy people tend to have really creative ideas so explore your wife’s potential and be her role model, so that she sees the importance of sharing domestic responsibilities under your guidance. Try to make time for personal interests, family plans, travel, and recreation. Your wife’s submission must be a voluntary action and if she doesn’t see the need to share family responsibilities with you as a loving and responsible spouse, then there is a problem. Is this a sudden change of behaviour? Talk to her to understand the reason behind her actions. You also need to examine your own drive. Do you really want to inspire positive change in your wife? Do you love her and do you see a future with her? How committed is your wife to the marriage? Both of you need to be a source of positive support and influence to be the best you can possibly be. Don’t let her laziness make you think any less of her. Influence her to address the matter instead. Remember, it takes one person to do the right thing. Keep your promise to love her unconditionally. Alternatively, consider seeking professional counselling if your spouse is unwilling to acknowledge her behaviour. A professional counsellor will help her realise her mistakes and eventually, she’ll change. If you see no change in her, set boundaries and be clear on what kind of behaviour you’ll tolerate and what you won’t. If your marriage is established on the foundation of love, then love conquers all. Your feedback Give her one last chance It takes more than love to keep a marriage going; unfortunately, your wife doesn’t realise this. The best thing is to work out things with her, if she doesn’t seem to change, I suggest you ask for a divorce instead of staying in a marriage that doesn’t give you a peace of mind. Patricia Uwineza, Kigali resident ----- Ask her friends for help Talk to her close friends and ask them to tell her that what she is doing is not right. I think this will make her change because she will realise you are not happy with the situation. Peter Kwizera, Parent ----- Take care of the home She should help you with the kids at the very least. However, as a man, do not focus too much on her helping you financially; if you are not stressed, and she doesn’t ask you for more money, then it is okay. Simon Sibomana, Lecturer ----- She should behave like an adult I think she should be able to take care of herself, like an adult. The issue, however, is that she does not want to contribute financially, so sit down with her and agree on what each one of you should contribute. Angie Uwamahoro, Designer ----- Relatives can intervene Open up and share your concerns with a relative so that they help where necessary. Getting out of the marriage should be the last option now that children are involved. Phyllis Kabanda, Mother
