Parenting: When it's risky to share a bed with your baby

Norine Mugisha and her husband still share a bed with their 4-year-old baby, and a few weeks ago they welcomed their second born in the family. “When we tried to put her in a separate room, she would wake up in the middle of the night screaming,” Mugisha says. Many a parent love sharing the bed with their little ones from day old babies to as old as 5 years. Parenting experts say, it is natural for a mother to want to sleep with her baby for as long as possible. It is a great way to create a strong bond; however, bed-sharing with children has its challenges. Experts argue that parents should share a bed with a child up to a certain age and also warn that sharing a bed has its risks. Robinah Ziwa, a marriage counselor, says that sharing a bed with a child, could take a toll on the intimacy of the couple. “Sharing a bed with your grown up kids isn’t bad at all only that you may fail to find time for yourselves as a couple yet the bedroom is always so essential when it comes to marital affairs. “I understand women are so tolerant when it comes to their children’s needs and it’s not bad at all, in fact, it’s in their nature. However, such shouldn’t be allowed to go on for a long time, at least by the age of two a child should be able to sleep on their own,” Ziwa explains. Dr Rachna Pande, a specialist in internal medicine at Ruhengeri Hospital, echoes a similar view but adds that it also comes with the risk of putting the child’s life in danger, which in worst case scenarios can lead to infant death syndrome. “Sharing a bed with a new born also avails the possibility of sudden infant death syndrome which can occur if the baby is accidentally smothered by the mother’s body during sleep. To prevent this, in traditional societies, it is considered inauspicious to sleep with one’s back towards the baby,” she points out. Studies show that babies who are placed in cots sleep less well than those who doze on their mother’s chests. However, Pande explains that traditionally, in many societies, children may share their parents’ bed till the age of ten, or even longer. Pande notes that the advantage is that a child feels more secure and loved because with it, a mother can cuddle with her child, if it’s a baby, she can change her diapers and feed her and much more, easily throughout the night. Dr Pande advises women who want to break the cycle of bed-sharing not to worry so much about it and try it out. She says that how a child will react will vary because children also have different temperaments. Some may not be bothered at all while some may wail and demand attention of their parents many times. “A well fed and healthy baby may remain cheerful even if left alone, whereas a hungry or sick baby may be cranky and demanding. It is better to shift the baby from the bedroom after stopping breast feeding. Till then, the child can be put in a crib, close to the mother’s bed. “Initially for some days, the baby can sleep in the mother’s bed and shift him or her in another room when fast asleep. Later on, when the baby is well adjusted, they can be directly put to sleep in own bed. In any case, the room should be located close to the parents’ bedroom and the baby should be able to call out if any problem arises,” Dr Pande advises. People’s views Lisa Atukunda, a mother of three, agrees with Ziwa, pointing out that some parents are just overly concerned. “Not letting your child cuddle with you in bed might make one feel like a bad mother yet on the other hand, being a great wife is also a necessity. Women are sometimes torn between that,” Atukunda says. It is suggested that at two, a mother can try the co-sleeping transition. Vestine Uwamahoro is of the view that children should stop sharing their parents’ bed at least by the age of two, arguing that kids are adaptable creatures and that what you teach them is what they get used to. “Parents should teach their kids to sleep alone, at least by the age of two, this way; they won’t give them a hard time. At this age, the child can talk about what they have seen or heard and this can be embarrassing for the parents,” she says. When the kids are young it is convenient for the parents to let them into their bedroom. However, time eventually has to come when every child needs their own bed, and this goes for the parents too, as this is what is best for both parties. What does research say? Babies should sleep in their mother’s bed until they are at least three years old. The advice comes from a pediatrician who found that two-day-old babies who were placed in cots slept less well than those who dozed on their mother’s chest. Their hearts were also under more stress, it was claimed. Sleeping alone makes it harder for mother and child to bond - and damages the development of the brain, leading to bad behaviour as the child grows up, researchers fear. Dr Nils Bergman, of the University of Cape Town, South Africa, says that for optimal development, healthy newborns should sleep on their mother’s chest for the first few weeks. After that, they should stay in the mother’s bed until they are three or even four years old to use a separate bedroom. editorial@newtimes.co.rw ******************************************** 4 tips to help your co-sleeping baby transition to his own bed Talk about it: Begin with a conversation (if your child is old enough) about how bedtime will be changing soon, and remind your child often. The more you mention the change, the more your child will have time to process, think, and become aware that bedtime is going to change soon. Consider starting these conversations and reminders at least three to five days before you plan to begin the transition.Introduce a transitional object: Once you’ve made the decision to transition from a family bed into separate bed(room)s, you may want to introduce a lovey if you haven’t already: a blanket, or stuffed animal (be sure that there are no choking hazards like loose parts or button eyes) that can be introduced into the bedtime routine. Be sure that you make the lovey part of your day and give it some personality. The goal of a lovey (or transitional object) is to help soothe your baby and give him security when you aren’t there.It may also be helpful to ‘wear’ the lovey so that it has your smell, which is calming for your baby. This will allow your baby to have a part of ‘you’ without you actually being there.Choose an appropriate bed: There really is no right or wrong way to transition your child from your family bed, and into his own bed, although most families do find that starting small helps. To help ease your baby into their new sleeping accommodations, let your child pick out special sheets, and/or a blanket. Decide if you want to start with a twin mattress on the floor, or a crib if your child is under three years, and allow them to help you make their new ‘big kid’ bed.When it comes time to put him into his bed for the first time, go through your normal bedtime routine, with the exception of the family bed. Put him in his ‘big bed’. It usually helps to co-sleep in their room with your baby for a few days before putting him into his new bed. Remember that children are adaptable. This process will be harder for some babies than others. Regardless of your reasons to end co-sleeping, remember that your baby may not completely understand why she doesn’t have mom or dad right there when she wakes.Your baby is smarter and more adaptable than you think, and she’ll adjust to the new routine out soon. It’s a big step for all of you! Remember, a week or two really is fleeting, and it will help your whole family adjust to the new sleeping arrangements for the long term. Agencies ******************************************** When should a baby leave the mother’s bed? Claudine Uwimana Claudine Uwimana It is difficult for a mother to let her child sleep in a room alone, mainly because a mother wants to monitor the baby throughout the night. Also, a baby might find it hard to sleep without the mother’s presence. I believe it’s important for a child to learn to sleep on his/her own, this not only instils a sense of independence in the child, but it also nurtures the spirit of responsibility. At least by two, a child should be sleeping in his/her own room and bed. Devota Uwimana Devota Uwimana Regardless of the challenge posed to both the mother and the baby, it remains important that the child takes a step towards independence by sleeping on his/her own. I believe it’s good to start early, precisely at the age of two or even a few months before that, so that at the age of three, the child can manage to sleep in his/her own room. It is good because it enables the child to be strong mentally and emotionally, and most importantly, it pushes the child a step towards self-reliance. Elizabeth Uwayezu, Store Manager Elizabeth Uwayezu Though we all wish our children to embrace sleeping on their own at an early age, whether on a bed or in their own room, the fact remains that at a tender age, a child faces, or might face, different issues which all require the mother’s presence. For instance, babies sometimes get a high temperature in the night due to various reasons, and this requires immediate attention from the mother, among other issues. Children who are not yet able to talk shouldn’t sleep alone, or leave the mother’s room. Teddy Muhawenimana Teddy Muhawenimana It is very important to train a child to sleep on his/her own, this is basically because children need a routine and even more sleep than adults require. Besides, when a child has his/her own room or bed it helps them have a particular bed time, and an effective responsibility of taking care of their room. A child of two to three years should be sleeping in their own beds. Compiled by Dennis Agaba

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Parenting: When it's risky to share a bed with your baby