“It’s not you, it’s me.” “I hope we can still be friends.” “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now.” Do these lines sound familiar? When it comes to breakups, you’ll be shocked how many people can relate to your own ordeal. Very many women can relate to the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ part. “What does that even mean? Am I supposed to feel better about the breakup because he says he is the one with the issue? Explain the issue already! It’s a really annoying line,” says Umutoni (not real name), a journalist. Umutoni adds that when it comes to breakups, people should be as honest as it gets because, ‘the one you are dumping deserves that much – an honest reason.’ Last year, local rapper Emery Gatsinzi, commonly known as Riderman, broke up with his girlfriend of eight years, Assinah Mukasine. And to the shock of many, he married former Miss Mount Kenya University, Nadia Agasaro, in a span of just a few months. Mukasine claimed that she only found out about the end of their relationship in the media. Asked about her thoughts on the Riderman/Assinah saga, Umutoni says, “That is the stuff that really angers me. Honestly, you date someone that long then dump them and immediately go for someone else and you don’t even have the courtesy to tell them face to face? What was he thinking?” Whether it’s an amicable or horrible breakup, it’s usually hard to accept that a relationship that you once invested in your all is over. Some studies indicate that when someone is going through a breakup, the same regions of the brain are activated as when an addict is going through withdrawal. “So basically, the relationship was like a drug?” Umutoni asks. “It’s sad what we go through sometimes.” Whether you are the one breaking up with someone or you are on the receiving end of the finality of a romantic relationship, there are things that are definitely right and can aid healing on both sides. But there are also those that only work towards aggravating the pain. The Don’ts: Alcohol is a no Whether you are the one ending the relationship or the one on the receiving end, make sure there is no trace of alcohol because things could easily get ugly. Brian Niwenshuti says that one of biggest mistakes he has ever made was to drink as he prepared to end his 18-month relationship. “I must have been nervous because I didn’t have a solid reason to give as to why it was over, so as I waited for her to finish work, I decided to take one drink, and then another and before I knew it, she was knocking at the door and I was drunk but I insisted on going ahead with my plan. I broke up with her. To cut the long story short, I said very many unnecessary and hurtful things,” he says. Whether it’s a call, text message or email, always remember that you most probably didn’t meet your partner through any of these so it is an absolute no for you to use them when breaking up with them. Texts are disrespectful Let’s assume that you didn’t go into a relationship via text, so why would you end it that way? Is that a coward’s way out? For Vestine Mugisha, the sound of an incoming message is yet to stop bringing back the bad memories of her last relationship that ended two years ago. “My boyfriend had gotten me used to his calls every morning, asking me how my night was but on this particular day, there was no call. Instead, he sent me a message and I was surprised when the message was one line telling me that he felt that we needed to stop dating because in his words, it was going nowhere. To this day, I wonder what hurt more, the end of the relationship or the way he ended it,” she says. Mugisha says that after three years of dating, she deserved to hear about the end verbally and face to face and has failed to move on or forgive him. Try not to lose it This is not only about the breaking up. How you behave after the break up shows your level of maturity. One of the worst things that you can do is to speak ill of your ex. No matter how much pain you are going through, when your ex comes up in conversation when you’re not yet over them; keep it short to avoid coming off as the disgruntled ex partner. “A friend’s ex-boyfriend decided to go on Facebook and share their personal messages because she broke up with him. He claimed she used him and so he shared the screenshots for people to see what a manipulator she apparently is. She is yet to get over that humiliation,” says Umutoni. You will regret drunk dialing If there is anything that has ever made someone regret a decision, it is drunk dialing. It also comes down to alcohol. Alcohol will make you pick the phone up – bad idea! No one wants to hear your pleas and sobs over the phone at 3am and rest assured you will feel even more pathetic in the morning. If you can avoid it all together, try to keep a reasonable distance between you and alcohol altogether. The Dos: Be honest Honesty, like it’s said, is the best policy and Belinda Nyamurwana, who chose to go silent instead of being honest about what was not working, agrees. “I think it’s best to be honest with the person you have been dating. I just stopped picking his calls, blocked him on all social media networks and for five years, he came close to being a stalker because all he perhaps wanted was some answers. I actually regret how I handled it,” she says. Communicate Nyamurwana is not alone. Manuella Mutesi agrees but says that avoiding confrontation sometimes takes some people down this path. “We were in love and had no issues at all but I just couldn’t stay with him because of his high libido and possessiveness. I bought a ticket and literally fled to Dubai for 10 days and from then, I never communicated with him again. Looking back, I realise that I should have been upfront with him because he was such a loving man,” she says. End it on good terms I don’t get why it has to be a fight,” says Umutoni. “Just sit down and talk like adults and agree that it is the best way forward. Unless you are dealing with a psycho who thinks breaking up is not an option.” So, is it wise to remain friends after the breakup? “That is a huge mistake. Do not call or text because you want to see if they are okay. They are adults, they’ll be fine. You are only holding yourself back,” Umutoni adds. People fall in and out of love. Be respectful throughout the process. Don’t tell him or her it’s over by introducing them to someone you are leaving them for. If you value them or the time you spent with them, be an adult and do it the right away. Accepting that your relationship is over will be the beginning of your healing process. If there was any time you are allowed to be weak and pathetic, this is it and thanks to close friends and family, you will feel better in no time. Since they love you and wont judge you, tell them everything you’ve been holding in and let out all your feelings. It’s therapeutic and will relieve you of some of the stress. Not all is lost. You can turn your loss into a learning experience. Even if you have no say in what happened in the past, you can always learn from your mistakes. It is common for one who has been dumped to feel less attractive but this is not true. Remind yourself that you have value and self-worth and that you can stand up and meet someone who could even be better than your ex. It’s never easy when a relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split and whether you wanted it or not, the breakup of a relationship can turn your whole world upside down but hard as it may be, it’s not the end of the world. There are so many things you can do to get through this difficult time and move on and depending on how you look at it, you can actually come out this experience stronger and wiser. editorial@newtimes.co.rw *********************************************** YOUR VOICE: How should people handle breakups? Maureen Njeri, sales Consultant Maureen Njeri Emotions in relationships are so fluid you never know which way they will fly. However, I think tarnishing my name, especially with lies is a big no. I would advise people to take some time and create some space for themselves to heal. No matter how scary it can be after being in each other’s lives, it’s such an emotional roller coaster when you try to stay friends immediately. You do not even know how to act and you could also confuse other people. Hakim Stinson, businessman Hakim Stinson There is no best way. We all react differently to pain. It took me 15 years to get over my first breakup, now it takes me a week or two. Personally I don’t get heartbroken anymore. I am now the one who leaves so it’s easy to let go. It’s all in the head; I learnt to quickly change my focus. So I mentally focus on something else. Zainab Mulerwa, entrepreneur Zainab Mulerwa Immediately delete the person on all your social media platforms and get rid of all things that remind you of them. Keep a distance between them and you and do not accept the friendship offer. Take care of yourself even more, make time for your friends, join the gym because any sport is therapeutic and I suggest that if there is someone who has been pending, try and have a bit of a good time. Kassio Magera Kassio It all boils down to the cause of the breakup. There are so many reasons why people break up. I would check myself and if there is something I did wrong, I would apologise but if not I would cry, talk to close friends and accept that it has happened and perhaps try to learn from the experience. Compiled by N. Bishumba
