Choosing the right maid of honour, best man

The wedding day is arguably the most important day in a person’s life. It’s the day two lovebirds put a seal on their affection for each other in front of family and friends. It’s the day most people refer to as ‘the happiest day of their life.’ The day is not just about flowers, good food, wine and a beautiful dress. The success of your wedding also depends on the people you choose for the role of best man and maid of honour. So, how does the couple choose the right maid of honour or best man? According to Pastor Eugene Nshogozabahizi from Anglican Church Kacyiru, when choosing a maid of honour or best man, one should first consider the religion their potential ‘escorts’ subscribe to. He says that with the Anglican Church, there is a certain criteria that is followed, and that another major thing considered before choosing a best man or maid of honour is marital status. “First and foremost, a person is supposed to be a Christian. Secondly, the person has to be married, and even though the Bible doesn’t talk about it in particular, the church has it in place as a requirement to follow,” he says. Nshogozabahizi explains that there are some matters that are basic because one cannot guide another on issues they are oblivious about. “It’s obvious that someone who is still single can’t guide a person who is embarking on a journey into marriage. It is better to get someone who has experience in marriage you for clear and mature guidance,” he says. Aisha Uwimana, a musician, agrees with that line of thought saying that if she was to have a wedding, the first thing she would consider when choosing her maid of honour would be the person’s marital status. She says, “My maid of honour would be a close relative, or even family friend but what I would insist on is that she is married and has a family of her own. I believe that such a person understands the institution better and will be able help me when I need it,” Uwimana says. She points out that it would be someone who is close to her, someone she feels free around and can talk to about anything. Some couples just pick on married people for the sake of it, but not because they are their preferred choice. However, for people like Arianne Mutoni, a finance manager, who you choose to be your maid of honour should not be pegged on marriage experience. “You might choose someone just because they are married, but they might never fulfill their roles, and that means following up on the couple after the wedding day to find out how they are faring,” Mutoni says. She adds, “I might have someone I prefer to have as my maid of honour because she means a lot to me but isn’t married. Selecting someone just because she fits the defined rules is not right.” To her, the best man or maid of honour should be the groom or bride’s preference, whether married or not; that shouldn’t matter so much. Mary Kamanzi, head of Marriage for Family Ministry at Christian Life Assembly, says that the maid of honor and the best man should be people the bride and the groom are conversant with. She says, “One should go for someone with whom they are free and open with, in that it’s easy to share views on the ceremony’s preparations. They could be friends or even relatives.” Kamanzi also cautions that it is wise to have people that are available and there for you because weddings are stressful; she says that one isn’t supposed to hunt for a marriage expert but rather, a good friend who can be reliable. Didier Kalisa shares his experience and recalls that while preparing for his wedding, he did actually consider several factors before choosing his best man for such an important day in his life. The best man will help you get through the pressure of the day. Before he made his choice, he thought of the person he actually wanted beside him throughout the stressful arrangements. He concluded that he definitely wanted someone trustworthy, a confidant and of course, in case things got bad, someone who would offer to chip in. “I considered all those factors and indeed my choice didn’t disappoint me because my best man did what was expected of him and beyond. He even paid for his own suit, shoes and accessories,” Kalisa recalls. However, he says the bride and groom-to-be should also never ignore certain things considered trivial. “One should look for a person of the same size, height so that people don’t get confused as to who is the bride and vice versa,” he says. Immy Mulekatete, a journalist at RTV, is of the view that what matters is the relation. “Someone I am related to, is best suited to be my maid of honour because this way, we will always stay in each other’s lives. I would go for someone who has played an essential role in my life, someone who is a friend, who supports and accords me the attention I need. Also, someone who can influence my decisions,” Mulekatete says. She adds, “The person I chose was so confident and I believed in her, she talked and I listened because I trusted her. When I thought of someone to be my maid of honour, she came to mind.” Mulekatete says that one should go for someone who is cheerful, someone who means business but again adds playfulness to her serious side. “The best man should be a friend; both a personal friend and a friend to my spouse, the idea of a best man also goes beyond the wedding day, therefore it should be somebody you can reach out to in the course of your marriage, somebody in your circle that you can freely consult,” says Collin Mwangi. He also says that those two people have to have common ties with the groom as this creates a deeper connection. Some brides get torn between choosing among their siblings. So, afraid to show favouritism, some opt for either friends or other family members. Penina Umutesi recalls that on her wedding day, she chose her aunt as her maid of honour. This she did because she was torn between deciding which of her sisters would do it best without hurting any feelings. “I always wanted one of my sisters to be my maid of honour but the decision was too tough to make without showing that I loved one of them more. That’s why in the end I chose my aunt and this helped me a lot in eliminating the stress of choosing one of my sisters,” Umutesi says. She advises that one can even choose their fiancé’s sister as this would even help the woman win over the guy’s side. If choosing a maid of honour is hard, just have bridesmaids only. (Net photos) Other factors that one can be considered include availability, reliability, and responsibility of a person. One needs to choose a maid of honour or best man who will be available and not someone known for being unreliable. Everyone wishes for a great wedding, but the basics that one has to follow when choosing their preferred witnesses do not make the preparations any easier. editorial@newtimes.co.rw *************************************** Top tips to choosing your wedding party They’re your support group, your A-team, your wedding day front line. Here’s our crash course on creating your perfect wedding party. Think twice before you ask. Once you’ve asked someone to be in your wedding party, you can’t go back. So while it may be tempting to ask all of your favourite friends to be in your wedding party the minute you get engaged, don’t. Take your time. Give yourself at least a month, if you can, to mull over the options. And pose this question to yourself: Do you imagine you’ll be just as close to this person in five years as you are now? Set honest expectations. What sort of a role do you want your wedding party to play? Is it important to you that they help to address wedding invites, dress shop with you and attend all of the pre-wedding parties? Or will it be enough for them to wear what you choose and show up the day of? If it’s the former, think twice about asking friends or family who live far away or have extremely hectic schedules. The worst thing you could do is set yourself up for disappointment. Include your brothers and sisters. Not to sound like ‘Mom’, but think about it: Even if you’re not particularly close to his sister or her brother, siblings are going to be around well past your 10-year anniversary, and chances are, you’ll become closer over the years. If you come from a big family and you can’t possibly include everyone, draw the line at teenagers. Instead, make them a part of the ceremony by asking them to pass out programs or seat guests. Consider the size of your wedding. You can have as many (or few) bridesmaids and groomsmen as you like. The average wedding party size is eight—four bridesmaids and four groomsmen. Use that as a guide when you decide. Depending on formality, go larger or smaller. For a smaller wedding with around 50 to 60 guests, have no more than four, but for a larger wedding of, say, 150, you could go up to 12 if you really wanted to. Just keep this in mind: More isn’t always merrier. The more bridesmaids or groomsmen you have, the more people to coordinate with, find a flattering tux or dress for, and work around schedules with (can you imagine trying to find a free weekend for a bachelorette party with 12 bridesmaids?). Call him the man of honour and her the best woman. Guys can stand with the bridesmaids and women can stand with the groomsmen. It’s really up to you—what’s most important is that you include your favourite people, women and men. Choose responsible honour attendants. Choosing your best man and maid of honour might not be an easy task. The best honour attendants are friends who are responsible (since you’re going to rely on them for some big wedding planning tasks and to hold on to your expensive rings) and friends who are good at providing emotional support, because there just might be a few pre-wedding meltdowns. (It also helps if they’re super-fun, since they’ll be planning the bachelor and bachelorette parties!) Don’t ask someone just because they asked you. Weddings are no time for quid pro quo. You don’t need to ask someone to be in your wedding because they asked you to be in their wedding. Don’t ask the college roommate you haven’t spoken to in five years just to return the favour. Kids aren’t required. If there are no children you two feel particularly close to, you don’t need a flower girl and/or ring bearer. And if you have many children you want to include, feel free. Have three little flower girls instead of one and give them each their own basket of flower petals. Or have your two little guy cousins walk down the aisle as pages. They can bear the ring, hold a keepsake or carry a “Here Comes the Bride” sign. Agencies *************************************** YOUR VOICE: Is it necessary to have a maid of honour and best man? Shadia Mutoni, sales person Shadia Mutoni Personally, I consider a maid of honour one’s best friend, a close relative, a mentor; someone who stands by you, encourages you and helps you make good decisions for your big day. The maid of honour and best man are important in many ways that go beyond just helping you on the wedding day. Jacky Kayitesi, univeristy student Jacky Kayitesi Though a wedding day is supposed to be blissful, the day comes with challenges and pressure. And when this happens, the maid of honour and best man take responsibility. They could offer anything from financial assistance to emotional support, anything a bride and groom need to get through the day. It’s difficult for a bride to get through the pressure of the day without support. They are important, we need them. Edward Kabenga, entrepreneur Edward Kabenga Weddings have never been easy; every bride wants a memorable wedding, and this comes with a lot of pressure, which can be overwhelming at some point. So, in order to get through it smoothly, you need a smart and trusted friend; someone with a positive attitude who will keep you stress free. That’s the essence of having a maid of honour and best man. These are people who understand your day even more than you do and are willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen for you. Moses Ndungutse, hotel employee Moses Ndungutse Personally, a best a man is more than just a friend, this is a person who ensures that your wedding day turns out much better than you expected. He stands by you from day one; lends you an ear, gives you advice when you need it. This is a person who is concerned about your marriage, and will do whatever it takes to help you sail through it. Besides, we all need someone we trust to keep us focused. Compiled by Dennis Agaba

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Choosing the right maid of honour, best man