A major part of discipline is learning how to talk with children. The way you talk to your child teaches them how to talk to others. Here are some talking tips that work with children:

1. Connect before you direct
Before giving your child directions, squat to your child’s eye level and engage your child in eye-to-eye contact to get his attention. Teach him how to focus: "Mary, I need your eyes.” "Billy, I need your ears.”

Offer the same body language when listening to the child. Be sure not to make your eye contact so intense that your child perceives it as controlling rather than connecting.

2. Address the child
Open your request with the child’s name, "Lauren, will you please...”

3. Stay brief
We use the one-sentence rule: Put the main directive in the opening sentence. The longer you ramble, the more likely your child is to become parent-deaf.

Too much talking is a very common mistake when dialoging about an issue. It gives the child the feeling that you’re not quite sure what it is you want to say. If she can keep you talking she can get you sidetracked.

4. Stay simple
Use short sentences with one-syllable words. Listen to how kids communicate with each other and take note. When your child shows that glazed, disinterested look, you are no longer being understood.

5. Ask your child to repeat the request back to you
If he can’t, it’s too long or too complicated.

6. Make an offer the child can’t refuse
You can reason with a two or three-year-old, especially to avoid power struggles. "Get dressed so you can go outside and play.” Offer a reason for your request that is to the child’s advantage, and one that is difficult to refuse. This gives her a reason to move out of her power position and do what you want her to do.

7. Be positive
Instead of "no running,” try: "Inside we walk, outside you may run.”

8. Begin your directives with "I want.”
Instead of "Get down,” say "I want you to get down.” Instead of "Let Becky have a turn,” say "I want you to let Becky have a turn now.” This works well with children who want to please but don’t like being ordered. By saying "I want,” you give a reason for compliance rather than just an order.

9. "When...then.”
"When you get your teeth brushed, then we’ll begin the story.” "When your work is finished, then you can watch TV.” "When,” which implies that you expect obedience, works better than "if,” which suggests that the child has a choice when you don’t mean to give him one.

10. Legs first, mouth second
Instead of hollering, "Turn off the TV, it’s time for dinner!” walk into the room where your child is watching TV, join in with your child’s interests for a few minutes, and then, during a commercial break, have your child turn off the TV.

Going to your child conveys you’re serious about your request; otherwise children interpret this as a mere preference.

Dr Sears on Discipline and Behaviour