Valens Nyandwi, a resident of Nyarubaka cell in Kamonyi district, Southern province used to physically abuse his wife by beating her, so they were always in conflict.
He said the situation triggered poverty in their family and caused mental health problems for his wife and children.
"After getting married, I thought the family property belongs to me alone as a husband. My wife never accepted that and that is how conflicts started. We were always quarrelling and fighting. Our children were no longer going to school and we were always suffering from hunger due to such behaviours,” he narrated.
The couple spent two years in conflict from 2011 to 2013. His wife, Eugenie Iyakaremye testified that when she would generate income, she would hide it due to conflicts with her husband and suffering from unpaid care work.
"My husband would sleep with other women, and this hurt me a lot. I used to till land alone. After harvest, I had to store the food in my neighbours’ homes for fear that my husband would sell it and spend the money on alcohol. He was always drunk. He beat me so many times. My children could sometimes not go to school due to hunger and lack of school materials,” she said.
Today, the couple is among thousands that have reconciled and are enjoying a "happy marriage”, thanks to a programme that has engaged them in how to end gender-based violence.
"After ending the conflicts among us, we put our efforts together and achieved a lot, including cows and small livestock. We till and harvest and satisfy the needs of our children. They are now attending school on a daily basis,” Iyakaremye said.
About 3,000 couples who were in domestic conflicts due to gender-based violence in Southern province are on course to "willingly reconcile" after a local organization engaged men in ending domestic violence, The New Times has learnt.
The couples formed groups that engage in farming activities, livestock rearing, and business, among other income-generating activities.
The abuse in these families was physical, sexual, emotional, economic, or psychological.
Jean Bosco Rudasingwa, the National Project Coordinator at Rwanda Men's Resource Centre (RWAMREC) which has been training and helping couples to reconcile said that there is a need for more efforts and campaigns to engage men in ending gender-based violence.
RWAMREC was established by men, in 2006, with the aim of addressing toxic masculinity, gender-based inequality and violence in order to promote healthy families.
"We have 2, 940 couples so far we have been training in 101 sectors of the Southern province, with an aim to end gender-based violence in their families,” Rudasingwa said.
He said that the project has so far reached 93 sectors in Southern province.
"Only a few sectors are remaining with 20 couples in Mugombwa refugee camp, Gisagara district whom we have to train and engage in ending domestic violence,” he said.
Rudasingwa said during as the country continues to observe the 16 days' campaign against violence against women and girls that conclude on December 10.
The campaign was initiated as a global strategy by institutions, individuals, and groups to call for the elimination of violence against women and girls.
"We have selected 30 couples in every sector in Southern province. The couples in domestic conflicts were identified in partnership with local leaders.
"We make sure that 80 per cent of couples are the ones that have been facing gender-based violence where men beat wives, misspend family resources, torture their wives, forcing them to have sex among other forms of gender-based violence,” he said.
He noted that 20 per cent of the couples that benefit from the programme are role models, meaning there is no gender-based violence in their families.
"The exemplary couples help to change behaviours of other couples in domestic conflicts caused by gender-based violence,” Rudasingwa said.
The couples with domestic violence, he said, are trained for 17 weeks.
"We are happy that after training even those who have divorced reconcile. You can meet couples that reconcile after three years or some months without being together. It is a transformation journey approach in a project we are implementing to engage men in ending gender-based violence. To change men’s behaviour, we do it through engaging both couples,” Rudasingwa added.
He said that men have also played a role in caring about maternal and child health, adding that ignoring it is part of gender-based violence.
"Men should go with their wives to hospitals to access antenatal care services and even after childbirth. All these are part of efforts to end gender-based violence,” he said.
He said that engaging men in ending gender-based violence requires collaboration with faith-based organizations, youth, and other organizations and institutions.
The gender equality and women empowerment project, he said, is in the 3rd phase of implementation since there are more couples that were reconciled in other provinces.
"After training and reconciling the couples create a ‘Men Engage Club’ in every sector where those who have changed behaviours help change other men’s behaviours. Some end up becoming community activists who transform couples in conflicts,” he noted.
Unpaid care work as violence against women
Rudasingwa also said that men should also value unpaid care work and engage in doing these works to ease the burden on women explaining that there is a link between unpaid care work and violence.
Clare Katwesigye, the Women’s Rights and Advocacy Coordinator at ActionAid Rwanda which also strives for fighting all forms of domestic violence explains that unpaid care work refers to all unpaid services provided within a household or a community, for comfort and well-being.
"These activities are considered work because theoretically, one could pay a third person to perform them.
Designating this work to women has contributed to their overall capacity building and has negatively affected their contribution to economic activities,” she said.
These activities include cooking, cleaning, collecting water and firewood, and caring for children, older people, and those who are unwell.
Unpaid care work has been recorded as a trigger for violence against women, according to studies.
According to "National-Level Research To Assess The Effect Of Unpaid Care Work (UCW) On Women’s Economic Participation In Rwanda” commissioned by ActionAid Rwanda in 2020, It was realized that women spend more time on UCW compared to men.
The geographical scope of the study comprised nine districts namely Gakenke, and Musanze in Northern Province, Rubavu and Ngororero from the Western province, Muhanga, and Nyaruguru from the Southern, Kirehe, and Nyagatare from the Eastern province as well as Gasabo District from the city of Kigali.
In Rural areas, women spend six hours on Unpaid Care Work compared to two hours for men. In Semi-Urban, women spend five hours compared to one hour for men. In Urban, women spend two hours compared to one hour for men.
"UCW leaves women more vulnerable to violence due to their roles and household poverty. UCW reinforces discriminatory social norms that create and sustain violence. In Rwanda one of the factors is patriarchal societal behaviour, whereby cooking at home is reserved for women and girls,” she said.
She said that unpaid care work concerns primarily women more than men and the best way to address it is to elaborate friendly laws and policies.
Using efficiently existing forums and programs including HeForShe (movement for the advancement of gender equality), Umugoroba w’ umuryango (Parents evening forum) , and campaigning for more engagement of men in unpaid care works, are among many recommendations.
Call for justice in punishing perpetrators
Innocent Muramira, a Kigali-based lawyer, told The New Times that although reconciliation is possible among couples in conflicts, the government should put more effort into punishing GBV perpetrators to discourage people from continuing to commit such crimes.
"Beating and injuring someone is a crime that should be punished. Rape and adultery is a crime. Reconciliation is good but justice is also needed for victims. A wife can be beaten for two years in silence. It depends but suffering for two years is not a simple case.
"Criminal cases may not be easy to be withdrawn apart from adultery. Where one commits acts such as sexual torture or assault, then they risks to face the long arm of the law. Reconciliation may work but still, the law has to apply to deter other people in the community from committing crimes,” Muramira said, adding that there are many examples of many who were sentenced due to GBV crimes.
Failure to punish has also been resulting in homicides.