Every time we get into the bed affair (sex to be precise), we either have deliberately decided over it or we are just sliding into it. That is to say, we get into sex either after carefully thinking through about the risks involved and openly discuss with the sexual partner, or we just ride with assumptions and emotions and then before we think about it we are down into the business.
Understanding the two concepts (sliding into sex or deciding over sex) and resolving to operate on their right ideals is among the critical steps in solving sex-related community issues; teenage pregnancies, unplanned pregnancy among unmarried and married couples, spiking number of sexually transmitted diseases including HIV/AIDS, sex-related effects on mental health and sex-related family issues.
In this article, we will explore the two concepts and their respective impact on individual sex life.
But before explaining them, let me, in this Part 1 of the article, share with you some interesting ideas about why we, humans, have sex and handle sex differently.
I started doing research about sex when I was in the second year of medical school four years ago. Sex was the most discussed topic among my friends and the university community. Some students were comfortably involved in sex, others were involved but hiding it, others’ sexual conducts were influenced by religious or family ethics that they had to wait after marriage before they could have sex.
The sex conversation and the diverse sexual conducts prompted me to do what I always do whenever I encounter a new, hard-to-comprehend concept; I read books and talk to people (commoners and experts).
The book "Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask” by Psychiatrist
David Reuben, M.D published in 1969 was a quick-starter. This was the time of the Hippie movement when women liberation and emerging of contraceptive pills made a true revolution in the way people looked at sex before marriage. Before the pill, you could not have sex without a risk of pregnancy. The pill changed this dramatically.
The challenges are that we have more knowledge on sexual behaviour of animals like pigs than our sexual behaviours. So he wanted to bring knowledge of our sexual behaviour up to the same standard. The author advocated for the need to understand our sexuality and make informed decisions.
"The goal of this book is to replace ignorance with knowledge and replace fear with confidence by telling, honestly and directly EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX--- BUT WERE AFRAID TO ASK” Dr Reuben wrote.
The book highlights three reasons why human beings have sex; reproduction, expression of love, and fun (sex for pleasure). These three sexual experiences can happen simultaneously, consecutively or separately.
Sex for reproduction (reprosex; for producing children) is simple, easily understood and straightforward, the author wrote, it can be achieved within less than four minutes as all it takes is the sperm to meet the ovum. The book highlights that the average person engages in the reprosex about 10 or less occasions in their lifetime. This is the most unpopular sex among teenagers, unmarried lovers, single ladies, gay community and mothers of many children. Many world governments discourage reprosex through family planning programmes and other policies for population growth regulation while other governments encourage it due to low population supply.
Sex is sometimes a means for love expression, the psychiatrist wrote. "The dramatic fusion of two bodies and two spirits during sexual intercourse can sometimes create emotional bond that profoundly communicates love more than millions of words,” Dr Reuben added. While some cultures claim marriage to be a prerequisite for this sexual experience, others are okay with the expression of love through sex out of wedlock.
"Everybody is in favour of love-sex, especially writers of popular songs, though not everyone has the chance to be exposed to it,” Dr Reuben sympathised.
Sex for fun, the book showcases, is the sex for sheer physical and emotional exhalation of all pleasure and good feelings coming with complete sexual experience. To be concise, this is recreation sex at its best.
Although many religions are against recreation sex, moral educators shun it and most parents openly forbid it, it is the most popular sexual practice. According to Center for US Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) study in 2019, 38% of high school students had sex at least once, 27% of them had it in the last three months and 9% of them had four or more sexual partners.
"Almost everyone under the age of 25 is for it openly, and nearly everyone else seeks it actively, if not secretly,” Dr Reuben claims.
According to the article ‘Open relationships: Is this the new reality?’ published by The New Times, a local NGO survey in Rwanda found that 10 out of 20 young people in the age range 24 to 30 had several active sexual partners, some of whom know each other and are okay with it.
For a healthy sex life, it is very critical for an individual to understand the sexual experience they looking for as they engage in the bed affair.
After deep research and reflection, I dedicated the whole chapter in my book "The 4 Genius Windows:
Discovering why you don’t know what you don’t know” about sex "The Genius sex windows”.
With my co-author late Frank K. Rubaduka, we showcase the four typical human perceptions about sex that determine how sex is handled. First, risky sex (knowing a certain sex practice is risky but take any opportunity available and do it anyway). Second, trial sex (afraid of sexual engagement but want to give it a try anytime given a chance). Third, responsible sex (understand the dynamisms of sexuality and handle their sex life responsibly). Fourth, duty sex (sense of obligation to engage in sex with a certain person like in marriage).
Sexual phenomenon is complex, diverse and fascinating. Researcher Alfred Kinsey defined sex as any behaviour that leads to orgasm.
With a critic that one party engaged in sex might not achieve orgasm, Hyde and Delamater, in their book ‘Understanding Human Sexuality’, define sex as the behaviour that produces arousal and increases the chance of orgasm.
Historically, religion was the main source of sexual information, science took over in the 1800s and with the emerging of the internet, the media became the main sex teacher.
Various theories explain the diversity of sexual practices in different cultures. According to psychologist Freud Sigmund, human sex drive or sexual energy (libido) is one of the two major forces motivating human behaviours (another is death instinct called Thanatos).
This makes sex a powerful force in the universe; powerful enough to override logical ideals and get one to slide into it. Let’s dive into ‘Sliding versus Deciding’ in Part 2 of this article next week.
Look out for Part 2 in next week’s issue.
The author is a medical doctor (in training)
ericniyitanga08@gmail.com