The message was simple: “I’ll call you later.” Nothing unusual. Nothing alarming. Just a few words that, under normal circumstances, would have passed without much thought. But for Eric (not his real name), those words quickly lost their simplicity. Hours went by without a callback. No follow-up text arrived. No explanation was offered. “I started feeling like I had done something wrong,” says the 30-year-old. “Then I thought maybe she was tired of me. By the time she finally called, I was already worried, angry, and convinced she didn’t care about our relationship.” What followed was not really about the missed call itself. It became an argument shaped by something deeper. Fear, panic, and emotions that felt too heavy to control. ALSO READ: Is talking about mental health making things worse? Eric lives with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a mental health condition that affects emotional regulation, relationships, self-image, and behaviour. For him, romantic relationships are where those struggles often become most visible. “It’s like my emotions go from zero to a hundred very fast,” he says. “And when I feel someone is pulling away, even slightly, it feels like I’m about to lose them completely.” Mental health specialists say BPD is more than just “mood swings” or emotional instability. The condition is often associated with intense emotional sensitivity, impulsive reactions, fear of abandonment, unstable self-image, and difficulty maintaining relationships over time. Because relationships are built around emotional connection, trust, reassurance, and communication, they often become the place where these struggles surface most intensely. When small moments feel much bigger For many people living with BPD, ordinary relationship moments can carry overwhelming emotional weight. A delayed reply may feel like rejection. A partner asking for space after conflict may feel like abandonment. A slight shift in tone may trigger panic or anger. Uwimana (name changed) remembers how what began as a promising first serious relationship eventually became emotionally draining and difficult to navigate. ALSO READ: After years of treating trauma, a psychiatric nurse faced her own “One moment we would be darling-darling, making plans to go out or talking on the phone, and the next those plans would suddenly change or he would delay picking up my calls,” she says. “Quite often I found myself questioning whether he loved me or whether I had done something wrong.” Eventually, she walked away from the relationship, convinced she was the problem. Mental health professionals say such reactions are rarely deliberate or manipulative. Instead, they are often driven by emotional overwhelm and heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection. “What might look small to another person can feel emotionally dangerous to someone living with BPD,” says Olive Mukase, a mental health specialist at Nyamata Hospital. According to Mukase, people living with the condition often struggle to regulate emotions once triggered. “Their emotions become very intense and unstable,” she explains. “When something hurts them emotionally, they may continue holding onto it for a long time instead of calming down quickly.” That intensity can create repeated cycles of reassurance-seeking, conflict, withdrawal, regret, and reconciliation, the kind of patterns that can leave both partners emotionally drained. The fear of being left behind One of the strongest themes associated with BPD is fear of abandonment. ALSO READ: Early signs of mental health struggles you might be ignoring Mukase says many people living with the condition constantly fear rejection, even in situations where there is no actual intention to leave them. “They may end relationships first because they fear being abandoned,” she says. “Sometimes even a small misunderstanding can make them suddenly say, ‘Let’s end this,’ because they are already trying to protect themselves emotionally.” This can create what psychologists often describe as a “push and pull” dynamic in relationships, an intense desire for closeness mixed with an equally strong fear of getting hurt. At the beginning of relationships, partners may be idealised and viewed as perfect, safe, or deeply comforting. But once conflict appears, those feelings can quickly shift into anger, disappointment, or emotional withdrawal. “It’s not that we don’t love people,” Eric says quietly. “Sometimes the fear of losing them becomes louder than everything else.” Relationships that feel emotionally exhausting For partners and families, relationships affected by BPD can feel deeply intense, confusing, and unpredictable. Chantal, a 35-year-old businesswoman and single mother from Kimironko, says she ultimately decided to leave the relationship when the emotional strain became unbearable. What had once seemed promising gradually turned into a source of persistent stress, uncertainty, and emotional exhaustion. “He would always complain about something and disappear for days, and only return when he deemed it so,” says Chantal (not her real name). “Sometimes he would not say where he was or even switch off the phone. He would return seemingly ready to continue with our relationship, well mannered, but later something else would come up, especially when responsibility was involved, and he would disappear again after a small argument.” Over time, she says, she found herself constantly anxious. “It reached a point where I felt it was too much for me mentally. Living in that relationship felt like walking on eggshells.” Mental health experts caution, however, against reducing people living with BPD to the difficulties they experience in relationships. “People with BPD are often deeply caring, emotionally sensitive, and capable of strong attachment,” Mukase says. “But without support, their emotional world can become overwhelming both for them and for the people close to them.” Trauma, identity, and emotional wounds According to Mukase, unresolved childhood trauma, emotional neglect, unstable family environments, and loss can all contribute to the development of BPD traits later in life. She says Rwanda’s history and social realities have left some people growing up without stable emotional support systems or healthy parental examples. ALSO READ: Relationships: Getting out of a toxic situation “There are people who grew up feeling emotionally abandoned from childhood,” she explains. “Some lost parents early. Others grew up without guidance, emotional care, or stability. That can affect how someone builds identity, trust, and attachment later in life.” Without healthy emotional foundations, some people enter relationships already carrying deep fears of rejection, insecurity, or worthlessness. “They may struggle to understand their role in relationships or family,” Mukase says. “Some feel like they have always had to survive alone, so they do not fully believe relationships can remain safe or stable.” Between stigma and misunderstanding Despite growing awareness around mental health, BPD remains heavily misunderstood. Online discussions often reduce people living with the condition to labels such as “toxic,” “dramatic,” or “impossible to love.” Mental health advocates say such framing can discourage people from seeking help and deepen feelings of shame. In reality, BPD is treatable. One of the most effective treatment approaches is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), which helps people develop emotional regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, and communication skills. Mukase says professional support is important not only for the person living with BPD, but sometimes also for their partner. “A partner alone cannot provide all the emotional regulation another person needs,” she explains. “Therapy helps the person understand their triggers and build healthier coping mechanisms.” She adds that learning communication skills can significantly reduce emotional escalation inside relationships. ALSO READ: Why Africa must invest in brain and mental health “If both people understand what is happening, they can respond differently instead of constantly hurting each other.” Learning to respond differently Healthy relationships involving BPD are possible, but they often require patience, boundaries, consistency, and long-term emotional work from both sides. Love alone is rarely enough. For Eric, therapy has slowly changed how he responds during emotionally intense moments. “I still feel things deeply,” he says. “But now I try to pause first. I ask myself whether what I’m feeling is fear, anger, or insecurity before reacting.” He admits the process is ongoing. “It’s not perfect,” he says. “But I’m learning not every silence means abandonment.” Beyond the diagnosis At its core, BPD is not simply about unstable relationships. It is about emotional pain, fear of rejection, identity struggles, and an overwhelming need for connection, sometimes all happening at once. And while the condition can complicate relationships, mental health professionals stress that it does not erase someone’s ability to love, grow, or build healthy emotional connections. For many people living with BPD, healing is not about becoming someone else. It is about learning how to stay connected to others without constantly feeling like those relationships are about to disappear.
