Have you heard of women who fear being successful, highlighting that their success will scare men off, or women who think that they’re of a better class because they use tampons but not pads, or those that claim that they’re more attractive because they’re curvy, and judging others or being judged for not being feminist enough, or women who say that other women who had C-sections are not mothers enough? All this is toxic feminism.

Truthfully, many women are affected by toxic femininity, it happens at work, family, church, and everywhere, and has left many women broken, feeling out of place, powerless, lost and worse.

Toxic femininity can be defined as women using their feminine traits in a way that is damaging to others.

It can be in form of shaming other women’s bodies, or choices, rumours or gossip that spoil one’s reputation, jealousy, resentment, and bitterness towards other women for their looks, popularity, and professional performance.

Experts say that toxic femininity is the result of internalised sexism and just as harmful as toxic masculinity. Most women receive toxic femininity-based grooming from childhood. For example, girls were told that if they didn’t know how to cook, men wouldn’t desire them or they may struggle to find a husband.

Toxic femininity is actually sometimes covered up that most people don’t see the wrong in it, yet it actually is. Take an example of statements such as, "a lady should walk like this, should polish their nails, wear heels, sit a certain way, make-up makes them look more beautiful,” and so forth. If a woman puts much effort into being accepted, it’s already toxic.

Healthline defines toxic femininity as any instance when women are either explicitly told to conform to traditional stereotypes or attempt to align with those stereotypes themselves.

Grace, who prefers not to disclose her second name, is a victim of toxic femininity, having been married for two years, she has been questioned by many people why she doesn’t have children.

She notes that this left her wondering why not having children is an issue in the first place.

Innocent Kabera, a family counsellor at Ayina Think Tank Rwanda, expresses how he has come across people who have suffered from eating disorders in the name of looking petite and staying in shape, which has led to health issues.

"When our institution carried out research, we realised that these young girls starved themselves for fear of getting fat and to conform to beauty standards. They also indulged in some intensive sports to get faster results, but because they did not even have a personal trainer or a skilled person in their vicinity, it worsened their health,” Kabera states.

He says that sometimes he has seen cases of students in high school who are stressed because they have to manage the demands of their family, especially in doing home chores and any other work to show that they are feminine and that they are supportive, helpful, and selfless. Plus, they must also meet the demands of their academics.

Kabera explains that toxic femininity ruins self-confidence, as girls and women decide not to share their opinions so as not to seem bossy—a thing in that in end leaves them feeling powerless.

That is why sometimes ladies who were raised in single schools tend to be more confident because they do not have to belittle themselves, and feel the need to look attractive for the opposite gender, he adds.

Kabera is of the view that some women’s relationships both professionally and romantically will suffer because sometimes due to toxic femininity, someone will not be able to set boundaries.

He adds that toxic femininity is viewed when women feel pressured by internal and external factors to get married, and to make matters worse, the rush may land them in the hands of the wrong partner, but yet stay in such unhappy or unhealthy relationships to please the world.

Signs

According to Healthline, toxic femininity can show up in pretty much any environment:

• at school

• at home, with family or romantic partners

• at work

• in the media

• online, including social media

• among friends and in other social settings.

"Some of the signs of toxic femininity include, pretending that you do not know something yet you know it, but you are afraid to show your capabilities, wanting to be in a relationship or have a partner because others have them or you are being forced to, putting men’s desires before your own, or judging other women’s dress code,” Kabera highlights.

Causes

Kabera notes that social media, the press, music, movies, religious beliefs, culture and norms, parenting styles, friends and influencers can all trap one into toxic feminism.

According to Liliane Gahima, a PR practitioner in Musanze, toxic feminism is triggered by several things, these include, negative competition, for example, in the work environment where women will choose to bring down others in case they feel intimidated by them, past life events that destroy trust and joy and people end up victimising themselves in all aspects—that is, if someone was hurt by another person that they trusted and in return, take the bitterness on others.

Martin Nomwesigwa, a business development consultant, says that a couple of reasons provoke toxic femininity such as, ignorance, where you find young girls wrongly influenced into getting mad at men, hoping by doing so, they are fighting for their independence.

Secondly, is an unreconciled past, where some women were hurt or abused, in their relationships by their fathers, uncles, boyfriends, relatives or a series of them, and as a result, such women hate men, he adds.

Nomwesigwa points out that toxic femininity is as though it sometimes is against men. For him, femininity is a good thing aside from how the world is making it appear. It is what makes a woman, a woman. Just as masculinity makes a man, a man. The challenge is when each side wants to dominate the other in a wrong manner.

"I believe a woman has her area of dominion, and so does a man, and when you match the two, they compliment each other, and they should make this world a better place,” he says.

He adds that men need women, and vice versa, and as a result, we are happy—we need to treat each other with respect, dignity and observe each other’s rights as both intended them to be. We are all created in the image of God.

Prevention

"People have defined femininity through colours. I recall a time when I was training young people at work, I handed them manual papers that were coloured in blue and pink. I gave the blue one to the girl, and pink to the boy, which they exchanged quickly. When I bothered to know why they did so, they responded that pink is for girls and blue for boys.

"I was inquisitive to know more about the arguments on the matter and our session turned into another subject to explore. You need to understand who the influencers are who have shaped you into who you became, is it the media, friends, religion, or parents? Just have enough knowledge and information about it to know the root cause of your beliefs, it will help you know where to start curbing them,” Kabera says.

He points out that movies we watch, books we read, and the things we see on social media can lead one into believing such stereotypes.

The family counsellor also notes that one ought to learn from powerful ladies who have achieved their higher selves and learn how they did it.

"Know your worth, explore your talents, and do not shy away from showing them to the world, do pep talks to remind yourself who you really are not what others tell you to be, your power should be coming from within not from without,” Kabera says.

Kabera urges setting boundaries and sometimes distancing yourself from the conformity of your environment or peers. Then later you will discover a sense of happiness in you.

Gahima says that toxic feminism is a mental health issue that shouldn’t be ignored. A lot can be done to reduce it, starting with creating a safe space for women to share their issues, such historical events, worries, and so forth.

Additionally, this can be done through mentoring and empowering women, especially from an early age, and tackling self-esteem and worth, strengths, adaptation into society, moral values, and much more.

She also says that women should be taught to capitalise their strengths to thrive other than bringing down others in order to shine.

"Women should be taught about positive competition, if someone does something better, it doesn’t hurt to approach them for guidance instead of sabotaging them. We can all shine without dimming another’s light. The world is a vast place and everyone is unique and talented in different ways, which is why we should use our specific gifts to shine,” Gahima notes.

She concludes that you can only give what you have, a hurt person hurts others, a broken person breaks others—it’s very important to have trusted people to run this race with, before broken souls take it to another level.