"When it rains, it pours” and "what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” are two adages that apply to Theophile Independence and Regina Mukakalisa, residents of Kabarondo sector in Eastern Province.

As countries worldwide, including Rwanda, mark the 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence (GBV), one cannot look far from this family to understand how this societal vice can deeply impact the well-being and lives of those experiencing it.

Mukakalisa bore the brunt of it all, enduring years of physical, sexual, economic, emotional, and psychological violence, perpetuated by her husband, who is now a changed man.

Their story

Born in Kacyiru sector, Gasabo District, in a family of 11, Mukakalisa, a mother of two, got married in 2001 at the age of 37. In a society where girls were pressured to marry early, it was considered ‘late’ for her — this marked the beginning of her troubles.

Mukakalisa, the eldest, grew up with a strong sense of responsibility, taking care of her siblings. With four younger brothers, she admired being a boy.

"I never felt like I wanted to be a girl because I thought being a girl was not a good thing. I used to see boys around in the community and often I tried to play boys’ games and wear boys’ clothes,” she said.

However, her parents never discriminated against the girls, which empowered her early. Upon completing studies and starting work as a nurse, Mukakalisa met Independence, who had just been discharged from military service.

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The first few years of their marriage were full of bliss, but then things took a turn. Independence began drinking a little too much and spent more time in the bar than he did at home.

Before they knew it, family disputes kicked in. They started as small disagreements but soon escalated.

"We were good for the first three years or so, but challenges started to emerge slowly. Alcoholism caused a lot of conflicts and strife in our family. He stopped taking care of the children and other family needs,” Mukakalisa said.

"I asked him to seek help and he agreed. We checked into a psychiatric hospital, CARAES Ndera, and he started treatment, but at this point, we had lost resources and were struggling with poverty,” she added.

She was determined to assist him, but Independence was not receptive. When he relapsed, things worsened as he became more abusive, insulting her with demeaning words and later resorting to physical violence.

"In 2009, things had gotten really bad. I felt like I was done with the marriage. At some point, he would return home whenever he wanted. Even the neighbours knew.”

She no longer felt emotions. She used to cry but eventually stopped. It wasn’t until she started counselling that she realised she was carrying a heavy burden.

"When I started counselling, I burst out crying. I noticed I was covering up many things that had piled up inside me. I had developed some coping mechanisms. Whenever we heard him coming home, shouting and abusing neighbours, we would go into hiding to avoid him,” Mukakalisa said.

Many people would tell her to leave him and go back to her family, describing him as "a useless man who did not deserve her.”

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What would happen to him if she left? Would he die? What would the children think? Do they even know he is an abusive father? These are questions Mukakalisa had in her head but did not have the answers.

Despite working as a teacher and a nurse, she never kept any of the money she worked for. She gave all the earnings to her husband — which he would take and spend on alcohol.

"I realised that I had lost him. I was going to focus on my children and myself. On the other hand, I couldn’t abandon him completely. He was my husband. We were legally married and had vowed to stay with each other in good or bad times,” Mukakalisa said.

Turning point

In 2015, Mukakalisa was chosen as one of five women from her cell to participate in a training of trainers in Kabarondo sector, along with 15 others. The training, organised by Rwanda Women’s Network (RWN), focused on combating GBV in households.

The training changed Mukakalisa’s perspective and was a turning point for her family. She realised her rights and refused to tolerate any form of abuse.

She continued with the training, initially aimed at supporting other families experiencing GBV, but in reality, she became the first beneficiary because she was going through similar situations.

"Later, I decided to invite him over to one of the training sessions. He attended and enjoyed the session. After some time, he started changing slowly. I thought it was just something temporary and he would go back to his old ways. But over time, he proved to me that he was a changed man,” she said.

Independence’s troubles

Independence, born in former Zaire, now the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC), in 1965, said he delayed marriage due to his military service. Upon completing education in DRC, he left to join the Rwanda Patriotic Front (RPF- Inkotanyi) liberation struggle in 1992.

"I didn’t want to marry and leave my wife and children behind suffering. I didn’t know if I would die in the struggle or return home. I told myself I wouldn’t marry while still in active service,” he said.

When he was discharged, he was able to do several jobs but he mostly attributes his difficulties to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and other life frustrations, which he took out on others, particularly his wife.

After getting married, he gave in to the pressure from other men who encouraged him to "be a man” and "stop being controlled by the wife”. They even formed an association as they enjoyed football in two of their favourite bars.

During his second stint in rehab at Icyizere Psychotherapeutic Centre, with fellow men, they reflected on life and concurred that it was not the life they desired.

That’s when he joined the RWN programme. Three years later, Independence has not consumed any alcohol, and he has been collaborating closely with his wife on a range of income-generating projects.

It’s not too late

After years of domestic abuse and conflict, Mukakalisa is dedicated to helping others, through RWN’s programme, because she knows that like her, many households have normalised GBV — and this, she said, is a volcano waiting to erupt.

Many societal stereotypes make both men and women hesitant to address challenges early on, as men are expected to be strong and women are expected to be submissive to men.

Today, there is a significant change in Mukakalisa’s family and themselves as individuals. Independence has returned to work, and they are involved in various income-generating activities, such as livestock farming and agriculture. Additionally, they produce and sell bricks.

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Despite the time lost, they realised it’s never too late to make a change. Working together as a team makes it much easier.

"I no longer hand over the money to my husband. When we get money, we put it together, sit down, and budget, based on what we want to do,” Mukakalisa said. They have also joined cooperatives and savings groups, something they never did before.

Mukakalisa said the most frequent cases of GBV they encounter are related to family resources, property, or assets, which are the primary cause of family conflict, followed by emotional and physical abuse or violence.

Sexual violence is seldom reported but they do get cases, especially girls, who go through it. Sometimes they encounter cases that require medical attention and involvement of law enforcement and local leaders.

Ever since they began engaging with households in their communities, people have started to open up. They make every effort to help the victims.

"The first support we give them is to listen and counsel them. Some cases require medical attention and the first thing we do is to refer them to a doctor. Some have been living with this kind of abuse for many years and they have not done anything about it, and we try to help them in one way or another,” Mukakalisa said.

Through RWN’s initiative, at least 40 people have been trained to support others, which has helped address the prevalence of GBV in Kabarondo.

Mukakalisa encourages people to report and speak out about GBV because that is the only way to address and end it.