Selfish, lazy and unreliable. This is the latest behaviour of your man. Is his behaviour normal or is he trying to push you out of his life without saying it? A few days ago, I received a call from my close friend Nshuti, complaining about her long time boyfriend (Migabo). She was concerned about his recent behaviour which she described as “weird.” “He doesn’t call me any more, when I call him he tells me he is in a meeting and promises to call back but never calls back.” Nshuti told me that she recently found out that Migabo had lied to her about his visit to his village when he had been on a weekend trip with another girl. “When he returned I confronted him about it, he conceded but didn’t apologize,” she said sobbing. From the above scenario, the writing on the wall was clear. Migabo was no longer interested in Nshuti though she took long to acknowledge it. Nshuti kept on asking Migabo why their relationship was changing and he kept saying there was nothing wrong in their relationship and nothing was to cause worry. Definitely Migabo was lying! “He’s taking you for granted,” I said. “Call the cheat immediately and tell him its over – it will bring him to his senses.” Nshuti took my advice seriously and did exactly as advised. The following day Nshuti, who is a photojournalist with a Kampala photo studio, rang me literally crying like a hungry baby. “I told him it was over,” she sniffed. “And guess what the player said? He said, “Ok!” Then he said that thing people only say when it’s over, - “Let us stay very good friends.” I had a mind to fly to Migabo’s workplace and punch him three times in the face (but thank God, I am not a good fighter. And the million dollar question was, why hadn’t he told my friend that it was over? Well, for the same reason a man will put off his shoes and socks, leave them in the neatly kept living room or ask you for his car keys early in the morning, the same thing surfaces when time for breaking up sets in, most men will leave it to women to end a relationship. But what do professionals say? “Men don’t like confrontation,” says Mike Gayle, the author of ‘Wish you were here’. “We prefer you to dump us rather than the other way around.” Gayle also thinks it’s to do with male and female role play. “Its part of the bargain,” he explains. “It’s mostly men who do the chasing and pursuing. We have to approach you and face rejection at times. So it’s only fair that women take the responsibility for breaking up. Doing it this way ,we can all save face. She gets to take control and he gets what he wants without having to be nasty. Its about personal dignity.” Ladies there you have it. It’s about feeling good and not at all to do it with fear that you might cry or suffer a heart break. “We don’t know how you are going to react,” Gayle says. “We could either get a punch in the face or water works.” “Men will do anything to avoid a scene” emphasizes Gayle. According to most men interviewed in Kampala about breaking up, the reason most of them give is, ‘women manipulate.’ “We try as much when we are tired of the relationship to send you signal like avoiding intimacy, be totally different from the man you fell in love with.” says Philip, 28, a banker. “The assumption is that when you notice these signals, you will then call it quits,” Philip explains. Therefore it’s no wonder so many women find themselves calling it off or arrive at the decision themselves. Though not always, some women stay in abusive relationships with false hopes that “things” will one day become better. Apparently every man appears to have his way of “calling it off silently.” “I stop trying to make things work between us. Blow small mistakes out of proportion and generally let myself go,” says Simon, 32, an accountant with Price Water Coopers Kampala. “I don’t bother discussing my feelings .I just distant myself and become impossible to live with,” he adds. “Let’s face it,” Charles, 27, a journalist says, no man ends a relationship with his girlfriend or wife without Plan B. So if things are dragging on; I just make sure the girlfriend knows about Plan B.” (of course the new catch). For some men, the dumping strategy commonly known as “psychologically retiring” which is more of “withdrawal method” is the best option. Here a man distances himself emotionally and physically from the woman eventually forcing her to calling it quits. “There is never a good time to dump a girl,” says Gayle. The degree of subtlety seems to depend on the length of the relationship. “In a two-week relationship, a man will just stop calling,” says Gayle, “but in a two-year relationship it will take months to end the relationship.” However, some men use simpler ways: flirting openly with other girls, developing a social life from which you are totally excluded, going on a trip without letting you know, etc. It’s time for you jump out of the ship before it sinks. So here’s the deal, if your man has started sending out signals like forgetting to call you, your birthday, keeping you at a distance, you are facing two options . You could do the decent thing and end the relationship, and this will give you the satisfaction of telling people you dumped him other than making him guilty for hurting your feelings. Or you can ignore the signals and see how long it takes for him to crack. However, whichever way men choose to play the game, the relationship that was never going to be, whether prematurely interrupted or not will still crumble. The truth of the matter is that ending a relationship saves you a lot of emotional problems, especially if you realize it’s just not working out. Ends
