Diaspoman: How my search for a partner backfired at church

Last Sunday was an eye opener for me. You may recall that my quest for a better half still remains very much in the balance.

Last Sunday was an eye opener for me. You may recall that my quest for a better half still remains very much in the balance.

The pressure from the old folks in Mutara is unbearable. Relentlessly, my search for a bride has taken me to places! Since it is the almighty God who chooses a spouse for you, my head convinced me that I have to confine myself to those religious circles.  

The timing could not have been any better. Yes, the church in our neighbourhood was holding an important function. They were going to consecrate one of their pastors.

Since it was such a big occasion in the lives of many devoted Christians, the holy building would be jam packed. I told myself that this would be a great opportunity for me to visit this place and torch around.

The night before, I prepared myself by pulling out my long lost suit and matching tie. I checked out whether my shoes were polished properly. I confirmed this by smiling wide so that I could see my teeth in the shoe instead of a normal mirror.  

Come Sunday morning. I woke up at 5am and proceeded to dress up in a manner to suggest that I was heading for a cocktail party. The only difference this time was that I was holding an object in my hands. It was not a cell phone.

It was not a briefcase. It was the holy Bible itself. I guess I had not held this book in my hands for the past seven years. That is why this book had changed its colour from Blue to Brown. This brown colour was nothing else but coats and coats of dust.

When I collected some tissues to clean it, I began to sneeze so much. I sneezed until the whole neighbourhood thought they had been attacked by a strange disease.  

By the time I was through wiping my bible, it had become as new as the Gikondo highway itself. No wonder, our good friends from Gikondo have now repainted their houses.

Gikondo used to be so dusty that whenever pilots were over flying, they would make the following announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, please shut your windows for five minutes. We are now flying over Gikondo”.

Passengers would immediately close their windows and grab any piece of cloth to cover their nostrils.  

Anyhow, Gikondo’s dust is now as history as the layers that had covered my holy bible. The bible was a gift to me ages ago when I became confirmed as a Christian. After the Bishop had laid his palms on my forehead, I became a total Christian.

In return, I received this holy book as my gift. In the inside cover, the church had printed my full names and date of confirmation.

This is the bible that I carried when I headed for the church service, in which our local pastor was to be consecrated. At the entrance, I sized up all sides. I was looking for the most strategic corner.

Once I was inside, I started to search for the lady who had the biggest mouth. This biggest mouth would signify that she was a good choral singer and therefore a devoted Christian who could in turn become a suitable wife. It did not take me long to make my choice.

So after the short service, we flocked outside for the usual hugs, pecks and gossips. My eye closely fixed to my mystery lady, I finally hooked up with her outside.

I immediately told her about my feelings towards her big and strong voice, which could change church hymns from copper to Gold. Could I therefore be consecrated to her?

Well, she requested more time to think about this whole consecration business. She then told me to come back the following Sunday to check on her response. 

But my chances were to be dashed due to an oversight from my part. You see, since I was not used to attending church services, I simply went back home and forgot to take my holy bible with me.

While they were cleaning up the church, pastors found it and kept it for me. The following Sunday (today), I rushed back for the same service to meet my future bride.

As I settled by her side, the pastor picked his microphone and called out my full names. “Last Sunday you forgot your bible in church. Dear Christians, this is a very bad habit indeed”. I was exposed. Indeed, my mystery lady made her conclusion. We could not be consecrated after all!