DIASPOMAN : When becoming deaf and dumb paid off

I don’t think I have ever told you about a certain Engineer who once joined us in our escapades. We formed a lucrative partnership with him during the mid 90s. This guy was not an Engineer trained from Butare University. No way! Instead he was simply a quack Engineer whose main strengths lay in the field of gate crashing. During the mid 90s, Aggrey and I had specialized in gate crashing at top Kigali parties in search for free booze. We had gained ourselves the reputation of being the top Kigali gatecrashers until this fellow called Eng Cafu showed up. As for Cafu, he was a specialist at gate crashing for food. So, Aggrey and I decided to join hands with Eng Cafu. We convinced ourselves that with such a strong coalition, we would never return to our beds hungry. We had been used to drinking beers on an empty stomach. This time we were going to assure ourselves that we would not eat on empty heads. We had to strive for both. Once our pact had been formed, Aggrey, Cafu and I began to hit the streets. As we hit the streets in search for information, we took the opportunity of practicing our unique catwalk. This catwalk would not earn us the top award in modelling. No way! Instead this catwalk was to enable us con big bouncers at the Kigali top parties into allowing us in for free booze. Now, the only barrier to entry in such lavish parties was none other than Cafu’s pace at learning how to imitate American investors. That is why we ended up at the nearest pharmacy where we bought ourselves some rolls of cotton wool which we used to stuff up Cafu’s nostrils. It was like Eng Cafu suffered from chronic flu. This enabled him to speak in an accent that was acceptable to us. Our first mission together was at a top birthday party in and around Kiyovu of the rich. This was the place to be! Our sources had reliably informed us that there would be plenty of Heineken bottles plus several cans of Carlsberg beers. As for Eng Cafu, his target was those trays of brochettes and pork. So the three Kigali Musketeers dressed up in the expensive tuxedos. As usual, we marched onwards to the gate in a style that suggested we were not from Rwanda. We walked with our left shoulder raised at an angle of 45 degrees. Then as we walked, we moved our legs as if we were kicking the air. This is how we approached the bouncers amidst the joyous crowd who were already enjoying the music and booze. The bouncers gave us a look that suggested to us that we were not welcome at all! However we were on an unstoppable mission and that is why Aggrey decided to speak. He twisted his tongue and produced an American accent. He informed the bouncers that he was from Hawaii on a special visit to assess the investment climate in Rwanda. He then introduced Cafu and me as his partners. The bouncers however insisted on invitation cards. Before Aggrey and I could find an excuse, Eng Cafu quickly chipped in. He had already stuffed some cotton wool up his nostrils so that his accent sounded like a mixture of Chinese and Arabic. He bubbled on and on until the bouncers gave in. We then dashed in like released prisoners leaving the cells. The garden was so vast! The place was crowded with some patrons dancing while others sat in groups to hold conversations. A top class restaurant had been hired to serve food and drinks. In all three corners, there were long tables with all tribes of drinks and all clans of food. It was a buffet arrangement. As usual, Aggrey and I dashed for the drinks first. As for Eng Cafu, he grabbed a huge plate and proceeded to heap it with the food. By the time he was through, his plate was balancing at a precarious position with the stew spilling from all sides. By the time he joined us at our table, the soup had poured all over his trousers. This prompted Aggrey into teasing Eng Cafu; “Did you urinate in your pants?” Now, the party was beginning to warm up! We were really enjoying ourselves until a spy came to check on us. His task was to weed out any gate crashers. He pretended to be a guest and that is why we welcomed him warmly to join us at our table. We started off by discussing general issues ranging from the economy to sports. At this stage, Eng Cafu was munching his nosh and talking at the top of his head. He was visibly excited to have chewed all that food. This spy then calmly asked Eng Cafu whether he was enjoying the party; “So, how do you find the food? Is it sweet?” Yes, yes it is very delicious indeed. At that moment, the spy flashed out his ID. “Tell me now, who invited you here?” he barked. Oops, you could hear Eng Cafu swallow a huge chunk of meat as he absorbed the question. We all knew what the consequences could be. The spy barked his question again and in the process attracted a small crowd of onlookers. Suddenly, Eng Cafu showed us his true colours. Instead of talking, he started blinking his eyes vigorously. He then started pointing fingers towards the host of the party. He continued using his body language to communicate. That is when it dawned on us that Eng Cafu was playing tricks. He was pretending to be dumb and deaf! And with the use of gestures he was trying to convince the spy that he had been invited by the host himself! The spy was shocked. “How can you become dumb when you were talking a few minutes ago?” Then the spy turned on to us. We had no choice but to copy and paste. So we also decided to become dumb and deaf! We refused to utter any word. When the host arrived, he decided to pardon us by not pressing charges. We were given our marching orders and off we disappeared into the night… diaspoman@yahoo.com