So the Soccer season is back!!! Housewives are now cursing why the hell this mad season of soccer is back to take their husbands are way. It’s not the best of time. They dread this time of year in particular.
The time when men run away from their homes, forget to spend some time with the children and opt to replace their refreshingly, steamy and sumptuous home-cooked meals with Brochette and beer instead of a tasty cup of tea.
Reason: They are out watching 20 men chasing a round-rubber object filled with air, with the 23rd man charged with the task of running behind the 20 supervising them to ensure that they do the chasing in a proper and orderly manner.
He also ensures that out of the 20 (I say 20 because the other two don’t chase it, they catch it), the lucky few manage to push the ball past the line into the net while the unlucky are grabbed or ruled offside.
That’s the game of soccer in short.
What annoys me and of course the housewives, while this entire hullabaloo is going on, the husbands will be comfortably seated somewhere in the bar whining and sulking at every failed attempt while they will giggle and gyrate like they are possessed by demons at every successful attempt to score.
You don’t expect your spouse to buy this whole idea of soccer watched on TV, at least if it was live in the stadium, one would give it a benefit of the doubt. But how come when Amavubi is playing you don’t bother to go to the stadium?They ask.
Maybe you are out with other women? Another accusation comes in. Of course you don’t expect your wife back home to let you go out there only to return at 2pm when she is shivering in bed, all in the name of watching Arsenal, Barcelona, Manchester United, Liverpool, name them, play in the Champions League. No way!!!
Here is a scene: You wake up on a Saturday morning, brush your teeth and you see your kids dozing while watching Rwanda Television.
You tell them, smiling “Don’t worry I will get you Star TV my sweeties (Well knowing that it has no soccer channels). Off you go to work half day.
While you were away, your woman, since she also works, walks into Tele 10, pays for a DSTV package, installs it and by the time you comeback from work you find Kids watching Cartoon Network.
Your efforts to inquire are met with “Honey don’t you think this time you will be watching soccer from home?”
Time check: 1:30 Arsenal Vs Man Utd Kick off. How do you get out off such a situation?
So here are some excuses for the boys who intend to stay out, against all odds, to catch a game on TV and maybe you can just get away with it.
Excuse 1: Honey, you see, the Doctor said watching soccer from home endangers my health. You know am diabetic and my sugar levels tend to go up when I watch from home.
It’s recommended that I watch from a noisy place but if we can make the sitting room noisy then I can watch from here.
Then you turn the volume of the stereo and the TV at the same time to maximum, walk to the bedroom and get that huge “Vuvuzela” (You know that South African trumpet which make irritating noise?), blow into it once and she will tell you “Darling it ok you can go and watch from out”.
You walk out smiling, then with a grin saying “Though I would have wished to watch from here”.
Excuse 2: By the way Honey, Do you mind if I call a few of my friend to watch from here? She answers “No worries my Darling”. So you comfortably get the remote, sink in the sofa and tune on Supersport 3.
Curiously she will ask “How many are they…?”
You hesitantly answer “aaah, they are not many, about 20 boys. One works with BRALIRWA and he is coming over with a truck of Primus.
We intend to Guma Guma a little bit as we watch the next 7 games” You again lean back freely listening to the Flamboyant Thomas Mlambo doing pre-match analysis.
Tip: Don’t try to be impatient
Sensing a nasty scene of bottles littered all over and men smelling the foul smell of beer, she will then look at you and say “Honey, that sounds like a big party, cant you find a bigger place than our living room?”
You again hesitantly answer “Maybe but this could have been ideal”, meanwhile as you make a fake phone call to Robert to abruptly find a new venue.
Tip: Make sure your phone is in silence mode because it could blare out that “Bread and Butter” ring tone as Robert will be calling to know where you will catch the game, yet you claimed to be talking to him earlier.
….To be continued