I had never really known how powerful booze can be until I met this uncalled for fiasco! YES! In my usual hunt for a bride, I came across a real guzzler of a lady! I mean this lady can tank booze like there is no tomorrow – the only unfortunate side of it was her strange behavior when she began to feel tipsy! When the alcohol levels started rising from her digestive system up to her head, my little miss dynamite started to send out serious wails as she went down a narrow memory lane. As you already know by now, I have been under so much pressure from the elders in the village. They want me to find someone who I can comfortably call the Mother of my kids. I have visited several places including churches. You may recall one story that I gave you a few years ago. It was a story about this nice looking chick that I happened to hook from one of the many born again churches. She was the right person for me. For the 1 week that I was courting her, I had to sacrifice my favorite flask of beers. I had to change to real flasks of African tea. I also had to visit church more regularly in order to win her heart. This went on for a week until one Sunday morning when I saw the light. Yes, on that fateful Sunday, I went to church where I sat next to my number one. She gave me a nice smile and then we proceeded to praise the lord in songs and in form of dancing. All was going well until the pastor asked the congregation to wave hands towards the heavens. Before I could raise my hands, my new chick lifted her arm at a 90 degree angle. It was at this moment that a certain strong smell emanated from her armpit towards my nostril. I swear that smell was so strong that it knocked me out flat. It was what some scientists would term as; pungent! The smell hit me like a rocket and I landed on the ground. At this moment, fellow Christians rushed to me, laying hands on me. They were praying hard so that the demons could jump out. How I wish that they knew what had actually hit me was not the Holy Spirit. It was the armpit of my wife to be that had knocked me out. So, I just abandoned that girl and started searching again. Anyways back to the present. My bride hunt recently took me to UNILAK. It was actually Aggrey that fixed this date for me. It happened to be a sister of a cousin of the Auntie of Aggrey’s girlfriend’s niece. Phew! So was I supposed to be Aggrey’s in-law or something? Okay, I kicked off my mission to UNILAK to find my new catch. She too had already been briefed accordingly. I hear that she had also been told that the Diaspoman was loaded with many tribes of cash. The truth of the matter of course is that I was as poor as a real church mouse. That is why I had to go to my newfound in-law by the names of Aggrey himself. I went to him so that he could loan me with a few bucks to enable me please my new catch. Aggrey dished out 50k and off I hit the road. Sure enough my UNILAK chick was waiting for me. We then drove off to a new hot spot here in Kigali . I do not remember the name of this spot because I think the Mitzigs that I drank erased my memories. But although my memories were erased, there was one main memory that is still stuck in my head. That memory relates to how my UNILAK chick behaved herself at this hot spot. She behaved in a manner that left onlookers very amused. You see, when we settled in, I pulled out the 50k and handed it over to the barman. I told him to keep the money until we were through with our drinks. I told him that after we had drunk to our fill, he would return any balance – if any. I then started clobbering bottle after bottle as my new catch also crushed Heineken after Heineken. Halfway through our drinking journey, my already drunk chick warned me that whenever she took beers, she tended to remember all of her ex-boyfriends. That she also remembered the heartbreak that her ex-boyfriends caused her. Oops, I had to be on my guard. I told her that it was time to go home but she refused. She wanted more rounds of drinks. Deep inside, I was getting scared! What if she remembersher ex-boyfriends? What if she recalls how heartbroken she got? What if she starts to cry? As I was still thinking of an exit strategy, my future bride released a very loud sound which caused panic at the place. The sound she was releasing was a mixture of screams, coughing,sneezing and wailing. “Oh, John! Oh, David, Oh Robert! Oh, Fred! Why did you forsake me? Am I that ugly? Really? Why why why…” Amidst all this craziness, I sneaked out and disappeared into the night, leaving behind my new chick plus my balance. diaspoman@yahoo.com
