HUMOUR: Bird Hunter liberates himself from the grip of tyrannical birds

Bird Hunter liberates himself from the grip of tyrannical birdsHello people, I am home, safe and dry! I was actually home in time to celebrate Liberation Day.

Bird Hunter liberates himself from the grip of tyrannical birds
Hello people, I am home, safe and dry! I was actually home in time to celebrate Liberation Day. By the way, did you all see what I saw at the stadium during the celebrations? I am not talking about the RDF and police parade, d%*n it! I am talking about the birds that were in the parade!

I especially liked Afande Maria’s idea of parading an entire kikundi of police birds. But then, that is a story for another day.

For today, let me narrate to you how I managed to survive imminent death at the hands of two very jealous, mad and angry birds and pass by suspicious Nigerian airport security and be able to be here narrating the story to you today.

My exit was similar to that of the late Tajudeen who was allegedly sneaked out of his own country and out of reach of comrade bird hunter Abacha by Ugandan officials who have since then been referring to themselves as ‘commandos’ as a result. But my escape was different from that of the late Pan Africanist because while he was aided to escape the country, I successfully aided myself.

If you read me last Sunday, I was in a ‘from the frying-pan-into-the-fire’ situation when after escaping from imminent bottle detention by the General’s daughter as a punishment for being a mapepe , I ended up being caught in a crossfire of words (and fists) between the General’s daughter and Genevieve Utaka alias Maimuna Abacha. As I narrated to you last Sunday, when I thought I had successfully escaped the General’s daughter, I thought it was a good idea to call Genevieve and announce my ‘arrival’ into the country.

I went and waited for her to come and pick me from a club near where I had called from. But then little did I know that as a General’s daughter, she of the bottle mabusu had a network of intelligence guys at her service.

That is how she managed to track me down to the club as I waited for the bird that was my reason of coming to Nigeria in the first place.

Things became elephant when, as I had successfully managed to talk back into the tender part of her heart by telling her that I was allergic to bottle detention, giving that as the main reason for my escape, in came Genevieve who spotted me immediately because I had described myself to her; what I was wearing, the shape of my head, etc, etc

They say that two bulls cannot live in one kraal but then whoever said that had never seen two birds vying over one man because the scenario is utterly explosive. That is the situation that ensued when Genevieve entered into the scene.

Each of them demanded to know who the hell the other was, and they were doing so by almost gorging each other’s eyes out as they pointed at each other, owing to the length of their fingernails. I was totally at a loss for words and could only look into space with a blank mind.

As a foreigner in this land, I understood that this situation had the potential of going out of hand and turning nasty for me, especially if the police boys came into the picture to try and ‘restore law and order.’

The thought of this set my mind racing and I started putting in place an exit plan out of the situation. The opportunity presented itself when the General’s daughter decided to pounce on her opposite number and started pulling her hair.

People who had been all along enjoying the verbal exchanges from afar decided to jump in and separate the two, lest the police came in and ordered the club closed.

During that melee is when I made a hasty exit without being noticed and while outside, I hailed down a cab and ordered it to head straight to the airport.

Luckily enough, it looked like the cabbies of Nigeria are used to people making hasty getaways and therefore don’t ask many questions until they deliver the client to their destinations.

That is how I managed to be at the airport where I headed straight to the transit lounge to wait for my flight which wasn’t due until the next day.

It wasn’t easy trying to feign confidence in order to avoid suspicious looks of airport security that are always on the lookout for possible prey for extortion.

I hardly slept a wink that night because I feared that the General’s daughter would use the influence of her father to block my exit any time. But then this did not happen as I caught my flight at midday and sighed with big relief when I landed in the land of 1k hills.

I wish I would know what transpired after my departure from the Lagos club. I am happy to be back safe but that was a real close shave. Catch you next week.