It is the 21st century. And yet most of us are still so sexist that when someone says the word gold-digger, we only think of a woman. A woman who is indecent both in morals and in dressing. A woman with no work ethic, ‘parasiting’ on a middle-aged man.
In our sexism, we completely ignore the ever-growing number of male gold-diggers in our society. I think it’s unfair to them.
So in the spirit of humanity and equality, I am here to give the male gold-diggers, this marginalized group of people some simple rules to follow.
The first rule is to always remember that no one is judging you. Okay I’m lying. We are judging you. Like I said, 21st century people are still sexist and so they are always much less forgiving of male parasites.
But don’t mind them. You know why? These are hard times. You gotta do what you gotta do to put food in your stomach, right?
However, let me personally state that when I am not judging, I make time to admire your confidence and tact. Because let me tell you most women do not like to give money to men with whom they intend to or already have romantic relationships. It messes with nature or something.
So anyone who can work up the courage to ask for money from a woman and further still get her to give it to him without deeming him as an unfit mate ought to be admired and applauded. In fact I think you should put it in your résumé if you ever decide to stop being a wuss and find work.
Anyway, if she does give you money, you need to know that at the back of her mind it is a temporary thing. She expects to see you step up and ‘be a man.’ That is the second rule.
Knowing the second rule helps you to know how to execute the third rule which is that you should stock up for the day she will finally dump you for a ‘real man’. Because believe me, the day is coming when she will grow weary of your parasiting.
Fake family emergencies that require a lot of cash. Have your friends pause as money-lenders threatening to kill you if you don’t pay. Come up with investment plans that look really good and keep asking for more and more money to invest. Fake a family death if possible. You get the picture.
And finally the most important rule. Now look here. The moment you turn into a gold-digger, you give up your patriarchal rights. So then please spare us the male ego. Let it be far removed from your mind to demand respect by making statements like “I am a man!”
I’ll also give you one extra rule because I’m kind and I’m also supportive of your lifestyle. You don’t have much else to offer. Work on your looks and your charm. Work on your intelligence if that’s possible. You’re welcome.