Confronting dishonesty, hard but worth it

Being in a relationship with a lying spouse is not fun at all. You may let the first suspicions go but with time, you can no longer contend with the lies. The final step is always confrontation though it has never been simple.

Being in a relationship with a lying spouse is not fun at all. You may let the first suspicions go but with time, you can no longer contend with the lies. The final step is always confrontation though it has never been simple.

While lying mainly rotates  around cheating, couples lie about a number of things which are usually underestimated most times. Partners often lie about their financial status, past or health conditions.

When it comes to what couples lie about, the list is endless hence the urgent need for confrontation.

Before you confront your partner about their lying ways there are a number of things to consider.Will confrontation make matters worse?

Will it help you discover the dark side of your spouse? All confrontation should be leading to reconciliation and making things right.

Miriam Muduwa and Emma Okella had been happily married for three years. Everything seemed perfect until one Sunday Morning.

Muduwa discovered that her beloved husband had kids outside their marriage. The discovery made Muduwa dead scared about any other possible lies.

“I started picturing the next lie I would discover,” says Muduwa.
To any logical person, the first thing to cross their mind would be quitting though Muduwa stood to differ.

 “The magic of getting over a lie is talking about it in details,” advises Muduwa.

Discussing a lie with a partner provides knowledge about what exactly went wrong. He might have lied but when it’s your aggressiveness that fueled it.

 Discussing dishonesty in a calm, rational manner is effective in resolving the situation. The guilty party should be able to hear you out without feeling like you are attacking them.

 And the best way to achieve this is by calming down. Make sure that you’re not mad anymore about the situation you’re about to resolved. Take the discussion you’re about to have more as a friendly conversation than a confrontation.

Approaching the discussion as a confrontation usually results in a competitive mindset; causing a partner to react defensively. Your partner might set a, counter attack or even become hostile as denial.

Again, when you confront your spouse, focus on your feelings, not their mistake. Avoid questions like; Did sleeping around satisfy you? Why did you lie about kids? Instead, express how you are hurt by the indecent behavior and show them that everything can be resolved.

For instance, “It hurts me that you cheated on me but I believe it wasn’t intentional or I know it was hard for you to confess that you have kids but it will be fine.”

“Resolving issues positively gives your spouse the confidence that you believe in them hence changing. Even when he/she intentionally offended you, redoing it is never an option because of the trust you have shown,” says Solange Ingabire, a married woman and mother of one

On the contrary, heated confrontations lead to a defensive reaction, which only gets in the way of genuine understanding and a resolution of the problem.

Instead of focusing on your partner’s use of deception, try to phrase the problem in the least judgmental way possible. Start such conversations simply; for example, “There is something I discovered lately but it’s upsetting to me.”

Discussing your partner’s underlying behavior tentatively, in a least judgmental way grants the best chance to be heard. which is the ultimate goal.

While there are cases where people find it necessary to openly address the problem Grace Musungu thinks otherwise. On discovering that his girlfriend was sleeping around, the ultimate to get back at her was cheating as well. However,’ an eye for an eye’ made things worse for him. They both got badly hurt and emotionally wounded.

 Fighting back with a worse act does not solve the matter instead it will make the two of you become the greatest enemies. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

And to people who are scared of talking about it, signs can get him/her confess. On realizing deception, try your best to be at your utmost behavior. Love them unconditionally and do the best for them.

“Being good to a deceptive spouse will make them guilty. They will feel undeserving to have you,” says Ingabire. And when he feels like you are too good to be true, he/she will definitely fear losing you and he/she will confess.

To crown it all, communication should always come first. Without communication you will lead separate ways which is not healthy for a relationship.

Always seize the best moments, ones when you are happy both in the best of your moods.

laura2jos@yahoo.com