Tekashi Sixnine has taken a plea deal and is now in court snitching on the homies, leading to a rash of memes and internet gags. What is this that is going on? You want to know so you turn to me, the least reliable pop culture commentator in Africa for a simple explanation. I’ll try my best. Here we go. First of all, what is a Tekashi six nine? It is a rapper. A number of albums, EPs and mixtapes have been produced by this rapper to significant levels of success over the years. Are they any good? Is he a good rapper? I can’t tell you because I am currently enjoying music from Meddy and The Ben and I don’t want to risk sullying my ears’ peace with something that sounds bad, so I asked my research department to take on the task of examining Tekashi 6nine’s music with a view to releasing an assessment I can then convey to you. Their report was conclusive: They don’t know. They don’t listen to his music either. The reason they gave was, “It’s bad enough that we have to look at him. Now you want us to listen to him as well? Fam!” He is very difficult to look at, this boy. He has about twenty thousand rainbows in his hair -- and not in a cute or sassy way. He makes the colour pink look menacing and cruel. Plus it is hard to actually see his face because there are tattoos all over it. To the extent that I believe it was an accident. He was driving while texting, which you should never do because it causes accidents. Which is why he collided with a truck carrying factory-damaged tattoos from the tattoo factory to the garbage dump and the truck burst open from the impact and spilled its cargo all over Tekashi Sixty9. Poor fellow. But we can rely on less sensitive witnesses to give us the gist of his music’s content, if not its quality. He raps about drug-dealing, murder and criminal gang activity. A rule of thumb about rap music: Those who rap about crime do not actually commit it. They just say so because they think it makes them look tough. Like Rick Ross, for example. We all know Rick Ross just used to read the files of the convicts while he was a prison guard and that is what he uses as material for his raps. Actual drug dealers, murderers and racketeers prefer not to have two million copies of detailed confessions out in circulation. That is why I am so sure I know a few drug dealers: Because none of my friends ever brag about cooking crack in ‘da hood’, slangin dope et cetera. which is typical drug dealer behaviour. But Tekashi LXIX is different. He is a delinquent young man, currently 26 years of age, but dragging behind him like a slime trail of bad decisions several years long. He has been in jail for dealing narcotics, assaults, sexual misbehaviour and lots of other things associated with criminal gang life. It turns out that unlike other gangsta rappers, this dude actually is a gangsta. Not a very good one though because he was caught, arrested, put in jail, offered a deal and he proceeded to report on his fellow gangstas. He agreed to testify against the other gang members so that his rainbows and facetats don’t end up being a victim for 47 years in jail. I am not sure whether this is actual gangsta dogma or just part of the fiction perpetuated by the rappers, but there is a thing called the G-Code, which precludes snitching. Tekashi is in violation of that one. I am very disappointed in the young man. Frankly, when I first saw the rainbow hair and rainbow teeth (yes, he colours his teeth as well) I assumed this was a cheery, playful, teenybop fun-times kid making songs about unicorns and ice-cream and friendship and fluffy toys. But on the other hand, I do believe you need strong survival instincts to be a drug-dealer. And that means when your back is against the wall, you make the wise choice to comply with investigations to reduce harm to yourself. So snitching is really the smartest thing you can do when your bad decisions catch up with you. So it’s good news. The boy will help reduce crime with his testimony, and maybe when his own reduced sentence ends and he returns to music, he will make something we can listen to. Let’s look forward to Fluffy Ice Cream Unicorn by Tekashi S6xnine coming in a few years.
