Adele, who goes by one name so you know she is a singer, has long been synonymous with singlehood. Hit album after hit album of hymns of heartbreak. Love lost, love unrequited, love tossed away as if it were an empty paper bag after the chips are finished, that’s Adele’s theme. So the news of her divorce came to us, the devotees of the songs from the albums 19, 21 and 25 were like, “What is this? What? She was married?” Let me explain. First of all, for the sake of those among you who are lucky enough to have dearly devoted partners, spouses, companions and even functional friends with benefits arrangements, let me tell you who Adele is. She is a British musician who was not as fortunate at this romance thing as you and your bae are. But she was very gifted at the art of singing. She has a voice like sunlight. Oh Adele, when you sing it makes me feel like life isn’t so hollow. It makes me feel as if being an empty bag after the chips are finished isn’t so bad after all. It makes me feel as if being rejected and alone isn’t completely worthless because at least it means I can understand you better than those people with their happy marriages and their fulfilling relationships. Jokes on them! She won Grammys, fans, a legacy and a place in history for the series of songs about how it feels to be unwanted by the one you want. And we loved her for it. Her last album came out in 2015. Years ago. In the meantime, we shall presume that some of us had a change in fortune; Lilliane called back and said she had not been ignoring your texts -- it’s just that her phone fell into a latrine while she was out in the village and she is so bad at memorising numbers, but hey, how have you been? Would you like to meet and hang out? What? You’re so silly. Hah hah! I have missed you and your crazy jokes. No, I’m not doing anything tomorrow evening. Sure, I’d love to have a drink… and so on so forth. As for the rest of us, well, there is the replay button. So it comes as a shock in the signal when you hear that she is getting divorced after three years because this means that for three years she was married. This means that she found a person, fell in love, opted to forsake all others and take this man to be her one and only and tied the knot with him. The poet laureate of loneliness was married! It’s like finding out that your doctor has a sinus infection. We didn’t know how to react to this. First of all, gladness that she had found someone and was no longer like us wretched losers? Then sadness that it was over and she had to divorce the guy? Then the anticipation of a new album and fresh material from that voice, that voice, that celestial voice? Then guilt when you realise that you are kind of happy that someone’s marriage is over? What kind of monster are you? But don’t worry. You can divest yourself of that guilt. Because Adele is not alone and in despair. She is already in what looks like a promising new romance. Adele has been seeing a lot of UK grime artiste (that’s British rapper) Skepta and they seem kind of cuddly and wuvvy-dovey, enough to set fire to the rain of gossip. A bit about Skepta. He is 37, a legend in UK Grime circles and is really good. You should make a point, after reading this paper, to go look for some Skepta music. Mandem is well dope, as they say. So Adele’s new album, we have been teased, features a bit of Beyoncé on it (get excited) and could feature a bit of Skepta as well now (get more excited) and dare we imagine Skepta and Jay-Z on a record together? Is that too much to ask? Should we give up? Or should we keep chasing pavements?
