Neymar’s mum is dating the cook’s ex-boyfriend. Wait, what? Let me explain. Neymar, also known as Neymar Jr, but apparently not known by any of his several other names (Neymar da Silva Santos Júnior is the whole driving permit) is the world’s most expensive football player, earning 41 whole million dollars a year for his kicking skills. He is rich, therefore, and since he is a good son, so is his mum. What? You think he is going to leave her in the ghetto? He is not Eminem. Mama Neymar, also known as Nadine Goncalves, and her husband Neymar Sr split up a few years ago. You know these things: sometimes love just ain’t enough. Sometimes, you have to just accept that this isn’t working and go your separate ways. They were married for 25 years, but now the kids were grown up and independent, it was time to let go. You know what it’s like. Don’t say, “Yeah, I can imagine” when your spouse is nearby, watching you read this article. Nadine, now 52, is free to live her best life as a single, rich, Brazilian diva, and so we should not have been surprised that she recently posted an Instagram photo of herself with a young model, Tiago Ramos, and announced that this is bae. The model, now boyfriend, now potentially Neymar’s stepdad, if the amount of love expressed in that Instagram caption is any indication of who is going to rush helter skelter to a middle-aged marriage mistake, is 22 years old, six years younger than Neymar himself if you are counting, but really, why should we? Neymar’s dad, Neymar Sr, is also rich, middle-aged and single, and even though I have sent all my research assistants out in pursuit of the investigation, I have still not heard a single word of scandal about his love life. If this man is dating a 22-year-old model, no one will bat an eyelid. And if he is not, that is where the scandal will be. He is a middle-aged man who is recently divorced after 25 years. If he is not running rampant with models half his age, what is he waiting for? A starting whistle? We expect him to do this. So why is it a big deal when Mama Neymar does it? I put it to you that it is not a big deal. That Mama Neymar got game, she shot her shot, she is scoring and we should not hate the player, if I may exhaust all the sports idioms I have in my keyboard into one paragraph. Neymar himself is not put out by this: He has expressed coolness with the relationship via the official protocol of liking the Instagram post and the comment, “Be happy mum. I love you.” In Portuguese, moreover, so you know it is valid. For his part, Ramos is a big Neymar fan and is very pleased. If anything is a scandal, it is this small, petty, really small and very petty detail: the fact that Tiago Ramos previously dated Neymar’s cook. Before he found love, he in his beloved Nadine’s arms, Ramos dated one Mauro, Neymar’s cook. So one weekend Mama Neymar will come to her son’s house. Her bae will come with her, since they are all friends. They will probably stay in her suite in the guest wing of the enormous Neymar mansion. On Sunday of that weekend, they will ring for breakfast in bed. And Mauro, the cook, will have to serve food to his boss’ mum AND his ex. Awwwkwarrrd.
