Nadia’s last relationship ended a few weeks ago, she and the boyfriend had been dating for close to two years when they eventually got engaged. She recalls their relationship being in a good place until her ex-boyfriend brought up the topic of marriage. Things immediately started falling apart as soon as he proposed to me. I guess I ran into panic mode. We started having constant arguments which later led to our break-up, she says. Though she says she is not against the idea of marriage, Nadia admits to having a profound fear of starting a family. For some, getting married can be a dream come true yet for others it is the total opposite. People with a fear of marriage can be in a long term relationship and the minute the relationship starts heading towards marriage, they want to run for the hills. Experts term this condition as gamophobia. According to them, this type of fear causes an overwhelming and irrational fear of marriage or commitment. According to Jane Biira, a counsellor, people who have gamophobia can have full-blown panic attacks at the thought of marriage or commitment. She explains that whereas most people tend to get ‘cold feet’ about marriage, most get past this uncertainty, but the situation is different for those who have gamophobia; for them, it’s more than just reluctance—it’s a paralysing fear. Innocent Kabera, a counsellor as well, says sometimes they receive clients who swear to never marry in life and they later find out that many of them have a problem of self-esteem. Self-esteem affects people in different ways, he explains. “Another way this affects us is when we do not love ourselves, we all know that you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself. Those who don’t love themselves or who feel unworthy are not able to accept that someone else can accept them, others are afraid of responsibilities,” he says. Kabera also notes that happiness anxiety can be another cause of this fear. He explains that some people have grown up programmed that suffering is the symptom of happy endings, or that when someone is happy, it’s because there’s something wrong going to happen. “They get most of these beliefs from their parents/guardians. Those who have grown up in unhappy families are afraid that they might be happier than their parents and that their parents won’t be happy for them. It can also be caused by depression; you might have been disappointed by your first partner or that your parents have lived in an unhappy marriage and fearing that it might happen to you too.” Therapist Lori Gottlieb says that whether it’s with marriage or something else, it’s easier to devalue something we might not get than to acknowledge that we might want it. “I wouldn’t want a house that big,” someone might say when driving by a gorgeous home, when in fact the person would love to live there but feels she’ll never be able to afford it. “That guy’s not my type,” a person might say of a guy she’s attracted to but feels she can’t have. Likewise, “I wouldn’t want to be the boss, it’s too stressful,” feels better than, “I don’t think I’m good enough for that job.” She notes that of course, many people find marriage highly appealing, or nobody in a free society would choose it. Most marriages are neither rom-com fantasy nor celebrity disaster, but something in the comfortable middle. “If you don’t address your underlying terror, you won’t get close enough with anyone to consider the prospect of marriage. And if you don’t get close enough, you will never be able to make a clear-eyed decision about whether or not marriage is something you want. None of us can love and be loved without the possibility of loss, but there is a difference between knowledge and terror.” Dealing with gamophobia There are different ways of overcoming this form of anxiety. Kabera says better solutions exist but these must be discovered, must be learned and practiced. If it’s the issue with how one grew up, he recommends evaluating one’s perception towards marriage. “You should ask yourself, does my self-concept permit it? Does my view of the universe permit it? Does my childhood programming permit it? Does my life scenario permit it? If the answer is negative, it is important to try to solve those problems by engaging in different practices that help you reprogram your mind set like therapies, meditation, and yoga.” For those whom happiness triggers anxiety and disorientation, Kabera says it’s important to learn how to live in the moment and worry less about the future. “At times we must learn how to do nothing—that is to breath into our feelings, to allow them be, to watch our own process, to accept the depths of our own experience while at the same time being a conscious witness to them and not be manipulated into behaving self-destructively. With time, we can build a tolerance for happiness; we can increase our ability to handle joy without panicking. This way, we discover that happiness is our birth right and that a new way of being is possible,” he adds. For those struggling with this kind of fear, the counsellor also recommends loving yourselves first for this will allow others to love you back.
