Cardi Concert cancelled due to mysterious threat, say authorities

Let’s begin by laying out the who. In this case Cardi B.

Real name Belcalis Marlenis Almánzar, Cardi is not, as you would suspect, a heart surgeon or cardiac health specialist. You would suspect the next possible option would be heartthrob but we would warn against that.

She notoriously confessed to having brought those in lust, if not love with her, to a poor end.

While working as a stripper in the past she said, she would lure men into secluded places with the promise of sex, then drug their drinks, steal their valuables and vamos.

I don’t know if being unwittingly tranquilized is good for the heart.

She is now a rapper. Very popular, very successful, very much admired for hits such as Bodak Yellow, I Like It and Press which center around themes such as her money, how appealing she is sexually, how easily she could convince your husband or boyfriend to cheat on you with her and specifically, on occasion, how expensive her taste in shoes is.

Her financial and sexual superiority over other women is not just a recurring topic of her music, there are events when it spills out into real life.

For example, at a fashion show in New York last year an altercation ensued between her and fellow rapper Nicki Minaj. Cardi threw one of her shoes at Nicki. Investigations hit a dead end before we could discover whether it hit her and if so, where.

Nicki is short, but has a wide bum. That bum would be an easy target. Throwing a shoe at it would be akin to kicking her butt from a distance.

Now, the two rappers have since decided to let go of old quarrels but their fans, as fans tend to be in this age of extreme social media outrage, extremely outraged up until now.

The fans of Minaj and the fans of Cardi still throw barbs (pause for applause as the pun sinks in. What? You don’t get it? Barbs. Nicki Minaj calls herself Black Barbie, and her fans are known as Barbs with a z. Hence the intention of the pun).

So Cardi B was booked to perform in a city called Indianapolis (which is not in India; my world geography intern just informed me that it is somewhere in America.) but had to cancel the show abruptly when threats were issued against her.

Threats against rappers should be taken seriously. It is a dangerous occupation to be in. Black lives matter, but whoever is out there shooting rappers doesn’t know this.

So until the threat is neutralised, or the evil plan to peel a cap in B is foiled, or whoever straight finna put in work is rendered harmless.

We don’t know where the threat is from. Is it an incensed Barb who wants to throw shoes back at Cardi B in Indianapolis? Does said Barb have a contraption of some sort that comes with enough firepower to project the shoe from a distance? Because one can’t just throw it from the audience. Cardi Concert crowds are too large. One needs some sort of shoe cannon to propel the missile. Plus some targeting mechanism to ensure the shot doesn’t fall wide.

Or could it be one of the marks she robbed in her stripper days who wants his money back? Maybe some hapless dude, maybe named Cody, which is a firm American name, wakes up from a stupor in a ditch outside the strip club and can’t find his watch, wallet or iphone. Last thing he remembers was the stripper offering him a drink and some sex.

He is hit by a wave of fear and guilt. Were they robbed? Did someone come in and knock them out and take their valuables? Where is the stripper? Is she alright? Did the robber kidnap her? Is this all his fault?