Why you should never call her a Congolian during lovemaking

The bedroom is a warzone. It is where you do everything you want to do except murder, literally, that is. The bedroom rollercoaster can start with a dance, which is the vertical expression of horizontal desires, according to Irish writer Bernard Shaw and some romance novelists I can’t remember.By the time you get to the horizontal bit, you will have given up on your brain, since you have to only say nice things. You have to compliment size, beauty, skin smoothness, etc. You also have to use superlatives that from outside the bedroom one would think do not exist; one would think superlatives are among the items Jesus left with when he retired from his earthly provocations.So we moan about heaven, honey, dicklomat and many others. But woe unto you who will have read too much into the Ban Ki-moon speech. However much the tongue slips, it cannot say “Oh Margie” when the person pulling the trigger in bed is Doreen. Never. Just never call your partner by another woman’s name.Ban, that UN chief – I have always wondered why the words ‘chief’ and ‘thief’ rhyme so perfectly, but that’s for another day – came to Goma in DR Congo and addressed the people of the war-torn country as “Congolians”. I want to believe my sources heard it wrong, but since no UN official has denied it, I shall go with Congolians.So let’s define ‘Congolians’. To Ban, Congolians are the people from DR Congo. To Dark Knight, Congolians are a bunch of ruffians who go to London and pile their body mass to protest against another country’s president.Remember, this column is not a church pew. We don’t use words like “Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing”. Those phrases also went with Jesus along with the superlatives I was talking about.The Congolese might have said “the man looks like Jet Li and he speaks with his nose”. They thought it was just accent. And those who caught on the Congolian gaffe were quick to forgive – the most natural thing for such a blunder. But don’t even think the same of a woman.The pride of a woman is in your knowing her from anther to the stigma. Just be thorough. Know where she has a spot on the back, upper thighs and all that. In the bedroom, these details, however small, are like what a soldier at the frontline fancies. He wants to have a functional trigger, enough bullets to last the rounds in the chamber (pun intended), and of course, a well-oiled muzzle – another pun there!These are more protective to a soldier than the armour or whatever African magic you can carry to the bedroom.There is only one point at which you can call her “Congolian” and she won’t notice: the point of no return. Even then, some truly experienced women, the kind native in their “country’s nomenclature and everything dialect”, will still notice that you called her Dora instead of Damalie.Unless you are Ban Ki-moon or a Mongolian, Congolese will never sound as Congolian. Don’t do something to make the music stop before the dance is complete, for there is no harmony when vertical doesn’t meet horizontal.

Lifestyle

Why you should never call her a Congolian during lovemaking