When the going gets tough, s**t happens!! Well, part of why you have not been seeing me around is because s**t happened. I know for sure that disgruntled, unsuccessful and failed bird hunters are now rejoicing for hearing this. Wait! Let me save you from an anti-climax in your careless celebrations. The truth is that nothing serious happened that could send me to retirement yet. As it is, I am still around and running strong, so you see, no cause for celebration at all. What actually happened is that bird hunting has been going rough of late. When I say it has been going tough, then you better believe me because if it gets rough for me, then you have to know that no one else stands a slim chance. But then like everything else, bird hunting also has its highs and lows. Before I tell you how things have been going in the institution of bird hunting, let me first update you about the institute of bird hunting that I told you about. The institute is for real and we are in the stages of registration and all. You know how the learned friends fraternity can be a pain in the side, when it comes to things they have never heard of, like bird hunting. They never admit they don’t know, instead they insulate their lack of knowledge in legal jargon and make you lose the case. However, I promise you that we will be there before the institute of the dreaded boys (and birds) who use their pens (and mouths) to bring real men to their knees begins. Some call them paparazzi. Just keep watching this space. As I was telling you, things went so bad that I decided to impersonate. Well, I don’t know whether I should call this impersonation but then I pretended to be what I am not, and what I have never been, just to win a bird’s heart. That is how hard things have been. It’s like Michael Jackson pretending he is Bob Marley, in order to achieve his goals. After a series of failures over the past few weeks, I decided to change tactics, even if it meant stooping low and bending my own rules. There is this very nice bird that I have been watching for some time but because of ‘the period of depression’ that I was going through, I could not make any advances. I merely kept in her shadows and watched, like a hyena. As I said, mere charms have not been working of late. Even I the professor of bird hunting have not been able to analyse and discover what has been wrong. Well, after weeks of stalking this bird, I decided to leap into the open and succeed at whatever cost. I had gathered enough ‘intelligence ‘information during my staying ‘underground.’ I had overheard her saying something about a disturbing health problem which she wanted to go and have checked but loathed hospital queuing. That is why I arranged with my friend whom I knew was crooked enough not to mind about simple lying. I told him about my plan and as I expected, he found no problem with it, especially since it involved me buying a couple of rounds while we were at it. The plan was like this; I knew that this bird liked to hang out at a place in Nyamirambo. I called my friend and we waited outside the posh joint for her to arrive. I had thoroughly studied her everything including her schedules such that we did not even wait for long before she arrived in the company of three girls. They went and sat at an open area such that we had a strategic place near their table. We pretended as if we hadn’t noticed their presence and went and sat at the table next to theirs. I pretended to be on phone talking to an imaginary patient, shouting prescription instructions and feigning seriousness. I did notice that as I was talking on phone, my target bird was paying attention. When I was through she carried on with her conversation with the rest of the group. I sat down and beckoned a bar maid for orders. But before I could make any orders, I asked her whether the Ministry of health had inspected the place for cleanliness. She answered in the affirmative and I proceeded with making my order of a soda as my friend ordered for a cold beer. As agreed, he started to ask me whether it was one of my many patients I was talking to on phone. I told him that it was one of the rich shots in town whom I had operated on the previous day and was calling to thank me because he was feeling much better. The bird across the table had forgotten all about her friends and was all ears, listening to whatever we were saying. I took the chance to give a lengthy account of how I do medical check-ups on people and find that they were just too lucky to have come to me because had they spent another week, it would have been too late. From the corner of my eye I could see the bird itching to join in our conversation but for one reason or another, could not. She was virtually restraining herself from joining our table. I knew exactly how to handle the situation. I added in another killer. I said that in most people I see on the street I know for sure that they have a health problem they are concealing which if diagnosed early enough would save their lives. Instead of her walking to our table and saying “excuse me, can I join you please,” she instead stood up and made for the ‘ladies.’ Birds!! Well, when she came back, she looked like she had something bothering her mind. She went back to her sit, but this time she exchanged with one of her friends so that she sat looking directly at us. Only this time I employed the come-and-get-it style in the book of bird hunting. I pretended to be thinking deeply, of course about ‘medical issues’ and new researches. It is then that my friend asked me, whether if he came to see me I would have time to check him without having to queue. I said it would depend on how busy I would be at the time. But I promised that I would call him and have him thoroughly checked up. “Excuse me, are you a medical doctor?” the bird had finally fallen in the trap and it was now for me to extract it and walk home with it!! She had gathered all her courage and talked to the ‘doctor.’ “Well, do I look like a witchdoctor to you,” I shot back with a package of an ‘intellectual’ smile. My smile definitely broke the ice and she went ahead and opened her heart, looking humbled by my humility, in spite of being such a ‘high profile personality’. She then started talking about how the profession must be demanding, rigorous and all. I told her that it only asked for commitment, honesty and intellect. Well before I could tell her about how I started off as a very talented gynaecologist, she had persuaded her friends to join our table. She came so close to me and the conversation now ceased to be ‘an open lecture on medicine and the medical profession’ and turned into a one-on-one class. It is then that she told me she would really like to be meeting me often so that she would feel healthy always. I told her that it would be my pleasure to make her heart happy and healthy, always. This earned me a very passionate peck on the cheek. The rest is history…….what I am sure of now is victory! Email: brdhunter6@gmail.com
