Rwanda is currently grappling with a dramatic surge in divorce rates. Legal battles are placing growing pressure on our courts, while families are fracturing at rates that would have shocked previous generations. Sociologists may point to economic pressures, digital infidelity and changing social norms. But one of Rwanda’s respected faith leaders and marriage counsellors, Rev. Dr. Antoine Rutayisire, routinely points to a much deeper truth. In his characteristically candid, humour-laced and sharp-witted sermons, Pastor Rutayisire frequently invokes a piece of traditional wisdom: “Ifuni ishyingura ingeso uyigendana ku rutugu.” Literally, it means: “The hoe that buries a habit is carried on the shoulder.” The ifuni was traditionally a tool used for digging graves. The proverb is a powerful warning that deeply rooted character flaws, ingeso or kamere mbi, do not disappear simply because circumstances change. We carry them with us. Applied to modern marriage, the proverb exposes one of our greatest illusions: the myth of the marriage cure. Too many people walk down the aisle believing that marriage will somehow transform their partner. A beautiful wedding, a good job, a new home or a ring on the finger is expected to produce a new person. But marriage has no supernatural power to rewrite character. If someone carries a hoe of chronic dishonesty, irresponsibility, faithlessness or infidelity, emotional absence, addiction or entitlement during courtship, they do not leave it at the church door. They carry it across the altar and into the bedroom. Then the honeymoon ends, ordinary life begins, and the tools come out. One partner may swing the hoe of trickery; the other, pride. One may carry emotional absence; the other, resentment. One may bring financial irresponsibility; the other, controlling behaviour. And so, two people who once promised to build a life together can gradually become opponents, each convinced that the problem is sitting on the other person's shoulder. This is where Pastor Rutayisire's message becomes particularly important. The proverb should not leave us with the fatalistic belief that people cannot change. Quite the opposite. If habits can help bury a marriage, then deliberate character work can help rescue it. But this requires us to ask an uncomfortable question: Who comes to help couples put down the hoe after the wedding? Our churches and counsellors have invested considerable effort in preparing couples for marriage. That is essential. But perhaps we have placed too much emphasis on preparing people for the wedding day, and too little on preparing them for the marriage itself. The real test begins after the photographs, the speeches and the honeymoon. Perhaps Pastor Rutayisire and other marriage counsellors should not stop at the church door once couples say, “I do.” Their summons should extend into the matrimonial home, not literally to intrude into private lives, but through structured, voluntary programmes where married couples can return for help. Why not establish marriage bootcamps, regular, practical spaces where couples can confront communication failures, financial disagreements, parenting pressures, intimacy, expectations, conflict resolution and the habits each person brought into the marriage? We have bootcamps for leadership, entrepreneurship, fitness and professional development. Why should marriage, one of the most consequential institutions in our lives, receive less continuing training? Such programmes should not be designed merely to keep couples together at any cost. Some relationships require serious intervention, and some circumstances require separation and protection. But many marriages may simply need a safe place where both people can stop pointing at the other person's shoulder and honestly ask: “What am I carrying?” That is where Agaciro and Ubupfura become more than cultural words. Dignity in marriage is not the ability to win an argument. Noble character is not what we display at the altar. It is what we practise when nobody is applauding. If we are serious about addressing our growing divorce problem, perhaps we need to expand our understanding of marriage counselling. Let us prepare ourselves before the wedding but let us also create programmes that walk with us through the marriage. Because the altar should not be the end of marriage preparation. Sometimes, it is where the real work begins. And when the marriage becomes messy, the question should not simply be: “Who is carrying the hoe?” It should be: “Who will help us put it down?” The writer is an ideator, development and alternative financing strategist.
