Psychologists, educators and child development experts said certain parenting practices may affect children's self-esteem and shape their adult life. The experts warned that insults, humiliation and parenting rooted in unresolved trauma can leave children with lifelong emotional scars, while encouragement, respectful discipline and meaningful engagement help them develop self-esteem, resilience and confidence from an early age. ALSO READ: The importance of Self-Esteem Emotional abuse leaves lasting scars Dr Jean Pierre Ndagijimana, a psychologist, said emotional abuse often goes unnoticed because many parents believe harsh words and public humiliation are effective ways of correcting children. Many people cause harm even when they act with good intentions, he said. Some parents believe that insulting a child, calling them stupid or useless, or telling them they will never become anything will scare them into changing. Unfortunately, those good intentions do not erase the damage. According to Ndagijimana, many parents unknowingly repeat the parenting styles they experienced while growing up, without recognising the long-term psychological consequences they may have on their children. ALSO READ: Our children reflect us — It’s time to step up He explained that parents are a child's first environment and play the greatest role in shaping their identity. Whatever happens to a person is stored by the brain and the body, he said. Even if someone cannot consciously remember experiences from early childhood, those experiences continue to influence behaviour, relationships, leadership, confidence and decision-making later in life. Ndagijimana noted that the first six years of life are particularly critical because the brain develops rapidly during that period. Constant criticism and humiliation can become deeply embedded in a child's identity. When a child is constantly told they are stupid or incapable, they eventually believe those labels. They stop distinguishing between who they are and what they have been told. He warned that emotional abuse can lead to low self-esteem, fear of failure, poor relationships and difficulties expressing opinions later in life. ALSO READ: Building self-esteem; what strategies do you need? The psychologist also cautioned parents against silencing children whenever visitors are present or excluding them from family conversations in the name of respect. When children are silenced for too long, they begin to believe that their opinions do not matter and that speaking is dangerous, he said, noting that such children may later struggle to contribute in classrooms, workplaces or even report abuse. Ask instead, 'What happened to you?' Ndagijimana urged parents to understand the reasons behind children's behaviour instead of reacting with anger. Instead of asking, 'What is wrong with you?' ask, 'What happened to you?' That shifts the focus from punishment to understanding. He also advised parents to correct children privately rather than humiliating them in front of others, saying discipline should teach rather than create fear. When children obey only because they fear punishment, they simply learn to hide their behaviour. The goal is to help them understand why a behaviour is wrong so they choose to do what is right even when no one is watching. Positive parenting is not permissiveness Dr Amini Ngabonziza, a lecturer of English at the University of Rwanda, echoed the concerns, saying words spoken by parents have a lasting influence because children tend to believe what their parents tell them. He said expressions such as You are foolish, You are useless, or You will never achieve anything can destroy a child's confidence and sense of worth. Research shows that children highly believe what their parents tell them. When they repeatedly hear negative words, they may grow up with low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence. They begin to feel they have no value, he said. ALSO READ: Absent parenting: The hidden toll on children's well-being Ngabonziza warned that children who experience constant verbal abuse may become withdrawn, while others develop deep anger that later manifests in aggressive behaviour and mental health challenges. He called for nationwide awareness campaigns to educate parents on positive parenting. Positive parenting, he added, should not be confused with permissiveness. Children should be corrected, but with respect. Parents must avoid words that suggest a child will never achieve to anything. Children need guidance, not condemnation, he said. Encouragement over criticism Marthe Uwimana, who has taught for 31 years at Gatsata Primary School, said many parents use hurtful language believing it will force children to abandon bad behaviour. She said although parents rarely intend to harm their children, negative words often become self-fulfilling. No parent wishes bad things for their child, but many do not realise that words have power. Instead of telling children they are lazy or will never succeed, parents should motivate them and show them how they can improve, she said. Uwimana noted that encouraging children after poor academic performance is more effective than labelling them as failures. If a child performs badly, tell them they can do better next time if they work harder. That motivates them while still correcting the mistake, she said. Healing parents to raise healthy children Psychologist Chaste Uwihoreye said effective parenting begins with parents addressing their own emotional wounds. He observed that many adults raise their children through unresolved pain resulting from difficult childhoods, personal hardships or historical trauma. The first challenge is that many parents are themselves wounded. Instead of raising children through healthy parenting, they end up raising them through their own wounds, he said. Uwihoreye said some parents justify harsh discipline by comparing children's lives with the hardships they experienced growing up, believing it's suffering that made them stronger. He warned that such approaches can damage children's confidence and expose them to emotional distress, substance abuse and other mental health challenges later in life. You cannot educate a child without first connecting with them, he said. He encouraged parents to spend time playing with their children, use a warm tone of voice when speaking to them, maintain eye contact from infancy and replace punishment with opportunities for children to correct their mistakes. For example, instead of shouting at a child who ignores visitors, parents can ask the child to go back and greet them properly, allowing the child to learn without humiliation. He also encouraged parents to negotiate reasonable limits on children's use of technology rather than relying on shouting or threats. For example, he said, if a parent finds their child watching television at an inappropriate time, instead of yelling or forcing them to stop immediately, they should agree with the child to switch it off after 20 or 30 minutes, helping them learn self-discipline through cooperation rather than fear. Families and schools share responsibility Albert Mutesa, Secretary-General of the Rwanda National Commission for UNESCO, highlighted the role of families and schools in building children's confidence from an early age. He encouraged parents to assign children age-appropriate responsibilities, such as making their bed or completing simple home chores, saying these activities help build independence and self-esteem. Mutesa also urged families to revive traditional storytelling, proverbs and conversations that encourage children to express themselves. In the past, families gathered to share stories and proverbs. Those conversations helped children learn how to speak confidently and participate in discussions, he said. He added that schools should promote debates and public speaking activities, saying they help children develop confidence, critical thinking and communication skills. Debates teach children how to stand before others, defend ideas and increase their language proficiency. These are essential life skills that strengthen self-esteem, he said.
