What does a name mean when belonging feels difficult? I have read several stories about celebrity kids who stopped using their family names, especially their fathers' names. Social media offers opinions, but we may never know the full story. Still, these stories made me think. ALSO READ: The new 21st Century names parents give children In many societies, children receive their father's family name, while the mother's name is simply left out. So, removing it later is seen as moving away from the father though few ask why the mother's name was never there to remove. ALSO READ: Absent parenting: The hidden toll on children's well-being This took me back to the late 1980s, when naming a child was a community celebration. A new baby had no official name for eight days or longer, until relatives and neighbours gathered for a naming ceremony, and the father announced the final choice. For us children, it was one of the most exciting moments. ALSO READ: Kagame talks parenting, quality time with family Today, parents often choose a child's name before birth, based on faith and family history. But what happens when that child grows up and legally removes it? For a parent, this can be hard to understand. It may feel like rejection, not just of the name but of who they are. Psychologists have found our names are closely tied to identity; hearing our own name even activates brain regions linked to self-awareness. Still, getting defensive rarely helps. Pausing to listen matters more. ALSO READ: It takes a village: Raising children in times of rapid change A child who removes a parent's name may be showing pain, or a wish to become someone new. Research on family estrangement backs this up. Poor parenting and broken trust are common reasons adult children give. One large U.S. study found they are far more likely to be estranged from fathers than mothers: 26 percent versus 6 percent, which may explain why it is so often a father's name that is removed. A pattern, not a verdict on any one father. ALSO READ: Children and mental health: What is the role of parents? Of course, not every name change comes from conflict. Some simplify their names for work, or reconnect with their mother's side of the family. Whatever the reason, removing a name by law is a serious step, not like forgetting to write it on a form. ALSO READ: Parents have primary duty over children - First Lady As parents, we may focus on the name we give our children. But the relationship we build around it may matter just as much belonging must be felt and lived, not just inherited. A child may carry a parent's name and still feel abandoned. Another may have a different family name and still feel closely connected to the parent who raised them with love and care. This article is not about encouraging children to remove family names, nor about blaming parents. Family relationships are complicated, and every situation has its own history. This makes me ask myself: what do my children connect with my name? Love and guidance, or moments that were left unspoken? As a parent, I try to imagine how I would feel if one of my children removed the name I helped choose. It would hurt. I might feel rejected or angry. But I hope I would have the courage to ask why, and stay humble enough to listen. Parents cannot control every choice their adult children make. We can only build relationships strong enough for hard conversations to happen before painful decisions become the only way to communicate. In the end, a name may be given during a joyful ceremony and carried for many years. But its deepest meaning comes from the experience behind it. For me, the real responsibility is not simply to give my children a family name. It is to live in a way that makes them proud to carry it. The writer is an International Coaching Federation (ICF) certified coach and banking professional at Bank of Kigali
