Rwanda’s signing of the African Union Convention on Ending Violence Against Women and Girls – becoming the ninth AU member state to join the landmark treaty – is an important national and continental commitment. ALSO READ: How to address, overcome the impact of gender-based violence Signed on July 28, the convention recognises that violence is not limited to physical assault. It also covers sexual, psychological and economic violence, including abuse occurring in private settings. It calls for stronger prevention, survivor protection, justice, healthcare, psychosocial assistance, legal support and public education. ALSO READ: Unmasking the silent pain of gender-based violence But a convention becomes most powerful when its principles enter homes, schools, faith communities and everyday relationships. Violence does not always begin with a visible injury. It may begin when humiliation, intimidation, isolation, threats, financial control and psychological manipulation slowly become accepted as normal. ALSO READ: Marriage clarity should come before family court A relationship should create harmony, security and mutual benefit. Marriage should strengthen two people, their family and, ultimately, society. When fear and control replace dignity and trust, the purpose of the relationship has already been damaged—even before physical assault occurs. This is why prevention cannot begin only after a complaint reaches the police. ALSO READ: Marriage readiness should begin before the wedding The law is essential. It protects survivors, establishes accountability and defines consequences. But law usually enters after a harmful act has occurred or been reported. Culture and education must work earlier. Society teaches children from a young age that stealing is wrong. Parents, schools, neighbours and religious institutions reinforce that lesson long before a person encounters a police officer or courtroom. We need the same seriousness regarding abuse. ALSO READ: Why marriage preparation is the foundation of good parenting Boys and girls should be taught early that love does not mean ownership. Authority does not mean intimidation. Disagreement does not justify humiliation. Financial support does not give one person the right to control another’s movements, friendships, communication or dignity. Marriage preparation should also go beyond wedding planning. Couples need guidance on emotional regulation, conflict, responsibility, respect, boundaries and the warning signs of unhealthy control. This is not because every disagreement is abuse. Couples will misunderstand each other and sometimes argue. The difference lies in patterns and power. Repeated threats, deliberate humiliation, isolation from relatives, monitoring movements, withholding money as punishment and making someone constantly afraid are not ordinary communication problems. They may indicate abuse requiring serious intervention and protection. Women and girls may remain silent for many reasons. Fear is one. Shame is another. Some fear retaliation, financial insecurity, losing their children or being blamed by relatives. Others remain because they still love the person harming them or hope the behaviour will change. Silence should therefore never be interpreted as consent or proof that the situation is not serious. Families and communities must become safer places for disclosure. Faith leaders, counsellors and elders should listen without blaming survivors or automatically instructing them to endure danger for the sake of appearances. They should also understand their limits. Coaching, mediation and family guidance cannot replace police protection, healthcare, legal assistance or safe shelter when someone is in danger. Men have a particularly important responsibility. Strength in a relationship should not be demonstrated through control. It should be demonstrated through self-control, protection, accountability and respect. The convention gives Rwanda an important legal direction. The next step is ensuring that its message becomes part of everyday education and culture. Ending violence will require prosecution when crimes occur. But prevention must start much earlier—before humiliation becomes routine, before control is called love and before fear becomes the normal atmosphere of a home. The law may act at the point of crisis. Society must act before the crisis becomes normal. The writer is a career and relationship clarity coach based in Kigali.
