Love was already difficult before it had an audience. Today, many young people are watching other people's relationships, comparing lifestyles, measuring attention, and forming expectations from curated images they see online. That is where the quiet damage begins. ALSO READ: When young people marry early, readiness matters even more Social media is not the enemy of love. But when it becomes the place where young people learn what love should look like, it distorts how they understand commitment before a real relationship begins. ALSO READ: Marriage readiness should begin before the wedding A 2025 peer-reviewed study in Social Science Computer Review found that exposure to positively biased romantic content on social media was associated with lower relationship satisfaction. Among single young adults, it was associated with higher partner expectations. Young people are forming standards for real relationships based on edited versions of other people’s lives. The pressure it creates — on both sides Online, love appears as gifts, trips, matching outfits, romantic captions, and carefully selected photographs. What is missing from that picture is ordinary reality: money conversations, family pressure, career stress, disagreement, and future plans. ALSO READ: Why marriage preparation is the foundation of good parenting Young people see the highlight, not the system behind it. This creates real pressure on men and women. Research shows how heavy financial expectations can become. A UK survey by Starling Bank found that 71 percent of men aged 18 to 24 believed the man should be the primary breadwinner, while 58 percent said a man may feel diminished if his partner earns more. This is not Rwandan data but it reflects a wider pressure men can face when love becomes tied to provision and public status. For young women, social media ties the meaning of love to lifestyle, security, and visible provision. For young men, it makes respect and worth feel dependent on income and public performance. Both pressures raise the bar while weakening the conversation underneath it. In Rwanda, we already see broader public debate around how traditional practices such as inkwano can be affected by modern financial pressure. What was meant to carry symbolic and family meaning can, in some cases, begin to feel like a measure of class, status, and display. Wrong questions replace the right ones When relationships become performances, people begin measuring love differently. Does he post me publicly? Why does their relationship look happier than ours? Why does my partner not express love the way people do online? These questions slowly replace more important ones: Do we share values? Are we honest about money? Can we discuss conflict without attacking each other? Are our futures moving in the same direction? Pew Research Center found that women whose partners use social media are more likely than men to report feeling jealous or uncertain in their relationship because of that use. A separate review of 45 studies on social-media-induced jealousy found it was linked to partner surveillance and lower relationship satisfaction over time. Jealousy is not only anecdotal – it is a studied consequence of performing love publicly. What young people need instead This article speaks to couples and single young people who are forming expectations before they have even entered a relationship. If you are measuring future partners against what you see online, you may already be carrying standards that real, honest relationships cannot meet. The solution is not to leave social media but to develop self-awareness about what it is doing to your expectations. Before asking what kind of partner you want, ask what kind of life you are trying to build. Before comparing your relationship to someone else's photograph, ask whether you and your partner are growing in the same direction. Enter a relationship with someone who shares your values and your vision, then build toward those things together. A healthy relationship is not the one that looks perfect online. It is the one where two people face reality honestly and keep building when no one is watching. Love does not become stronger because more people see it. It becomes stronger when two people know what they are building, and why. The writer is a career and relationship clarity coach based in Kigali.
