As Rwanda continues to observe the Family Month folllowing celebration of the International Day of Families on May 15, elders reflected on what they describe as weakening structures that once held Rwandan families together, warning that modern pressures are exposing households to conflicts they are not prepared to handle. ALSO READ: Alcoholism, absence of family time threaten stability of Rwandan families Their concerns come at a time when studies continue to highlight challenges affecting families. Alcoholism affects 85.8 per cent of families, infidelity affects 79.3 per cent, financial mismanagement at 78.7 per cent, and parents neglecting responsibilities of raising children at 69.2 per cent. While the figures may seem alarming, elders insist the problems themselves are not entirely new. What has changed, they say, is the disappearance of the extended family system that once helped absorb crises before they destroyed households. ALSO READ: Officials urge family dialogue to address root causes of conflicts “Divorces existed before too,” said Tito Rutaremara, the Chairperson of Rwanda Elders Advisory Forum (REAF). “The difference is that families intervened and tried everything possible to reconcile couples. Today, many families are isolated.” Rutaremara explained that in the traditional Rwandan society, raising children and protecting the stability of a home was not left to their parents alone. Uncles, aunts, grandparents, and neighbours all played a role in preserving the dignity of the family and shielding children from harmful situations. “If a mother struggled with alcoholism, relatives stepped in,” he said. ALSO READ: Absent parenting: The hidden toll on children's well-being According to the veteran politician, the extended family system helped reduce the impact of personal problems on children and society. Today, however, he says families are increasingly exposed, individualistic, and quick to publicize conflicts instead of resolving them. “The issue is not openness itself,” he said. “The issue is that we adopted an open society without maintaining the values and support systems that protected families.” Rutaremara believes this has become more complicated in a generation heavily influenced by social media, foreign lifestyles, and changing relationship expectations. He particularly pointed to marriage, arguing that many young people enter it without truly understanding each other. “When people are dating, they often show the best version of themselves,” he said. “They cannot display their violent nature, selfishness, alcoholism, controlling behaviour... After marriage, different personalities emerge and couples realise they were unprepared for them.” Although he acknowledged that previous generations also entered marriage without deeply knowing each other, he said strong involvement from extended families helped relationships survive difficulties. ALSO READ: Children and mental health: What is the role of parents? Beyond marriage, Rutaremara warned against the erosion of values such as humility, kindness, respect for elders, and responsibility toward others. “We can learn from other cultures,” he said, “but some values should never disappear because they are what make people human.” He stressed that values are not built through speeches alone, but through daily guidance from both parents and schools. “Children are shaped by what they consistently see and practice,” he said. ALSO READ: New law for family and persons gazetted: What you should know Marie Mukantabana, the Vice Chairperson of REAF, said Rwanda has made major progress in improving the welfare of families through healthcare, education, technology, and economic development. However, she noted that the pressure to keep up with modern life is creating new tensions inside homes. “Parents spend long hours looking for money and development, but some children are growing up without enough guidance and emotional support,” she said. Mukantabana also warned about the misuse of technology, saying social media is weakening communication within families while exposing children to harmful influences and unrealistic content. “Many family members spend more time on phones than talking to one another,” she said. She added that unresolved family conflicts, violence, separation of spouses, and bad behaviour among youth continue to affect many households, calling for stronger parental involvement in children’s upbringing. “Parents must know their children’s friends, follow their education closely, and teach them values early,” she said. ALSO READ: Poor parenting root of family challenges, says gender ministry Another elder, Rutera Rwubusisi, traced the weakening of families even further back, arguing that colonial influence dismantled traditional structures that once gave moral authority to elders and communities. “In the past, families were organised around clans and bloodlines, and every level had someone responsible for guiding others,” he said. According to him, modern society has largely reduced that structure to two institutions: the State and the nuclear family. “The extended family that once reconciled conflicts and disciplined people morally has almost disappeared,” he said. Rwubusisi said family conflicts existed in earlier generations too, including disputes involving spouses and in-laws, but communities had stronger mechanisms to resolve them before separation was inevitable. “What changed is not the existence of problems,” he said. “What changed is the way people solve them.” He also cautioned against unchecked media content, substance abuse, and foreign practices that weaken social responsibility instead of strengthening communities.
