Every morning before sunrise, Canisius Kanani heads to the garden to vegetables with some of his children before the younger ones prepare for school. Back home, they share chores, meals and conversations about their day, routines built over seven years after the death of Kanani's wife, who left with two boys and three girls. The youngest was nine years old. ALSO READ: Alcoholism, absence of family time threaten stability of Rwandan families For the 60-year-old resident of Gishegesha village in Ruhango District, life changed suddenly when his wife died from an illness. “We used to support each other, but there was a place she occupied in this family that could not simply be replaced,” he said in an interview with The New Times on Friday, May 15 on the occasion of the International Day of Families. “As a man, you are used to some things being done for you, then suddenly everything becomes your responsibility while also raising the children.” ALSO READ: New law for family and persons gazetted: What you should know Kanani says one of the hardest adjustments was learning how to raise daughters and understand their needs while balancing the emotional and financial demands of parenting alone. “Understanding the life of girls and protecting them from distractions was not easy,” he said. “You are entering a chapter you never prepared for.” Kanani's story reflects the realities many families face. ALSO READ: Kagame talks parenting, quality time with family To remarry or not to remarry Following his wife’s death, Kanani said people around him encouraged him to remarry, arguing that he was suffering. But he chose otherwise. “I did not want my children to lose me, or for me to lose them,” he said. “I kept asking myself whether marrying again was truly the best decision for them.” Instead, he focused on raising his children and protecting the bond they had built as a family. That decision, however, came with some sacrifices. “You have to put a full stop on some things and let them go,” Kanani said. “You stop expecting certain comforts or privileges. A child cannot replace their mother, and you cannot become angry because things are not done the same way.” He explained that he had to abandon some habits and personal desires that could distract him from his responsibilities. “You cannot spend money carelessly when your children may come home hungry,” he said. “You avoid anything that may bring them more pain or trauma.” ALSO READ: Poor parenting root of family challenges, says gender ministry Kanani also believes parenting requires leading by example. “If you tell your child not to stay out late while you also come home late every night, they will challenge you,” he said. “Children follow what they see.” Over time, he taught his children to share responsibilities at home. Although some initially resisted, cooperation gradually became part of the family culture. “One of my boys believed chores were only for girls,” he said, “but I guided him patiently, and today they all cooperate because they understand everyone has a role.” The family now follows a routine built around teamwork. Those attending school clean the house before leaving home, while others join their father in the garden before heading to vocational activities such as tailoring. Kanani says open conversation has also helped keep the family united. “True parenting is about dialogue, not shouting,” he said. “We sit together after meals and talk about our day and our problems.” ALSO READ: Rwandans called to promote positive parenting, child rights What family means to him For Kanani, family is more than shared blood or responsibility, it is a reflection of one’s values and character. “Family is a mirror in which you see yourself,” he said. “These children are my mirror, and I am theirs.” He believes raising children as a single parent requires determination, discipline and self-respect. “You fight every day to ensure people never say your children failed because they were raised by one parent,” he said. “You avoid habits you do not want them to copy.” He noted that many men believe caregiving belongs only to women, yet children should always come first. “Children are your true family,” he said. “Other people may only be around because of circumstances, but your wife and children are your real companions.” ALSO READ: Officials root for positive parenting to tackle GBV in families Today, some of Kanani's children are in school while others are learning various trades, with one daughter already married. The responsibility of raising them alone has required patience, sacrifice and consistency, values he believes every parent must hold onto. “If you fail at that level, everything else is already broken,” he said.
