In conversations about parenting, much attention is given to techniques: communication strategies, discipline methods, educational choices, and emotional support systems. Yet a quieter and far more foundational question often goes unasked: what kind of adults are raising the children? ALSO READ: Poor parenting root of family challenges, says gender ministry The message of before you bend the knee—originally framed around marriage preparation—carries profound implications for parenting. Its central thesis is simple: formation precedes function. And nowhere is that more critical than in the raising of children. If marriage requires preparation long before the proposal, parenting requires preparation long before the first child is born. ALSO READ: Many parents still use harsh discipline against children – report Parenting rests on personal formation. The character is formed early and revealed later. Marriage exposes it. Parenting magnifies it. A parent’s ability to guide, discipline, nurture, and stabilize a child depends less on parenting techniques and more on personal maturity. Emotional regulation, integrity, responsibility, patience, and moral clarity are not skills that suddenly appear in the delivery room. They are cultivated over years. ALSO READ: 100 couples on the secret to a happy relationship Children do not simply hear what parents say; they absorb who parents are. If a parent struggles with impulsiveness, unresolved anger, dishonesty, or instability, those patterns often echo in the home environment. Conversely, when parents are emotionally disciplined, consistent, and morally grounded, children experience safety and structure. Thus, the call to “formation before feelings” becomes a call to “formation before fatherhood and motherhood.” Covenant thinking versus contract thinking Covenant thinking creates stable homes for parenting. It stands in contrast to contract thinking, particularly in how we approach family life. In marriage, a covenant sustains commitment beyond convenience, providing the security and consistency children need to thrive. In parenting, covenant thinking creates security. A contract mindset asks, “what am I getting from this?” A covenant mindset asks, “what have I committed to give?” ALSO READ: Absent parenting: The hidden toll on children's well-being Parenting demands covenant thinking. It requires steadfast presence during sleepless nights, teenage conflict, financial strain, and emotional turbulence. It demands perseverance when gratitude is absent and reward is delayed. Children flourish in homes where commitment is not fragile. When parents practice covenant in marriage, children witness faithfulness modeled daily. They grow up understanding that relationships are not disposable and responsibility is not optional. Stable marriages do not guarantee perfect parenting—but they provide the most reliable soil in which healthy parenting can grow. Emotional maturity protects the next generation through good parenting. One of the parent’s strongest tools is emotional regulation. Feelings are powerful but unstable guides. This principle is critical in parenting. Children are emotionally developing beings. They test limits. They express frustration. They struggle with impulse control. When parents lack emotional maturity, reactions escalate. Discipline becomes harsh or inconsistent. Communication breaks down. But when parents have practiced self-control long before parenthood, they respond rather than react. They correct without humiliating. They guide without crushing. Emotional safety in a home begins with emotionally disciplined adults. The formation that sustains marriage—patience, humility, forgiveness—also sustains parenting. A well-formed adult can apologize when wrong, remain calm under stress, and model growth rather than pride. These habits shape a child’s internal world far more than lectures ever could. Courtship discernment shapes future families. Courtship is observation of patterns rather than excitement over promises. This principle matters deeply for parenting because the choice of spouse is the choice of co-parent. How a person handles disagreement in dating often predicts how they will handle parenting stress. How they manage responsibility before marriage signals how they will share parental duties later. How they treat boundaries during courtship often reflects how they will honor structure in family life. Choosing a partner without observing these patterns does not only affect marital harmony—it affects children’s security. In this sense, careful courtship is not merely self-protection; it is future child protection. Parenting begins before the child arrives. One of the most compelling implications of before you bend the knee is that preparation is preventive. It reduces avoidable instability. Parents who enter marriage with clarity about roles, shared values, discipline philosophies, and spiritual commitments are far less likely to create confusion in the home and especially for growing children. When moral and spiritual formation precede parenting, children receive consistent messages rather than competing and therefore confusing ones. Preparation involves: developing responsibility and work ethic; practicing accountability; cultivating communication skills; establishing spiritual habits; learning to resolve conflict respectfully. These are not merely marriage skills; they are parenting foundations. When these traits are absent, parenting becomes reactive and chaotic. When they are present, parenting becomes intentional and steady. Children inherit patterns, not just instructions. Perhaps the most sobering insight is this: children inherit relational patterns more than they inherit advice. If they see sacrifice offered freely, they learn service. If they see respect practiced consistently, they learn dignity. If they see forgiveness extended sincerely, they learn grace. If they see perseverance through difficulty, they learn resilience. The call to early formation is ultimately a call to generational stability. Good parenting is not built primarily on information—it is built on transformation. In an era that emphasizes quick solutions and immediate gratification, the message of preparation feels countercultural yet it is deeply practical. Strong parenting does not begin with a parenting manual. It begins with adults who have learned discipline before responsibility, covenant before convenience, and wisdom before impulse. Before raising a child, build the character. Before shaping a life, shape your own. Before teaching commitment, practice it. The foundation that sustains a healthy marriage is the same foundation that stabilizes a healthy home. And when that foundation is laid early, children do not simply grow up—they grow strong. Amb. Gerald J Zirimwabagabo is a retired educator, development professional and author.
