There is an idea that has stayed with me: true boundaries are uncomfortable; not because they harm others, but because they ask everyone involved to adjust. ALSO READ: Ways to establish healthy boundaries at work If a boundary never creates friction, it may not be a boundary at all; it may simply be compliance dressed up in better language. Real boundaries shift patterns and expectations, which naturally causes discomfort or pushback. When everything remains comfortable for everyone else, nothing has truly changed. That friction doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong. It means it’s doing its job. ALSO READ: More than just drinking: When calm doesn’t feel like home We often say we support boundaries. We encourage people to “speak up,” to “protect their peace,” to “honor their limits.” But that support is mostly theoretical. In real life, boundaries are welcomed only when they blend in; when they don’t interrupt routines, expectations, or social comfort. ALSO READ: How trauma echoes across generations This shows up in everyday moments. When you say you don’t respond to work messages after hours, you are labeled “not committed.” When you decline to share personal details, you are called distant or a closed book. When you ask for time before responding to conflict, you are accused of avoidance. When you say no without overexplaining, you are seen as disrespectful. Here’s another unpopular example. In many workplaces or communities, there is an unspoken rule: you arrive every morning and shake everyone’s hand, or hug the same people you hugged yesterday. Refusing feels rude. Opting out feels cold or unapproachable. On paper, choosing not to engage in physical greetings is reasonable. In practice, it is met with raised eyebrows, whispered judgments, or subtle exclusion. The boundary is understood intellectually, but emotionally rejected. This is how many boundaries exist in our lives; approved in theory, shunned in practice. And, let’s be honest. One cannot simply choose a boundary and say, “I don’t care what people think.” That is a lie we tell ourselves too quickly. We care, and of course we do. We are wired to want to belong and to be understood. But there is a difference between wanting to be understood and living in fear of being misunderstood. We praise boundaries loudly in theory. In practice, we tolerate them only when they are quiet, soft, and agreeable. When they inconvenience no one and cost no one anything. The moment a boundary disrupts access, comfort, or control, it is quickly reframed as selfish, dramatic, or too much. This is where the contradiction lives. We say we value emotional intelligence, consent, and self-awareness, yet we subtly punish people who practice them in ways that inconvenience us. The result is a culture where people learn to perform boundaries rather than truly honor them, both in themselves and in others. And yet, boundaries matter precisely because they do inconvenience old patterns. They protect emotional safety. They prevent resentment. They make relationships more honest rather than performative. Without boundaries, connection becomes obligation, and care turns into quiet self-betrayal. I’ll end by acknowledging this: boundaries can be misused. Sometimes they are used not to deepen growth, but to exit responsibility. The difference is simple. Ask yourself; does this boundary create space for honesty and repair, or does it shut the conversation down completely? A boundary is about how I will show up, not about controlling how others must behave. It is rooted in self-responsibility, not punishment. A boundary may limit access, but it does not erase care, honesty, or the willingness to repair. True boundaries still require courage. They ask us to tolerate being misunderstood. They ask us to sit with the discomfort of disappointing others without collapsing into guilt or defensiveness. Avoidance seeks relief. Boundaries seek sustainability. Queen Nelly Uwase is a psychiatric nurse exploring the emotional landscapes we rarely talk about.
