“A good wife gives all, and needs little. Submission is her crown.” “A worthy husband’s sole responsibility is to provide; He dominates, he rules unchallenged.” “A marriage only serves to sire children...love and joy are an accidental bonus.” These are words of, hopefully, times gone by. “Everything in a marriage is 50/50, get your calculator ready!” “Always choose yourself first, you can always find better.” “If your choice of partner doesn’t impress others, is this partner really worthy of you?” These are, (it seems), thoughts of our time. Let’s talk, like we used to. About us, in our context. Without condemnation, or aspiration for distant approval. With the welcoming of our differences in generations, for they increase the breadth and depth of our reflection. Let’s engage freely, and safely. I write, but also hope to listen. Perhaps it is my affection for the youth...perhaps it is simply that I love love. But the wellness of the Rwandan family unit - our youth’s cocoon - be it in health as in personal fulfillment, will always be my driving purpose. I may have voiced this before but repeat it proudly: we must aim for Rwandan families to be whole so that Rwanda, a country healing scars both physical and of the soul, can also be whole. An enriching panel of an event I recently attended - centering this very quest, with a focus on the thriving of young couples - offered food for thought that I would like to share at this table. Is There Anything to Worry About? You too have seen it; across the world, loneliness is becoming a public concern, being deemed, in some nations, an “epidemic”. Meanwhile the home, in modern conversations, is almost cast as a purgatory...where couples fail to hear each other, children find themselves misunderstood, and individual dreams and hopes slowly dwindle and die. I refuse to believe that modernity is entirely to blame...but I do have some observations. Households once anchored in shared purpose now fracture from the self-isolation of its inhabitants; from secret beliefs that one’s personal contribution - or worse, one’s overall worth - outweighs that of the other. Beliefs that are, more often than not, quite self-indulgent, and rather untrue. Individualism is on the rise, and the institution of family across the world feels shaken. Birth rates are declining in many ageing nations. Societies are increasingly sold to the idea that absolute self-reliance is freedom. I hear of “new practices”, and do listen, somewhat amused, somewhat perplexed. How does one outsource relationship labour, such as effective communication, or our presence and attentiveness, to processors and software? How does one rely on social media algorithms to say which “mate” we should pursue, substituting genuine and engaged conversations and the stating of interest and intention with abbreviated messages, “likes” and “emojis”, turning courtship into a half-hearted, low-effort, virtual endeavour? Maybe you, young people, do have it rough! But on the other hand, you have incredible assets at your disposal to build and maintain healthy and thriving relationships. Within your hand, you hold easy and immediate access to those for which you care about, an affectionate greeting, or a word of encouragement, or a timely reflection, or an “inside joke”, within seconds of their receipt. With modern technology, effective communication and planning ahead have never been easier. For us, for whom rare, static phone calls were a luxury, us that waited patiently at the post-office for hand-written letters always too short (no matter their number of pages), us that would spend months if not years without seeing the faces of those we loved, what you, youth, have now...would have been priceless, invaluable gifts...half blessing, half magic. And how we would have cherished it! I do sometimes struggle to make sense of this modern world, a hybrid between the digital and the physical. It stands at a cusp between the traditional it impulsively rejects, and a futuristic age of absolute globalisation, that also shows its fair share of false promises. When did we grow to worship the self? To applaud minimal effort, in tending to another’s wellness, tending to another’s heart? Human beings are social by nature. We are wired to seek companionship, to share experiences and aspirations, to grow (old) together, strengthened by another’s care and support. Perhaps there is freedom in admitting to this profoundly human need: to walk this life accompanied, seen, heard, looked after when we are weak, celebrated when we are strong. We know that stable partnerships do offer significant psychological and social benefits: reduced anxiety, stronger social networks, better emotional regulation, increased resilience against stress. They are what nature intended: a haven partners can decorate with memories, and keep alight and warm with shared goals and dreams. A loving home is where couples can truly blossom personally, socially and professionally. Children raised in supportive, nurturing homes will generally be at an advantage in as far as developing empathy, self-discipline, and the capacity for healthy relationships. These are not abstract ideals; they are evident patterns that we must keep in mind, even in this progressive, rapidly changing world. A Role? A Burden? Who Knows? I learnt of the term “gender war” the other day, and the thought of the ying fighting its yang, or vice versa (God only knows to whose benefit) struck me as deeply disturbing. Why must one always wish for the upperhand in a mutually-beneficial partnership? This is antithetical to love, and to stable unions. Why not work as a team? Yes, equality is non-negotiable. Still, in this otherwise empowering climate, couples risk losing the structure that allows them to sustain a healthy marriage. Respective roles are often questioned or rejected, due to hostility for their “gendered” nature...without considering the possibility of thoughtful adaptation of these roles to individual strengths, natural inclinations, and of course, demands of our time. This is not an argument to return to outdated hierarchies. It is a reminder that roles, mutually agreed upon, adapted to suit their bearer, and upheld with respect for the other, will always strengthen the unit. Getting Married Looks Wonderful, But Where is the Blueprint? Public discourse seems to be less forgiving by the day. Masculinity is dissected quite harshly, with contradictory, sometimes overwhelming expectations placed on the shoulders of young men from the dawn of their adulthood. On the other hand, the homely and social contributions of women remain undervalued, and the intimidating challenges of womanhood - both physical and emotional - are still routinely dismissed altogether. From what we have all witnessed, some choose to navigate this rocky path by throwing rocks at each other, with every discussion becoming a battle for power, an overwhelming need to ascribe all blame to and subdue the other. Minding the tongue, stopping it in its tracks before it does irremediable damage, seems a forgotten art. Yet clear thought must always precede speech, and respect must always define its boundaries. Choosing stubborn silence isn’t better either; it is a rather immature punishment, while raising one’s voice is to intentionally intimidate, or to emasculate. A fair, compassionate middle is yours to thread, within the privacy of the nest you have built and must aim to protect...twig by twig. To Us, For Us, By Us In Rwanda, homecoming goes beyond population restoration. After decades of forced separation, rebuilding the nation did, for most, require a physical return; but it also called for a return of relationships, of trust, of presence, of hope, of service, of peaceful cohabitation, of shared goals and ideals. It meant relearning to honour the home, to tend to its members with care, and to accept their care in return. For us, respect, commitment, and service within households ripple outward significantly, shaping civic behaviour and strengthening the bonds that hold a nation together. To the countless of us that have learned to love Rwanda from outside of Rwanda, but within, proudly Rwandan households, lawfulness and patriotism can be cultivated first at home, where the quiet discipline to care for others, becomes the foundation of social responsibility. After all, this connection, this rewarding cohabitation, is why we do all this. Love is why we rebuild, striving for success, daring to dream big. After all “the strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home” Perhaps you will be tempted by the fleeting “relief” of quitting looming over your head when things get hard. But one cannot build on what they have, in love as in anything else, without learning to salvage what is worth salvaging. Often, this will mean choosing to come home; weathering passing storms, refusing to jump ship, for what we value the most remains onboard. What if this was actually the most radical choice? Indeed...to love and be loved. A simple concept, yes. Still, a bold investment, of, I believe, the greatest possible return! Let our homes be places where joy is deliberate, shared, and enduring, a testament to the power of staying, of nurturing, and of walking side by side through all of life’s seasons. For those that fought, yet found their differences irreconcilable indeed, may the community be a source of comfort as you rebuild, and as you part ways in a dignified manner. But in every day of togetherness granted by the heavens, whether splendid or challenging, may we never lose sight of what stands to be gained by working towards one more day together: A legacy of love and enduring peace. I do hope for yours, always. Signed, A daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, and a grandmother. The writer is the First Lady of the Republic of Rwanda.
