Despite growing up in a seemingly financially stable family in Kigali, Peace Uwase, a 26-year-old university graduate, faced emotional neglect due to her mother's long working hours and her father's joblessness and heavy drinking. This left her vulnerable to abuse and emotional distress, leading to depression and suicidal thoughts in her early adulthood. ALSO READ: Children and mental health: What is the role of parents? Uwase said: “For a long time, my mother was the sole provider, working very long hours at work, and taking part time consultancy jobs during weekends so as to pay our school fees and cover other expenses. Financially, we lacked nothing. But mum had little time at home, often leaving the house very early and returning late. “Dad was unemployed. He struggled with alcoholism, and was often aggressive. As a kid, I was mostly looked after by house helps, who, from time to time faced, he mistreated.” ALSO READ: Mental health: How one mother helped her teen daughter overcome self-doubt A house help exploited her vulnerability to sexually abuse her. When she was 10, Uwase was “sexually abused” by a female house help but “couldn’t dare” to report the matter. What she went through really disorganised her; creating feelings of mistrust, fear, and betrayal. Worse still, it took a toll on her performance at school, which declined seriously. Her parents, unaware of the abuse she experienced and its impact, responded with “regular physical punishment.” At 20, Uwase began showing symptoms of depression, including loneliness, suicidal thoughts, and anger toward her family. Last year, she was taken to a mental health clinic in Kigali, where a psychotherapist recognised the source of her struggles and began treatment. Her parents also started received counselling to better support her recovery. Uko twita ku bana bacu n’uburere tubaha uyu munsi nibyo bigena imikurire yabo n’imibereho yabo iyo bamaze gukura. DG @iassumpta aributsa ababyeyi kwita ku nshingano za kibyeyi bityo bakubaka ahazaza heza h'abana babo #UburereBuboneye #DAC2025 pic.twitter.com/ld3kd8tr2q — National Child Development Agency | Rwanda (@Rwanda_Child) June 6, 2025 Uwase's story underscores the profound impact of absent or uninvolved parenting on children's mental health and overall well-being. And, though this is still unrecognised by many parents, sexual abuse is not solely perpetrated by adult males. We spoke to a number of parents, and heard many disturbing stories. Women can also commit acts of sexual abuse, as can other children, neighbours, and relatives. ‘It comes down to negligence’ In Rwanda, the phenomenon of absent parenting—where parents are physically present but emotionally or practically disengaged—has emerged as a significant concern, impacting children's emotional, academic, and behavioural development, according to family experts. But abuse, whether sexual or otherwise, by house helps or other adults, is not the only danger lurking in our homes today, due to a lack of consistent and supportive parenting. “After a friend alerted me, I was shocked to find out that the cartoons my kids were watching, regularly, actually featured content promoting unholy romance between same sex characters. This disturbed me so much! I always gave them the phone to watch cartoons every time I was home. I just thought that cartoons are good for kids!” said Beth Abatoni Karegire, a mother of three. “Innocent children are watching bad things, including porn, without their parents’ knowledge. Yet it us parents who give them the gadgets. I have since decided to be cautious. I check everything they view. I downloaded the cartoons I want them to watch and no longer just give them the phone and leave them alone as I get busy in the house or rest.” According to Jane Abatoni Gatete, the Executive Secretary of ARCT-RUHUKA, a national organization of professional trauma counsellors, the issue of absent parenting is far more nuanced than physical distance. “There are many reasons why parents may be absent, some are genuinely occupied with work, travel, or navigating family separation. But in some cases, it comes down to negligence. For instance, a parent may be physically present at home yet emotionally and practically disengaged. The child is left in the care of a house help or someone else, often without even basic attention like being bathed,” she said. She noted that many children today are growing up in environments “where emotional warmth is missing,” even in financially stable households. “There are parents who seem to have everything; they are not struggling financially. Yet their children are malnourished because they are not given food on time, and for some of the children, their milk is drunk by house helps. Even basic care is not offered to them. Their diapers aren’t changed, and they are only bathed when the parents are about to return home. For some, their food for school is packed in dirty containers. This kind of neglect is harmful, physically, emotionally, and behaviourally,” she said. According to Gatete, every stage of childhood, especially the earliest years, demands the presence of a parent. She described how attachment begins before birth and intensifies during breastfeeding and early interactions. When they’re breastfeeding, children start touching, looking into eyes, recognizing their mother’s odour. Even in the womb, that connection starts. Once they’re born, they cry when someone else holds them. That’s already attachment, she explained. From age three to 12, the need for emotional stability continues, Gatete said. At that stage, children look to parents for moral guidance and learning support. “It’s not just a teacher’s job. Parents need to check homework, help children understand difficult topics, and be involved,” she said. Impact of parental absence Gatete noted that children who grow up without parental involvement often face challenges in school and later on in life. For example, she said, such children tend to perform poorly in school because they didn’t experience love, had no one to help with homework, and lacked the support they needed. This absence of consistent care, she added, can lead to emotional issues such as anxiety, fear, and confusion about whom to trust, especially when caregivers change frequently, which increases the sense of instability. Signs of emotional distress are often visible in the way children react when parents leave the house. Gatete described scenes where children cry, cling to their parents’ clothes, or beg them not to go—behaviours that point to unresolved anxiety and unmet emotional needs. “Apart from academic struggles and anxiety, neglected children may show behavioural issues. Some act out aggressively, throw food, or become disruptive, not merely as a function of age, but as a manifestation of unregulated emotions and lack of guidance. This is because no one is showing them how to behave,” she said. Unaddressed, these childhood wounds often follow individuals into adulthood. Gatete said emotionally neglected children may later struggle with intimate relationships and become susceptible to abuse. “They don’t know how to attach or are vulnerable because they’re desperate for affection. Anyone who shows kindness, they follow, even abusers.” She called for urgent change, urging parents to reassess their priorities and take full responsibility for their children. According to her, parenting cannot be delegated to house helps, and financial support alone is not enough because what children need most is the consistent presence and involvement of their parents. Work-life balance Gatete encouraged families to embrace work-life balance. “Plan your time, offer affection, and go for therapy if needed. Use your support systems, and if you must travel, prepare your children emotionally ahead of time,” she said. Clinical psychologist Christella Ishimwe noted similar concerns, saying that the emotional impact of parental absence is evident in many young adults she works. Ishimwe said: “Many of these young adults struggle with depression, anxiety, frequent mood swings, and low self-worth, sometimes they are happy, and in seconds they are down, without understanding why.” Ishimwe observed that some of these young people resort to people-pleasing behaviours, sometimes to dangerous extents, as some may consent to unwanted sex to keep a partner or engage in self-harm, to manage emotional pain. In some households, older siblings end up assuming the parenting role. While this responsibility stems from love and a desire to protect, it often becomes a heavy emotional burden. They’re exhausted, feel overwhelmed and alone, Ishimwe said. She noted that a common pattern is children internalizing parental absence as rejection, leading them to believe they are unworthy of love, which in turn causes self-doubt, fear of rejection, and difficulty recognizing red flags or setting boundaries, often resulting in staying in toxic relationships. Ishimwe explained that the foundation of emotional well-being is often laid during the first 18 months of life, a critical period for forming secure attachment. When caregiving is inconsistent or when parents are emotionally unavailable, children may develop either avoidant or fearful attachment styles. “Avoidant people may appear emotionally detached, while those with fearful attachment often become clingy and struggle with abandonment anxiety.” These attachment challenges also manifest behaviourally. Some children become defiant, aggressive, or withdrawn. Others mature prematurely, taking on adult responsibilities before they are emotionally ready. Some turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, including drug and alcohol use, sex addiction, or theft, she added. Ishimwe gave an example of a 22-year-old university student battling depression while supporting her siblings and craving her mother’s approval. She pointed out that healing is possible through the presence of other nurturing figures, such as grandparents or guardians, but care must be taken not to overshare painful or difficult information about absent parents with children who are too young to process it. Intentional and engaged parenting Obed Kwizera, a father of two who has been married for five years, said the root of the crisis lies not only in time constraints but in an identity crisis among parents themselves. “Parenting is sharing life with your children or adopted children. It doesn’t start with children but with parents knowing who you are in relation to God, to life, and to who your children are.” For Kwizera, an educationist and evangelist, the problem isn’t just about being too busy. It is spiritual. Kwizera stressed that the real issue is not parents’ absence but the lack of identity in Christ. “Parents are not the owners of the children but ambassadors of God.” Kwizera said that the modern emphasis on individualism and material success has shifted focus away from true parenting. “It’s no longer investing for our children but investing in our children,” he said, referring to Psalm 127:3, which describes children as gifts from God, stating that God never calls parents to a task without giving them what they need to fulfil it. Kwizera said that when parents are not having life, children will struggle to have it. Alice Mugeni, 43, a mother of four in Gacuriro, Kigali, stressed that parenting, nowadays, demands more than providing food, clothing, and school fees. Mugeni, a busy businesswoman, added: “Parenting is an intentional and ongoing training and shaping of a child’s character, values, and behaviour. “Every moment becomes an opportunity to teach, guide, correct, and model good manners.” According to Mugeni, absent parenting can be subtle and easily overlooked, especially since a parent can be at home and still be absent while glued to a screen, or buried in chores, while the child is left with a helper or neglected emotionally. She urged parents to be deliberate in carving out time for their children by setting boundaries between work, social life, and family time, “and be intentional about learning parenting skills.” Regardless of pressures on families, she is optimistic that parenting can still be effective if parents deliberately make out the challenges “and prioritise raising grounded children” who can resist harmful cultural trends.
