Carine (not her real name) is a 31-year-old mother of three living in Gasabo District, City of Kigali. She is currently separated from the father of her children, who struggled with chronic alcoholism. Although they are still going through the legal divorce process, they no longer live together. Carine has no intention of remarrying or entering another relationship. Her decision stems from the trauma she endured in her early marriage, of physical abuse, emotional torment, and a relationship devastated by alcohol. She married in 2017, at the age of 22. At the time, she knew her husband drank but said it seemed manageable. He drank in moderation and appeared to have control over his life. Initially, alcohol did not interfere with their relationship. ALSO READ: New law for family and persons gazetted: What you should know In 2019, after having two children, things began to change. She noticed an increase in her husband’s alcohol consumption. He became secretive about his earnings and spending, and the spirit of cooperation that once defined their household began to fade. Over time, his behavior worsened. Drinking led to late nights, frequent quarrels, and eventually, physical violence against Carine and their children. “He started beating me and the children without any remorse, even when sober,” Carine recalls. “He stopped seeing the children as his own. Whenever he came home drunk, the children would run and hide. They knew what to expect.” Carine explains that the effects of her husband’s alcoholism went beyond abuse and drained the family financially. After her own business collapsed, she was left unemployed but still had to carry the full financial burden of the household. “Whenever he drank, he acted like a madman,” she says. “I tried to involve his family, but nothing changed. He would just say he does not know why he acted that way. I could not take it anymore, especially with my children suffering. In 2023, I finally left with them.” ALSO READ: First Lady urges women to be the heart of the family, country Carine is now focused on raising her children, aged 10, 8, and 5, who currently live with their maternal grandmother. “The children do not ask about their father. They know who he is. Our lifestyle is very different from before, but we had no choice but to part ways. He has not changed, and I have no plans of returning to him or getting into another relationship,” she narrates. Carine’s current priority is raising her children and rebuilding her life. Erisa Ndayisenga, a motorcyclist and a father of two from Nyarugenge District, City of Kigali, is a typical example of what Carine experienced that threatened the future of her family. He reveals that alcohol once threatened his own family. “I would go out for one drink, stay longer, and end up drinking more and buying for others,” henarrates. “I often used money that was meant for family needs. When drunk, you are not the same person. You make sound decisions when sober, only to undo them later under the influence.” The difference, however, was that Ndayisenga realized early on that heavy drinking often meant wasting money that was meant for family matters, thereby deciding to quit. “You don not just wake up and announce to your friends that you are done drinking. First, you make the decision, then avoid the situations that tempt you. Over time, they get used to the new you. If you are committed, quitting is possible,” he notes. ALSO RED: Family resilience: New intervention to address intergenerational trauma, enhance family harmony Alcoholism on rise Alcoholism and lack of quality family time are among the major factors destabilising Rwandan families. According to the Ministry of Gender and Family Promotion (MIGEPROF), the most common family-related issues include conflicts at 17.4 per cent, bullying and harassment 13.9 per cent, polygamy and infidelity 12.9 per cent, property-based violence 11.9 per cent, divorce 9.3 per cent, and teenage pregnancy at 9.1 per cent. These challenges stem from various root causes, with alcoholism leading at 82.8 per cent, followed closely by the absence of family time at 82.6 per cent. Polygamy and infidelity rank next at 75.2 per cent, followed by misunderstandings of gender equality at 75 per cent, misuse of family resources at 74 per cent, neglect of parenting responsibilities at 68.4 per cent, drug abuse at 49.8 per cent, and technological distractions at 27.3 per cent. The Rwandan constitution recognises the family as the foundation of society. When families are strong, they nurture responsible citizens. But when families are unstable, the consequences ripple across communities and the nation. ALSO RED: Family resilience: New intervention to address intergenerational trauma, enhance family harmony Aline Umutoni, Director General of Family Promotion and Child Protection at MIGEPROF, emphasises that family challenges disproportionately affect children, calling for collective efforts to resolve these issues, and stating that government interventions alone are not sufficient. “Family problems hurt children the most, even though they did not cause them,” she explains. “They did not choose to be born into violent or alcoholic households. Yet they end up dealing with consequences like malnutrition, street life, sexual abuse, or child labour due to the absence of proper parenting.” Umutoni warns that the future of Rwanda depends on the kind of citizens nurtured in homes today. “A country is its people, and its people come from families. The values taught at home shape who they become.” ALSO READ: Who really is the “head of family” in Rwanda? A decolonial perspective Umutoni maintains that the breakdown of communication and quality time within families is a major concern. “Technology has contributed a lot in lacking family time. It has replaced family discussions,” she explains. “During family time, parents and children bond. It is where traditional values are passed to the younger generation, where children share their concerns, and parents show love and understanding. “It's also the space to correct misinformation children absorb from the outside world,” she adds, advocating for families to establish shared schedules to ensure regular engagement, highlighting that the cost of not making time for such discussions is far greater than the time or effort it takes to have them. “Families should create common shared schedules to catch up with each other’s lives, discuss matters, and reduce the negative impact of technology. Every family is different and cannot be led in the same way, so each should explore what works best for them,” she observes. Umutoni emphasises that in the past, parents were highly involved and aware of their children’s whereabouts and lives. “A child may now be in their room, seemingly asleep, but instead they are on their phones consuming potentially harmful content. Families no longer share meals.” “Everyone eats according to their own schedules. No one knows what their family member is going through or what they are achieving,” she adds. ALSO READ: A labour of love: building resilient Rwandan families She acknowledges the pressures of modern life and the pursuit of income but warns that neglecting family values could lead to long-term harm. “Even if the family is financially stable, without values and character nurtured in the home, there is a high risk that everything will crumble.” Year of family This year, Rwanda is observing International Families Day under the theme “Ibiganiro byiza, ireme ry’umuryango,” loosely translated to “Good family discussions, the foundation of a family.” According to the Ministry of Gender and Family Promotion, the theme is meant to inspire inclusive and open dialogues among all family members. “Families should foster an environment where every member feels free to seek advice, and where individual and collective achievements are celebrated,” Umutoni says, adding that the social health of a family also includes proper resource management, respect for rights, and inclusive care for vulnerable members such as the elderly and people with disabilities. ALSO READ: Effects of dysfunctional families from a victim’s perspective Umutoni calls on communities to reject individualism and revive the traditional sense of shared responsibility. “What pressures your neighbor’s family today could be at your doorstep tomorrow. How can you take your child to school when your neighbor’s child cried all night and you did not even check in?” she asks. “If your neighbor is struggling with a child who is addicted to drugs, know that problem could easily spread to your home. We must stop pretending we are unaffected and instead work together to find solutions,” she adds She stresses the importance of the extended family and community in raising children and maintaining social harmony. “No child should be left to suffer just because they are not biologically yours. The child belongs to the society.” ALSO READ: Family law seeks to protect right to property for orphans Other issues affecting families include physical violence, street children, child labor, defilement, rape, and even murder. Despite the challenges, a majority of Rwandans still express confidence in their family’s social well-being. The latest Citizen Report Card (2024) from the Rwanda Governance Board reveals that 74.9 per cent of Rwandans appreciate their family’s welfare, particularly in regard to respect for child rights. However, appreciation for gender equality within the home lags behind, at just 52.3 per cent. The study, conducted in all 30 districts of Rwanda, showed that men rated family welfare slightly higher at 77.2 per cent compared to women at 73.2 per cent. Huye District reported the highest satisfaction at 85.4 per cent, while Musanze had the lowest at 64.7 per cent. In 2023, the appreciation rate stood at 75.1 per cent. Rwanda continues to champion family empowerment through multifaceted policies. Initiatives like Umugoroba w’Imiryango (evening family gathering), a monthly forum held in villages across Rwanda provide a platform for community members, including men, women, youth, and children, to discuss issues affecting their well-being. In addition, savings cooperatives and access to financial services help families strengthen their economic independence. The government also enforces laws that protect family rights and works to shift mindsets toward shared responsibilities between men and women at home.
