“For love is as strong as death...” King Solomon wrote in Song of Songs. Freud Sigmund said libido seconds death instinct to influence human behaviours. After understanding the power of libido in influencing humans, and the motivation for sex; reproduction, love expression and fun in Part 1, it is now time to get our minds around sliding or deciding our way into the bed business. I adopted the concept of sliding or deciding from the book “How to not die alone: The surprising science to help you find love” by Logan Ury where she describes how people transition to critical stages of relationships without thinking about it thoroughly (sliding), or deciding by considering risks, price to pay, irreversibility of some decisions. Sex is one of the areas where people more often slide than decide. I will use two hypothetical stories to explain the two concepts. Story 1: Sliding into sex Gabriel and Mary are university students. They have been dating for the last six months. They met in the choir since both are active members in one Christian church. They go out often and their conversation is dominated by their religious matters. They avoid any ‘dirty’ conversation; sex. They assume both know they don’t have to have sex (at least as faithful Christians) although they never openly talk about it. One Friday evening, something unprecedented happens. Gabriel invites Mary to his house for dinner. It was just for dinner. Mary comes to see her trusted boyfriend. They cook together. They eat their dinner sitting on Gabriel’s tiny bed (as a student he lives in an all-in-one room) listening to slow French music smiling at each other with love. They are alone in the house. Out of the blue, Gabriel holds Mary’s hand and squeezes it affectionately. They gaze into each other’s eyes and their atmosphere is filled with an unexpected silence with slow music in the background. Their hearts start beating so fast as their minds rush with emotions. They start hugging each other with affection, rubbing each other’s hands and for the first time, they kiss so deep. They know they are heading to an unplanned destination and it is not safe (no condom, no other contraceptives) but it feels overwhelmingly and mind-blindingly good, new and non-negotiable; they can’t stop. And they make it to that destination; bed business. This is a typical scenario of sliding into sex. It is sex out of convenience and opportunity. The couple involved in this kind of practice is less likely to use any protection since it is not planned or discussed over. They know it’s not safe but the emotions and passion override logic and reasoning. This is a common sex practice among the teenagers. Any opportunity when parents or guardians are not watching becomes the right time to experiment with this so-called mystery claimed to be reserved for adulthood, but the teenage fast-growing and changing body can’t wait any longer. It’s opportunistic and convenience-based. However much it’s not safe, they slide into it anyway! Sliding into sex exposes one to risk intercourse. According to CDC study in 2019, 46% of high school students had sex in the last three months and didn’t use condom, 12% used no method to prevent pregnancy and 21% had drank alcohol or used drugs before sexual intercourse. As a result, half of new STDs reported each year are among the young people aged 15 to 24 (CDC) and globally 15% of young women give birth before their 18th birthday (UNICEF). According to the WHO report of 2019, there are 21 million teenage pregnancies (aged 15 to 19) a year in low-and middle income countries (LMICs) of which 50% are unintended. And of these unintended pregnancies, 55% end in abortions which are often unsafe in LMICs leading adverse health outcomes like deadly infections, hysterectomy (surgical removal of uterus) and even death. Multiple studies proved that adolescent mothers have increased risk of complication of pregnancy like severe high blood pressure during pregnancy (preeclampsia), uterus infection after delivery (puerperal endometritis) and other systemic infections. Furthermore, the babies of adolescent mothers have more risk to be born before the right time (preterm birth), with lower weight than required to lead a health life and may face many problems soon after birth (neonatal problems). A significant number of married couples are also more likely to slide into the bed business. It is always convenient. And if they are not circumspect enough to use contraceptives, they will produce more children than they planned to have. More than once I meet a mother coming to our hospital to give birth to her 7th child. Guttmacher Institute 2013 reports highlighted nearly a half (47%) of all pregnancies in Rwanda were unintended of which 37% end in unintended birth. Sliding into sex in a risky sex practice should be avoided. It is more likely to lead to unintended pregnancy, sexual-transmitted diseases and emotional damage from regret (you know some people give in to emotions and have sex with people they never thought they would). To combat the issues brought up by sliding bed business, everyone needs to have the right information and a resolve to decide their way into the bed affair and sexual experience they are aiming for. Story 2: Deciding over sex Abraham is a widower at 39 working as a bank manager at a popular bank in Kigali. His wife Elizabeth died nine months ago and left him with two sons aged 9 and 7 and a daughter aged 3. Abraham is a responsible man and he doesn’t want to remarry. On the other hand, Catherine is an attractive woman at 31, a single mother of one son that she had when she was 22 as a university student (she broke up with her boyfriend who wanted to marry her just because she was pregnant while she wasn’t ready for that). She works with Abraham as the human resources officer and they are good friends. She is ambitious and marriage is not on her to-do list. Since the time Elizabeth died, Abraham and Catherine grew noticeably closer (maybe he needed support from a trusted friend). Last weekend they went on a vacation together on a two-day tour that was organised by a tour company in Kigali. Since couples were given a discount and both wanted to go and catch some fresh air after a busy week, they registered as a couple. They really had fun! Here is the catch, the people registered as couples were to share a tent. Abraham and Catherine had to share a tent. As male and female friends with normally-functioning bodies in a safe, convenient, relaxing environment without any sexual faithfulness obligation, natural sex drive couldn’t spare them. They were already kissing. However, they had discussed their resolution not to remarry or have more children. “But we don’t have a condom.” Abraham interrupted the whole vibe in the tent. “Well, I use a long-term intrauterine device for contraception,” Catherine said. “Yes I understand but we don’t know each other’s HIV status or risk of other sexually-transmitted infections.” Abraham said, jokingly! Abraham recalled that the tour facilitators had announced the condoms availability in the washrooms in case someone needed one. This scenario is an example of deciding over sex. It involves open discussion about individual sexual motivations and limitations, risks involved and potential ways to minimise the risks, whether you want to have children or not. It is sex based on understanding, responsibility, and respect. It is more likely to be safe and breeds no regret. It’s thought-over ahead of time. Obtaining the optimum healthy sex life and maximum enjoyment from sexual intercourse requires knowledge, Dr Reuben concluded. In a culture where discussions about topics like sex, orgasm are still a taboo reserved for adults for late night hours behind closed rooms, there will always be a gap between sex practice and sex knowledge. Teenagers, young people and the inexperienced adults will keep sliding into bed affairs risking their health and dreams for an average of 5.4 minutes’ sexual pleasure. All children need is to have access to open, age-appropriate information about sexual and reproductive health. Puberty shouldn’t reach before children know what to expect during the critical stage of sexual maturity. All mechanisms to avoid risky sexual behaviour should be introduced to young minds before it is too late. Sexual and reproductive health information and products of contraception should be made readily accessible so everyone can be able to decide their way into the bed business (sex to be precise again), instead of sliding on this slippery cliff to fall in a dungeon of regret of physical and emotional damage. It is worth noting that promoting open conversations about sex is not cutting off abstinence or ethical values, but ensuring that whatever decision partners make is an informed one. I am aware that there are various elements around risky and inappropriate sexual conduct that stand as an excuse for sliding into sex; poverty, depression, poor parenting, and child neglect. However, we need to make effort to decide more than we slide because repercussions care less on excuses. The author is a medical doctor (in training) ericniyitanga08@gmail.com
