Can I get married early, or not, in peace? First and foremost, I will skip the part where the decision to marry is entirely and solely personal. The stress is ‘the time when someone chooses to marry’—this should also be strictly personal. I don’t have a fiancé yet and for some, my age may be too early or just right to be engaging in this discussion. But let’s stick to the age part. We won’t venture along the lines of whether marriage is important or not because again this should be personal. So how soon is too soon? Just in case, we are not talking about instances like when you are dating someone and so you want to press the next button—when you have dated them for a while or just met and now you are wondering whether they are the one. No, that is not the talk today. Am I the only one who has set an age for when I would like to get married? Almost everything in my life works that way, on a sharp timetable and schedule. I spare some room for flexibility though, for the fact that I’m Christian and I gather, God may have other plans sometimes. But I’m not the only one, right? So do you ever sit back and think, at 24, 25, 26 (you name it) I would like to have graduated from school, get married and after (specify time) I will have babies, or say, I want to graduate, work on my career and then marriage and kids later. Recently, I had a heated argument with one of my friends on the fact that I would like to be married by the age of 24 or 25. I told her I want to have my babies early and be a cool young mother, loving wife—you know the drill. This, I beg, does not mean I will give up on my career nor does it mean I will drop out of school. Mind you, my timetable is clear and realistic. I will first have to graduate from university, get done with my Master’s degree and have a stable source of income before I put on the white dress and then…you know. But my friend was not happy. She literally was disappointed because according to her that is too early. “You will still be too young,” to quote her. Women sacrifice a lot in marriage, she said, and part of it is their dreams, careers, time and many other things. You don’t want to rush into marriage at such a young age just to end up miserable, not having fun the way your age mates would be, she said. “You will regret it. Otherwise I pray you change your mind,” she emphasised. Paul Coleman, PsyD, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Intimacy, says, “Perhaps the most important aspect of waiting is that you’ll know what your goals and values really are.” But hold on. Is it a must to do the ultimate discovery of one’s true purpose in life, goals and values, at an old age? Should we go by “wisdom comes with age” really? Also, who says fun is necessarily out of marriage? And who decided that a woman should essentially put on hold her life because she is a mother and a wife? Also, am I less of a feminist if I don’t only dream to be an independent boss lady but also a mother and wife? And at a young age please? For the older folks, the pressure is a different kind. For them, the problem is when you don’t actually want to get married early or at all. Especially if you are a girl…dear, you will be miserable! Sayings like “guhera kw’ishyiga” (being stuck on the stove) when a girl delays getting married or has passed the ‘right’ age with no husband or child, are specifically designed as weapons of shame for those whose luck is short. Now, imagine those who dare to choose it for themselves, woe unto them. To me, this is all unnecessary drama. Can I choose what matches my dreams and aspirations for myself? Can you please offer your advice and not your judgment?
