Meeting someone and clicking is an amazing feeling, but it is not easy to know someone’s true self at first sight, or during the early stages of dating. A toxic relationship doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic, it can be a colleague at work, a friend or relative. Sometimes people can even hide their true character until marriage, but you can’t pretend for long. Toxic people are difficult to deal with and they mostly cause trouble. A toxic partner can cause physical and emotional pain to you by their actions. At times they are undergoing stress or trauma but just decide to offload their bitterness and frustration on you. Experts say that toxicity in people isn’t considered a mental disorder. But there could be underlying mental problems that cause someone to act in toxic ways, including a personality disorder. “A toxic relationship occurs when one or both people are emphasising love over the three core components of a healthy relationship, which are; respect, trust, and affection. However, love should not be the reason to stay in a relationship, and that’s because it can threaten one’s judgment in these other important areas.” According to family counsellor Irene Gakumba, toxic people lack trust in their partners, they don’t think you can be faithful during their absence, no wonder they feel entitled to check your phone just to make sure they are not cheated on. They would want to have access to your social media accounts, emails and phone. Toxic people want to be filled in about your every step, what you’re up to and who you’re with. They can disconnect you from friends and families, and family gatherings, Gakumba says. “It’s weird that they may keep around, even when you need some privacy to talk to other people, and worst of all, are controlling. They may lecture you on how to behave, and what’s right for you and may want to manage your finances,” Gakumba adds. They are good at communicating aggressively, they yell, call you names, and can use your body to physically intimidate, and throw or break things when frustrated. “When you’re having conversations, you don’t give it time to understand, rather just respond for the sake of it. They are also good at blaming their partners and would feel okay to give silent treatment instead of discussing matters and finding a solution,” she says. The family counsellor notes that although a toxic relationship can be healed, it takes the interests and efforts of both partners. She says that the couple should seek counselling but if one of them shows no signs of change and keeps hurting the other, emotionally, physically, financially, or sexually, then the relationship should stop to save the wellbeing of your partner. Benjamin Zulu, a Kenyan counselling psychologist, in one of his shows states that letting go of a toxic person creates pain and loss since you envision staying with them or feel dejected because the person wasn’t able to change the way you wished them to. Since you had dreams and a future to hope for, it is enough to cause bad feelings. The same way new love is exciting, losing love is stressful. He says that letting go of someone hurts because your identity was in the relationship. “You’re supposed to have an identity that doesn’t involve your partner. There are things about your life that should be engaging and exciting even when you don’t involve your partner, because that is when you know that the relationship is healthy. “There should be conversations and interactions that should be about your inner life that is fulfilling without your partner. If you don’t have that, you’re swallowed, and enmeshed. If the relationship breaks, you feel like your inner core has been broken, you can be hurt for many years,” he says. Psych Central, an online mental health and psychology network, states that to admit you’re in a toxic relationship may seem like a small step. But actually, it’s huge. You’re stepping across a canyon, from denial to acceptance. Science has got your back. Much research shows the damaging health effects of continuing a toxic relationship. For example, a 2021 study found that feelings of being harassed, bullied, or ostracised in a toxic workplace can lead to stress, burnout, depression and anxiety. Refresh your cache by taking a look at how friends or family members can support you. Even one person is enough. They will give you courage and an idea of what life can be outside a toxic relationship. These are people who will stay by you after you end the relationship. You will need them for emotional support.
