When Karekezi (not real name) graduated from college and got a job, his parents immediately set him up with their lifetime friends’ daughter for marriage. They would tell him “you will learn to love her, don’t worry.” Once, he returned home from work and found his wife having sex with another man in their room. They separated for a bit and later got divorced, something that has affected both their lives until now. Uwase (not real name) is only 25. She has been set up on several dates by her own parents and family members since she was 19. Even last month, her mother’s friend called to ask if she had graduated already, because she couldn’t wait to introduce her to her well raised son so they could start a family together. “Of course I know it was my mother who had asked her to do that,” Uwase laughs out loud. “They set me up with some ‘rich’ Rwandan Diasporans and of course, I have dreams to chase so I never give in. Even after seven years, they still pressure me,” she added. Uwase will go through the same pressure for a couple more years, but at least she hopes it will end in soon. However, this is not the case for Ingabire (not real name) who has decided she will not be anyone’s bride, ever. “I think marriage is not the only lifestyle option for adults. There is more. It’s not for everyone and I think the cost to it, not necessarily money, is too high for me,” Ingabire says. Being an adult and unmarried is not for the fainthearted, and it’s not just in Rwanda. People across the globe have composed songs, from “I’ll Be a Bachelor Till I Die” to “I Never Will Marry” and “Ban Marriage”. Even local artistes recently released a song dubbed “Ubanza Nkuze,” Kinyarwanda for “maybe I am really grown-up” where they say “I don’t even have anyone, and there isn’t even hope.” But in the same world where we have “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” enthusiasts and a culture that cherishes marriage over other relationships, having everything else together with being unmarried may be regarded as half success! Even in pre-colonial Rwanda, teenagers would get married. Although it has been ages since then, the attitude hasn’t changed tremendously, except for age. Andre Ntagwabira is an archaeology research specialist at Rwanda Cultural Heritage Academy. He tells Weekender in a phone interview that historically, we all had to get married unless there was something wrong with us; sickness, for instance. “It wasn’t an option to stay single. It was a tragedy and people would laugh at you, or even discriminate against you,” Ntagwabira says. He adds that as years passed, many reasons for celibacy emerged, including religious ones. “It is also someone’s right, you know,” he says. But if it is not in the constitution that “ye shall marry”, why are the singles pressured to find someone? Many people have had the “now you get to marry” speech on their graduation. Because what else is there to achieve after school? Maybe, a career! But a wife or husband too. This blurry deadline to marry and the belief it has to happen are often regarded as benevolent but are harmful instead, and can be catastrophic, says Damien Mouzoun, a professional counsellor who specialises in family and youth counselling. He says the pressure could even lead to someone hurting themselves for feeling like they are failures. “This is a conflict of generations where in the past, marriage was for the family and what is in it for them than what the two individuals getting married want, and in the present where people want to marry who they really want,” Mouzoun says. He adds that although there isn’t a known solution to this problem, this pressure could lead to heartbreaks that we cannot understand. Celestin Hategekimana, a parent and religious leader, argues that even the Bible which is respected by the majority of Rwandan churchgoers didn’t set a deadline for people to marry. “Even Jesus, our role model, died in his 30s and he was still single. So no one should say it’s too late for anyone,” he says. Hategekimana adds that although marriage can be good, people have to understand that present challenges, majorly financial, will lead to more people deciding to lead single lives, for their own good.
