You meet someone online, like them, send a friend request and then slide into the DM, as you keep the chat going, things become flirtatious, and by the look of things, the interest seems mutual. But somewhere along the way, you feel like you’re giving way more than you’re getting with this person, or like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster—this, relationship experts say, might indicate that you are a victim of ‘breadcrumbing’. In Megan Beauchamp’s article, ‘Everything You Need to Know About “Breadcrumbing”’, she writes that Kelly Campbell, Ph.D., a Professor of Psychology at California State University, defines breadcrumbing as “leading someone on romantically using online or electronic forums (think: social media or texting) to keep someone’s interest in you, even if you never intend to become romantically involved with them.” People engage in breadcrumbing because their self-esteem is impacted by how much attention they can secure from others. / Photo: Net “It’s essentially an emotionally manipulative tactic designed to make someone dependent on you (or vice versa, depending on the relationship dynamic),” Beauchamp writes. So how do you tell that you someone is breadcrumbing you? According to relationship experts, they lead you on by showing some interest, occasionally sending in messages, phone calls, date plans, or interacting with you via social media. They do this infrequently and usually don’t carry on with interactions. Once they sense that you’re giving up, they pursue you even more, if they notice you have their attention back, they disappear again. Such people are inconsistent, they may chat with you and leave you interested in them, but out of the blue, go silent and stop replying to your texts or initiating conversations and phone calls. Nevertheless, they suddenly break the silence and start chatting, and even commenting on your posts, as though nothing happened. They never give explanations as to why they went mute. They don’t lay out their intentions, they enjoy small talk. Melisa Akaliza, an entrepreneur in Kigali, says that sometimes ex-partners are good at breadcrumbing, even when they know you have moved on, they appear once in a while, reminding you of the good times you had together, or just to complement how beautiful you are. She notes that if some feelings for them are not lost completely, you may be confused about whether they want to stir things up again, or just test you. Even though you agreed to end the relationship amicably, they throw in some romantic lines, just so you don’t completely erase them. Akaliza explains that in an actual sense, such people just need attention or connection, but nothing serious. “They breadcrumb out of fear of being alone, to gain attention, or out of inconsiderate boredom. Although they want to connect, they lack the interest or emotive obtainability to withstand any profound engagement. “Even though they find you attractive and enjoy chatting with you, they’re just after a sparkle connection, nothing more. They are not looking for a serious relationship, so they hold back so as they don’t push things forward,” Akaliza says. Counsellor Innocent Kabera says that people who breadcrumb just flirt with you with no main goal of commitment, rather, view you as their backup plan. He adds that some people are even in relationships but just keep you in their network so that when things fall apart in their current relationships, you are their plan B. It is also caused by loneliness. “Some of them even view you as their emotional support, reason enough not to let you go. However, miscommunication can make you think that someone is breadcrumbing you while they are not, this is because they are not good at communication. They were taught to hide feelings even when they want to give love a chance. They, therefore, communicate vaguely, hence breadcrumbing you,” he says. How to go about this? Kabera supports the idea of talking about it once you notice signs of breadcrumbing. “Honestly inform these people about your relationship goals and ask them theirs, just to be sure if you’re on the same page.” He says to take care of yourself by making sure that you don’t fall into the trap of only committing alone, and know that you deserve much better. Don’t hesitate to walk away if you notice that someone is wasting your time. He also adds that you can know that it is not working out in the first place if you listen to your heart. You can sense that something is wrong, you may be confused even. If such people layout plans of meeting you again, give them a specific date and time, as being specific with timelines will help you know their intentions. Healthline states that recent research exploring breadcrumbing in dating suggests it often contributes to feelings of loneliness and helplessness. Experiencing breadcrumbing might also leave you less satisfied with life in general, and no wonder—you’re putting your life on hold for someone who shows just enough interest to fuel your sense of hope but not enough to provide the connection you want. In Beauchamp’s article, she highlights some of the red flags: • They are less invested in getting together than you are. “(Breadcrumbers) make plans with you but cancel or don’t show up, and they seem too busy for you,” explains Campbell. “They might even go absent for periods of time,” she adds. • You never know where you stand with them. According to Campbell, breadcrumbers “are sporadic, inconsistent, and unpredictable in their expression of interest” in you. • They seem warm toward you but then turn cold. For instance, “they take a long time to respond to your messages,” offers Campbell as an example of this behaviour. • You can’t understand or explain their actions. “You are often left confused or frustrated after interacting with them,” Campbell elaborates.
