Cohabiting, a relationship where a man and woman live together as if married, usually without legal or religious sanction, is viewed as taboo in the Rwandan culture. However, despite the stereotypes around it, different couples, especially those living in urban areas, are increasingly embracing cohabiting. Some have urged that the arrangement may help tame the escalating cases of domestic violence. They base this on the fact that since the couple has nothing binding them, it will be easier for either party to walk out of it in case disagreements start coming up. Other proponents say that cohabiting gives the couple an opportunity to ‘learn’ each other such that by the time they choose to tie the knot, they are sure about their spouse. A man, who only wanted to be identified by his surname Murenzi and lives in Kigali, says he cohabited with his girlfriend from 2017 until 2020 when she found a new job in the countryside. He told The New Times that while cohabiting, they didn’t face any problem and are still in a relationship. He revealed that for him, cohabiting is like experiencing how the life you are supposed to live in the future will be like, adding that it helps because once the couple marries legally, there are no surprises. He says this is a catalyst for building a harmonious family. According to statistics from the judiciary, the number of divorce cases in Rwanda have increased from 965 in 2016 to 2874 in 2020. Among them, 1458 were confirmed, 198 were dismissed and 189 were appealed for. Can cohabitation then help reduce this number? Jean Pierre Cyambari, the Executive Secretary of Gishubi Sector, Gisagara District, does not believe so. He says that cohabitation cannot help in shaping parents that will not divorce, adding that only love and tolerance build harmonious families. He says that such arrangement only bring suffering on children in case the couple decide to separate. “In most cases when they separate and they have children, the woman and children leave the home and go somewhere else. It is even easy for the man to bring a new wife because he has no binding agreement with the first woman. This deprives the children of the right to family property.” Marie-Immaculee Ingabire, a renowned women rights activist and chairperson of Transparency International (TI) Rwanda doesn’t also see cohabiting as something that can help build a harmonious family. She said that the decision of living together as husband and wife without being legally married should be well-thought-about because it is one of the things that cause problems in society, adding that she does not agree with people who cohabit under the guise of wanting to ‘understand’ their partners. “If someone wants to hide their flaws from you when you aren’t married yet, they will keep hiding them. If two people love each other, they should have an honest conversation while still dating so that they know if will tolerate each other’s flaws. Also, there are behaviours you can change for the convenience of your partner,” she added. Speaking to The New Times, Ninette Umurerwa, the Executive Secretary of Haguruka, an NGO that promotes rights for women and children said that their organisation receives many cases they receive arise from cohabitation. She said that they get many cases of children born out of the wedlock who are caught between conflicts of their parents. Umurerwa said that it gets difficult when it comes to separation and division of property because article 39 of Gender-Based Violence law indicates that in case of separation of an unwed couple, each will get property proportionate to their contribution during their union. “In most cases it’s hard to prove how much you have contributed to the family and that can result in losing everything. I would say that the division of the property is not automatic but when people are legally married, the law helps them out easily.” In the cultural context, cohabiting is considered taboo, according to Jean de Dieu Nsanzabera, a historian and author. He noted that one of the reasons why people nowadays cohabit is because family is no longer involved in choosing the right bride or groom for their children as was traditionally the case. Some of the religions also do not support cohabiting due to different reasons. For Bishop Fidele Masengo, founder of Four Square Church, cohabitation in most cases brings despair to the woman, saying that after being impregnated, the man my leave her and marry someone else. “It has been proven that when a man has lived and slept with a woman, the urge to make her his wife dies out and he feels like he doesn’t want her,” he said. He noted that a man who has successively cohabited with two or three women will pick a habit they will never stop because the more someone changes partners, the more they have less chances to keep a long-lasting relationship. However, Grace Amahoro, a married woman, sees cohabiting before getting legally married as something that helps in building a strong foundation, declaring that therein one consent to what they know they are taking themselves in. “Finding yourself living with someone for the first time after you two marry each other can be a heavy load; including the weight of family expectations, money spent on ceremonies that can conflict with your new life bills, a routine you are supposed to fit in while everyone is watching, and so on,” she said. “If two people want to have a strong marriage, the foundation is based on them and not on other people’s opinions. Before people tell you what to do, you need to know what you exactly need.” Esther Uwase, a single lady living in Kigali also sees cohabitating as an arrangement that can help in case a couple didn’t take enough time to know each other. “When a couple takes time and plans everything together with the same vision, they can cohabit. Going to church or in court for marriage is just a ceremony because for me, marriage happens in thoughts and it goes with commitment,” she said. “I don’t see cohabiting as a problem because a promise is for two. In case people get married without being committed, they will still divorce. What makes people stay together is commitment and how they value each other.”
