David and Maggie got married a year after their engagement, but they had known each other since they were kids. Their families were close, and they knew pretty much everything there was to know about each other. They were best friends. They started dating in high school and fell madly in love. Their friends envied their relationship, and often, they were called ‘couple goals’ as they were so free around each other and nothing seemed to put them down. Two years into the marriage, Maggie found out that David had been seeing another woman. This she had suspected for a while as his behaviour had suddenly changed. Even worse, most of the people she called friends knew about it but never told her. She felt so betrayed. She was devastated, and when she confronted David about it, he admitted to it. He, however, said he still loved her and would do anything to fix what was broken. Of course, she loved him, but she couldn’t bring herself to forgive him, let alone trust him again, after hurting her so. After months of counselling, they slowly started making their way back to the couple they used to be. Using the above situation as an example, when trust is broken within a marriage, rebuilding it cannot automatically be assumed. Many times trust can be rebuilt if both parties are willing to do the work necessary to restore it, though. Trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship—when it’s destroyed, the relationship will most likely lack stability. But regardless of the cause of mistrust, whether infidelity, finances, disrespect and so forth, trust can still be rebuilt. Rebuilding trust Innocent Kabera, a family counsellor at Ayina Think Tank Company in Kimironko, says before you decide to be in a relationship with someone, think of trust as a crucial aspect. “Our ability to trust other people begins when we are young, which plays a vital part in our future relationships,” he says. Kabera highlights that there are different causes of lack of trust in a relationship, for instance, past memories or experiences. You may say that if family— the very people who are supposed to love us unconditionally—can betray us, why wouldn’t other people? Or when you have been betrayed in a past relationship, it may hinder your ability to fully trust anyone again. According to Psychology Today, when partners lack trust in each other, they are prone to exaggerate their negative behaviour and discount their positive behaviour. Because the positives have much less weight than the negatives, they are much more likely to constantly question the worth of the relationship. While a breakdown in trust is sometimes a result of actual indiscretions by one or both spouses, that’s not always the case. Some people, for various reasons, have trouble trusting anyone; these individuals may not trust their partner, whether or not that person is in fact trustworthy. “There are different stages of relationships; the first one is when everything looks great, and seems perfect and you feel like you can’t live without that person. “The second stage is when you start to understand each other more deeply. Here you begin to notice each other’s weaknesses and flaws. As your expectations start changing, mistrust can kick in,” Kabera says. He adds, self-destructive behaviour, like deceit and infidelity, are also a major cause, for example, lying about harmful substance use like alcohol or drugs, or about money, and et cetera. Kabera says that trust should be looked at as an ‘emotional bank’. The more you make deposits, the more it’s beneficial, and the more you are building trust. For you to build trust in your partner, you need to invest. You can’t buy trust but you can earn it when you deserve it. You need to make a lot of deposits, like discussing what’s happening in each other’s lives. He also says that regardless of your expectations, you need to understand each other first, to reduce suspicion when you start seeing behaviour you have never seen before. It’s imperative to respect each other’s differences. The family counsellor also recommends nurturing the habit of being committed, fulfilling promises and matching actions with words. Also, acknowledge what may be considered something small. Happily Committed, a relationship blog, states that once trust is broken, it will take time to build it back up. In some cases, it will actually take longer to build it back up than it took to build it in the first place. When it comes to healing from distrust in a relationship, don’t ever underestimate the importance of mindset because if you’re going to sit back and wait around for things to change, they won’t. “Have integrity in your interactions. Strive to be more honest and transparent in your relationships. Be a non-defensive person as this helps you to understand each other’s feedback. “Have an extended conversation about what each person wants, whether to recommit or not. What really works here is openness, accountability, and honesty, both of you must seek and give forgiveness for the part you have played in your relationship problems,” Kabera says. The blog also highlights that if your partner broke your trust, commit to forgiving them every single day. It is a choice to forgive and if you’re going to save the relationship, you really have to commit to this decision and allow the person hurt, to heal. Be transparent with one another and communicate in a way that helps you to understand and define solutions, but most importantly, prioritise communication. Healthline, a source for expert health guidance, notes that in a relationship, trust doesn’t necessarily mean you tell your partner every little thing that crosses your mind, as it is normal to have personal thoughts you keep to yourself.
